How are you holding up?

[DaFace]

Just curious how the community at large is holding up these days. That's all.

[The Franchise]

Originally Posted by Mecca

To respond to the posts here, I don't pay her phone bill, her dad does as that was his present to her one year. If it was my call she wouldn't have a phone, I told my wife had I paid for that phone nothing would give me greater pleasure that smashing it with a hammer in front of her. She is very heavily addicted to it and you can see it.

I have told her when she's 18 and not in school she'll pay rent to stay with us, she acts like that is so far away it's not even worth thinking about. She has no desire to drive...like I said her mentality is more like 12 than 16, other than dudes.

As far as holding a job, I don't think she could hold one for more than 5 minutes.......she will not do anything she doesn't want to, she's standoffish with anyone telling her what to do including teachers etc. And the real issue is she is just SOOOO god damn slow.

When doing a house chore it takes her forever. It took her 3 hours to do dinner dishes last night...I have a god damn dishwasher, she has no focus, constantly distracted.

I just feel like there is no answer.

Then honestly....she has one month to get her shit together after she turns 18. If she doesn’t....then she can go live with the Dad.

[stumppy]

Originally Posted by Mecca

To respond to the posts here, I don't pay her phone bill, her dad does as that was his present to her one year. If it was my call she wouldn't have a phone, I told my wife had I paid for that phone nothing would give me greater pleasure that smashing it with a hammer in front of her. She is very heavily addicted to it and you can see it.

I have told her when she's 18 and not in school she'll pay rent to stay with us, she acts like that is so far away it's not even worth thinking about. She has no desire to drive...like I said her mentality is more like 12 than 16, other than dudes.

As far as holding a job, I don't think she could hold one for more than 5 minutes.......she will not do anything she doesn't want to, she's standoffish with anyone telling her what to do including teachers etc. And the real issue is she is just SOOOO god damn slow.

When doing a house chore it takes her forever. It took her 3 hours to do dinner dishes last night...I have a god damn dishwasher, she has no focus, constantly distracted.

I just feel like there is no answer.

My solution to the phone problem is that she's free to use the phone when she's with him. In my house phone time is earned, not a right when it comes to kids.

[displacedinMN]

There are a lot of kids that have no incentive to do anything-

Work/learn/think. Thank the internet age. Desperation is a great motivator.
Tough love man. Tough love.

[stumppy]

Have you talked to her dad about the problem. Maybe you could get him to go along with what you're trying to do.

[stumppy]

Originally Posted by Mecca

At her age.....this is a true story, if you ask for the phone she will refuse, so then to take it you have to physically fight her to get it, she hit me in my face one day over it....

Like I said addiction.

She's got to sleep sometime.

[Mecca]

Originally Posted by stumppy

Have you talked to her dad about the problem. Maybe you could get him to go along with what you're trying to do.

She's him......that's where the problem lies. According to his parents, as a teen he was a flaming ass. Did a ton of drugs, drank all the time..now she doesn't do that, but he finished high school which I question if she'll do. At 1 point they had him put into a medical living facility because of his issues.

But she has all of his attitude problems, dude is basically constantly high and if he's not he's a flaming dick you can't deal with. He doesn't hold jobs, lives at home in his 40s. He doesn't view her as having issues because she's him....

[HayWire]

Originally Posted by Mecca

At her age.....this is a true story, if you ask for the phone she will refuse, so then to take it you have to physically fight her to get it, she hit me in my face one day over it....

Like I said addiction.

I dunno, I'm just a random guy on an internet forum but the only advice I have is to be a dick. I know that sounds rough and easier said than done but it works in the long run. I've told all of my kids that my job is to raise them to be good/productive adults and not be their friend until they have a family or on their own.

My oldest is my stepchild but I've raised him since he was 9 (his biological father never came around). He was getting out of control and thought he could do anything he wanted. Took his buddies car out for a drive one night without a licenses (cops called that night to come pick him up), had straight F's in school, and refused to do anything unless I stood over him and forced him to. My last straw was him getting in trouble at school....again when he was 17. He got in trouble for having his phone in class and got detention. He decided to skip detention and get suspended from school. A few days later we got the letter from school letting us know what happened. I will never forget the night I sat him and his mom down at the kitchen table and I gave him his options. I told him as long as he is in my house there are rules and he broke them therefore he must be punished. He told me he would rather leave than be grounded.......so I pointed at the door. The next two hours were kind of a blur....his mom cried and I helped him pack. Gave him everything he needed, a big hug, an I love you, and told him to not forget to visit. It sucked, I cried, mom cried, and not much sleep for the next week.

