...

Frankie · 10-10-2005, 12:11 PM

This one just arrived by e-mail:

A BLONDE DECIDES TO TRY HORSEBACK RIDING, EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS HAD NO LESSONS OR PRIOR EXPERIENCE. SHE MOUNTS THE HORSE, UNASSISTED, AND THE HORSE IMMEDIATELY SPINGS INTO MOTION.

IT GALLOPS ALONG AT A STEADY AND RHYTHMIC PACE, BUT THE BLONDE BEGINS TO SLIP FROM THE SADDLE. IN TERROR, SHE GRABS FOR THE HORSE'S MANE, BUT CANNOT SEEM TO GET A FIRM GRIP. SHE TRIES TO THROW HER ARMS AROUND THE HORSE'S NECK, BUT SHE SLIDES DOWN THE SIDE OF THE HORSE ANYWAY. THE HORSE GALLOPS ALONG, SEEMINGLY IMPERVIOUS TO IT'S SLIPPING RIDER.

FINALLY, GIVING UP HER FRAIL GRIP, THE BLONDE ATTEMPTS TO LEAP AWAY FROM THE HORSE AND THROW HERSELF TO SAFETY.

UNFORTUNATELY, HER FOOT HAS BECOME ENTANGLED IN THE STIRRUP, SHE IS NOW AT THE MERCY OF THE HORSE'S POUNDING HOOVES AS HER HEAD IS STRUCK AGAINST THE GROUND OVER AND OVER.

AS HER HEAD IS BATTERED AGAINST THE GROUND, SHE IS MERE MOMENTS AWAY FROM UNCONSCIOUSNESS WHEN TO HER GREAT FORTUNE.......

...BEN, THE WALMART GREETER, SEES HERE AND UNPLUGS THE HORSE!!

Valiant · 10-10-2005, 12:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chefsos

????

(I gotta say, when the punch line gets here, it had better be damn good. Oops. darn good. Clean. Clean.)

he South American Blush Spider (arachnius gluteus-maximus) I think you missed it...

**luv** · 10-10-2005, 12:52 PM

I heard a blonde joke last night that I don't think I had heard before.

How did the blonde try to kill the fish?

By drowning it.

MOhillbilly · 10-10-2005, 03:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Frankie

Jack was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

Jack kept records, and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the dinner pot, and was replaced. That took an awful lot of time, so Jack got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Jack's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was too, only his bell had not rung all morning! Jack went to investigate.

Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing, but Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Jack was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.

Brewster was an overnight sensation!

The judges not only awarded him...

The No Bell Piece Prize, but also...

The Pullet Surprise!

nice cock humor.

KS Smitty · 10-10-2005, 03:57 PM

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired American Airlines Pilot from Dallas."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom."

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the good father, "that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"

"Up here - - we work by results," says Saint Peter, "while you preached - - people slept; while he flew - - people prayed."

Biohazard · 10-10-2005, 03:47 PM

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large
company and hands the executive his application.

The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the
applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.

"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible.
You've been fired from every job."

"Yes" says the man.

"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in
that."

"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I'm
not a quitter."

Biohazard · 10-10-2005, 03:49 PM

A man buys a parrot, but after several weeks of trying, is unable
to get it to speak a single word. In desperation he takes the
bird to a vet for advice.

The vet tells him that the parrot's beak is too long which is
preventing him from speaking. He says that he can file it down
for $100.

The parrot's owner thought that was rather expensive and wondered
aloud if he could just file it down himself.

The vet tells him that it is a very delicate procedure and must
be done by a trained professional. If he does not file enough,
the bird still wont be able to talk, but if he files too much,
the bird will drown while drinking his water.

The man decides to think it over and leaves with the parrot.

Several weeks later, the vet happens to meet the parrot owner who
is looking rather down. He inquires about the parrot and the man
replies that his parrot is dead.

"Did you try to file his beak down yourself?" asked the vet.

The man nods his head.

"And he drowned while trying to drink his water, right?"

"No," replied the parrot's owner, "he was dead when I took his
head out of the vise."

Biohazard · 10-10-2005, 03:57 PM

Hope no one takes offence to these!SOME JOKES OF THE MALE CHAUVINIST TYPE.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me . . ."

How do you fix a woman's watch?You don't. There's a clock on the
oven.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%. It's called Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring,
Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV"
I said,"Dust!"

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo
Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She
looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That
happens in every country, son."

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the
same thing: "You can have mine."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look
hot.

Frankie · 10-10-2005, 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Biohazard

Hope no one takes offence to these!SOME JOKES OF THE MALE CHAUVINIST TYPE.

The women on this forum are pretty good sports. Don't worry.

JBucc · 10-10-2005, 03:58 PM

Biohazard · 10-10-2005, 04:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JBucc

liar

Biohazard · 10-10-2005, 04:10 PM

In school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she
would teach about raw materials. She stood in the front of the
class and said,

"Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what
would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold,
because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said,
"I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold
and I could buy a Porsche"

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Adam. Little Adam
stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Adam, why silicon?"

"Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the
sports cars parked outside of our house!!"

Biohazard · 10-10-2005, 04:34 PM

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband
went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want
to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less
costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry
bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his
ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man
in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer
can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can
between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

(This procedure also works in Tennessee, Arkansas, Virginia,
Mississippi and West Virginia.)

Frankie · 10-11-2005, 08:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Biohazard

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband
went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want
to have any more children.
......
.......

(This procedure also works in Tennessee, Arkansas, Virginia,
Mississippi and West Virginia.)

10-10-2005, 12:11 PM	#2
Frankie Banned Frankie's Avatar Join Date: Jul 2001	This one just arrived by e-mail: A BLONDE DECIDES TO TRY HORSEBACK RIDING, EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS HAD NO LESSONS OR PRIOR EXPERIENCE. SHE MOUNTS THE HORSE, UNASSISTED, AND THE HORSE IMMEDIATELY SPINGS INTO MOTION. IT GALLOPS ALONG AT A STEADY AND RHYTHMIC PACE, BUT THE BLONDE BEGINS TO SLIP FROM THE SADDLE. IN TERROR, SHE GRABS FOR THE HORSE'S MANE, BUT CANNOT SEEM TO GET A FIRM GRIP. SHE TRIES TO THROW HER ARMS AROUND THE HORSE'S NECK, BUT SHE SLIDES DOWN THE SIDE OF THE HORSE ANYWAY. THE HORSE GALLOPS ALONG, SEEMINGLY IMPERVIOUS TO IT'S SLIPPING RIDER. FINALLY, GIVING UP HER FRAIL GRIP, THE BLONDE ATTEMPTS TO LEAP AWAY FROM THE HORSE AND THROW HERSELF TO SAFETY. UNFORTUNATELY, HER FOOT HAS BECOME ENTANGLED IN THE STIRRUP, SHE IS NOW AT THE MERCY OF THE HORSE'S POUNDING HOOVES AS HER HEAD IS STRUCK AGAINST THE GROUND OVER AND OVER. AS HER HEAD IS BATTERED AGAINST THE GROUND, SHE IS MERE MOMENTS AWAY FROM UNCONSCIOUSNESS WHEN TO HER GREAT FORTUNE....... ...BEN, THE WALMART GREETER, SEES HERE AND UNPLUGS THE HORSE!!
Posts: 26,959

10-10-2005, 12:52 PM	#4
luv MY LITTLE #15 luv's Avatar Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Springfield, MO	I heard a blonde joke last night that I don't think I had heard before. How did the blonde try to kill the fish? By drowning it.
Posts: 63,445

10-10-2005, 03:57 PM	#6
KS Smitty Cool as a Cucumber KS Smitty's Avatar Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: on the edge	A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired American Airlines Pilot from Dallas." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom." "Just a minute," says the good father, "that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?" "Up here - - we work by results," says Saint Peter, "while you preached - - people slept; while he flew - - people prayed."
Posts: 3,822

10-10-2005, 03:47 PM	#7
Biohazard spelingspechalist Biohazard's Avatar Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Merriam Missouri	A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held. "I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job." "Yes" says the man. "Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that." "Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter."
Posts: 762

10-10-2005, 03:49 PM	#8
Biohazard spelingspechalist Biohazard's Avatar Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Merriam Missouri	A man buys a parrot, but after several weeks of trying, is unable to get it to speak a single word. In desperation he takes the bird to a vet for advice. The vet tells him that the parrot's beak is too long which is preventing him from speaking. He says that he can file it down for $100. The parrot's owner thought that was rather expensive and wondered aloud if he could just file it down himself. The vet tells him that it is a very delicate procedure and must be done by a trained professional. If he does not file enough, the bird still wont be able to talk, but if he files too much, the bird will drown while drinking his water. The man decides to think it over and leaves with the parrot. Several weeks later, the vet happens to meet the parrot owner who is looking rather down. He inquires about the parrot and the man replies that his parrot is dead. "Did you try to file his beak down yourself?" asked the vet. The man nods his head. "And he drowned while trying to drink his water, right?" "No," replied the parrot's owner, "he was dead when I took his head out of the vise."
Posts: 762

10-10-2005, 03:58 PM	#11
JBucc MVP Join Date: Oct 2005	liar
Posts: 12,016

10-10-2005, 04:10 PM	#13
Biohazard spelingspechalist Biohazard's Avatar Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Merriam Missouri	In school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she would teach about raw materials. She stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?" Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche" The teacher smiled and then called on Little Adam. Little Adam stood up and said, "I would want silicon." The teacher said, "Adam, why silicon?" "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars parked outside of our house!!"
Posts: 762

10-10-2005, 04:34 PM	#14
Biohazard spelingspechalist Biohazard's Avatar Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Merriam Missouri	After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand. (This procedure also works in Tennessee, Arkansas, Virginia, Mississippi and West Virginia.)
Posts: 762