Fast forward 7 years and that stubborn asshole is kicking ass and taking names. He comes by all the time and calls to thank me for being a dick when he was younger .

TLDR version.....it will be hard and sometimes you have to piss them off to get them ready for the real world.

[stumppy]

Originally Posted by Mecca

She's him......that's where the problem lies. According to his parents, as a teen he was a flaming ass. Did a ton of drugs, drank all the time..now she doesn't do that, but he finished high school which I question if she'll do. At 1 point they had him put into a medical living facility because of his issues.

But she has all of his attitude problems, dude is basically constantly high and if he's not he's a flaming dick you can't deal with. He doesn't hold jobs, lives at home in his 40s. He doesn't view her as having issues because she's him....

Ouch, that sucks. I feel your pain. I've had custody of three of my grandkids for the last 1 1/2 years. They finally moved back in with their mom about 2 months ago. You step D sounds exactly like my 12 yr old grand D. Same shitty attitude, same problems with her tablet, and the rest of what you described. I had her in therapy too.
The therapy seemed to help a little but what worked best for me.....I was a brick wall when it came to her behavior. Don't be disrespectful, don't argue, do what you're told and so on. When she stepped over the line even by just a hair I came down hard. Homework not done, shitty grades, be disrespectful, etc. she would be grounded to her room, sometimes to her bed, lose her electronics, along with many other things. It was exhausting because I wouldn't let her pull that shit at all The second she did...BOOM, down came the hammer. After a few months she came around. I still had problems with her but it wasn't much more than I expected from a girl her age.

That's how I dealt with all of it anyways.


The shitty thing about all of it....., two months after she moved back home with her mother....she's gone back to acting like she did before.

[ThaVirus]

Originally Posted by displacedinMN

There are a lot of kids that have no incentive to do anything-

Work/learn/think. Thank the internet age. Desperation is a great motivator.
Tough love man. Tough love.

Kids were shitheads long before the internet

[Mecca]

Originally Posted by stumppy

Ouch, that sucks. I feel your pain. I've had custody of three of my grandkids for the last 1 1/2 years. They finally moved back in with their mom about 2 months ago. You step D sounds exactly like my 12 yr old grand D. Same shitty attitude, same problems with her tablet, and the rest of what you described. I had her in therapy too.
The therapy seemed to help a little but what worked best for me.....I was a brick wall when it came to her behavior. Don't be disrespectful, don't argue, do what you're told and so on. When she stepped over the line even by just a hair I came down hard. Homework not done, shitty grades, be disrespectful, etc. she would be grounded to her room, sometimes to her bed, lose her electronics, along with many other things. It was exhausting because I wouldn't let her pull that shit at all The second she did...BOOM, down came the hammer. After a few months she came around. I still had problems with her but it wasn't much more than I expected from a girl her age.

That's how I dealt with all of it anyways.


The shitty thing about all of it....., two months after she moved back home with her mother....she's gone back to acting like she did before.

I tried the come down hard thing......it doesn't work with her. Because she's ODD she will basically respond by going "I will make your life a living hell if you do this"

I took her phone, it resulted in her following my wife around the house demanding it back. To which I said, she doesn't have your phone and acting like an ass isn't going to get it back now is it? And she literally won't listen she just follows you around seeing give me my phone, not responding to anything. It escalated into me telling her to go to her room her not listening to me, me telling her she had 5 seconds to do what I said or I would do it for her...

So after the next 5 minutes that resulted in a 16 year old girl having a temper tantrum and trying to claw my walls to avoid being put in her room, trying to claw me..which resulted in her being put in a full nelson, then when it's all done.........she cries and says I hurt her.

It's all a bullshit game, all of it. A lot of it is why I feel I have no answer.

[Mecca]

Originally Posted by ThaVirus

Kids were shitheads long before the internet

While true the internet has made certain behaviors more prevalent. Where some kids were just burnouts or lazy at times. It's made them worse because now they just stare at that device. Watch a teen with a phone, it's like a drug addict they can't get enough and if you take it they lose their shit.

I fully believe in 15 years we'll find out that giving a developing mind a phone was one of the worst things we ever could have done and we basically handed them a crack pipe for how their brain handles it.

[Megatron96]

Originally Posted by HayWire

I dunno, I'm just a random guy on an internet forum but the only advice I have is to be a dick. I know that sounds rough and easier said than done but it works in the long run. I've told all of my kids that my job is to raise them to be good/productive adults and not be their friend until they have a family or on their own.

My oldest is my stepchild but I've raised him since he was 9 (his biological father never came around). He was getting out of control and thought he could do anything he wanted. Took his buddies car out for a drive one night without a licenses (cops called that night to come pick him up), had straight F's in school, and refused to do anything unless I stood over him and forced him to. My last straw was him getting in trouble at school....again when he was 17. He got in trouble for having his phone in class and got detention. He decided to skip detention and get suspended from school. A few days later we got the letter from school letting us know what happened. I will never forget the night I sat him and his mom down at the kitchen table and I gave him his options. I told him as long as he is in my house there are rules and he broke them therefore he must be punished. He told me he would rather leave than be grounded.......so I pointed at the door. The next two hours were kind of a blur....his mom cried and I helped him pack. Gave him everything he needed, a big hug, an I love you, and told him to not forget to visit. It sucked, I cried, mom cried, and not much sleep for the next week.

Fast forward 7 years and that stubborn asshole is kicking ass and taking names. He comes by all the time and calls to thank me for being a dick when he was younger .

TLDR version.....it will be hard and sometimes you have to piss them off to get them ready for the real world.

Do this. You may not be able to control what she does/doesn't do, or what her father does/doesn't do, but you have a say in what happens in your house. Sit her down with her mother present and lay down her options. A, she finishes school, then she has to move out when she gets a job. B, she gets a job, and when she turns 18, she moves out. C, she moves out right now.

I've seen the problem you're having among many of my friend's children. Basically the kid realizes at some point that they don't have to do anything because their parents won't hit them with real consequences. Unfortunately it's likely too late for your stepdaughter to learn this lesson from you, but that's not all your fault. She also a mother and biological father that allowed her to become the twit she's become.

But you have to impress upon her that at least one person in her life won't let her walk all over them, and that looks like it has to be you. So lay down the law in your house, and then follow through, period.

Otherwise, there's a good chance that your stepdaughter will be a full-time crackhead hooker in a year or two.

Good luck.

[stumppy]

Originally Posted by Mecca

I tried the come down hard thing......it doesn't work with her. Because she's ODD she will basically respond by going "I will make your life a living hell if you do this"

I took her phone, it resulted in her following my wife around the house demanding it back. To which I said, she doesn't have your phone and acting like an ass isn't going to get it back now is it? And she literally won't listen she just follows you around seeing give me my phone, not responding to anything. It escalated into me telling her to go to her room her not listening to me, me telling her she had 5 seconds to do what I said or I would do it for her...

So after the next 5 minutes that resulted in a 16 year old girl having a temper tantrum and trying to claw my walls to avoid being put in her room, trying to claw me..which resulted in her being put in a full nelson, then when it's all done.........she cries and says I hurt her.

It's all a bullshit game, all of it. A lot of it is why I feel I have no answer.

Yea, that truly sucks. The only thing I had going for me was mine was 12 yrs old. It took a couple months before I could let up on being such a hard ass. Since I'm single it was all up to me to get her lined out.
On a side note, I had to start taking HBP meds about a month after they moved in with me.

Wish I could come up with something that would help other than to just endure it until she's old enough to put out on the street.

[Mecca]

Originally Posted by stumppy

Yea, that truly sucks. The only thing I had going for me was mine was 12 yrs old. It took a couple months before I could let up on being such a hard ass. Since I'm single it was all up to me to get her lined out.
On a side note, I had to start taking HBP meds about a month after they moved in with me.

Wish I could come up with something that would help other than to just endure it until she's old enough to put out on the street.

Yea my wife is far more "understanding" about it, so then the kid plays us off each other and will ask her for stuff and not me. Cause my wife just doesn't wanna listen to screaming or deal with stress, which I understand but it's not fun.

[stumppy]

Originally Posted by Mecca

Yea my wife is far more "understanding" about it, so then the kid plays us off each other and will ask her for stuff and not me. Cause my wife just doesn't wanna listen to screaming or deal with stress, which I understand but it's not fun.

Yea, one thing is for sure. If you two don't present a united front and stick to it then this shit ain't gonna change.