How are you holding up?

[HayWire]

Originally Posted by Mecca

She's my step kid.........she's always been insanely difficult to deal with since she was little. A therapist said she was ADHD and ODD, she's always refused to do things, school has always been an issue and she magically isn't good at school because "the teacher is an asshole" basically if teachers don't hold her hand and not ask her to do anything she hates them.

Anyone that tries to hold her to a standard...yea doesn't go well. And I'll be honest we as parents are probably at fault for this to a degree. By the time she got to say 6th grade we had given up on making her do homework. Neither my wife nor I wanted to have a screaming session every single evening with her and then she still wouldn't do it. Her therapist told us to let her fail and have real life consequences...turns out she doesn't care about them. Then it became I'm really tired of this shit ruining my evening everyday.

I just don't know what to do with a person that has no hobbies, no interests, and is hopelessly addicted to their phone and doing nothing. Staring at snapchat and facebook all day isn't really a hobby. I told my wife that I just don't know what to do with her, if you aren't good at something I can accept that, but when you have no want to, no drive, no passion for anything what do I do with that?

Even simple household chores are frustrating...and even though she is nearing 17, you'd think she was more like 12, it's like she has no concept she is about to be an adult and needs to grow up.

Do you pay the phone bill? I'm an "old school" parent that still does "my way or the highway". My oldest son was the exact same way when he was younger and we had to get pretty tough with him to get shit done. I used to shut off the wifi when we weren't using it and he only had his phone when he went somewhere.

[luv]

Originally Posted by HayWire

Do you pay the phone bill? I'm an "old school" parent that still does "my way or the highway". My oldest son was the exact same way when he was younger and we had to get pretty tough with him to get shit done. I used to shut off the wifi when we weren't using it and he only had his phone when he went somewhere.

This is what I'm thinking. If you're paying for it, it's your phone, not hers, and you can take it from her whenever you'd like. If she wants it back, she can either get a job and get her own or do what she's supposed to be doing at home.

I already practice this with my 4-year-old. Whatever his distraction is from doing what I tell him to do, I take it away until he does what I ask him to do. There are usually tears involved. If he maintains a bad attitude while doing it, I tell him he still won't get whatever it was he had until he flips his mood.

[Mecca]

Originally Posted by luv

This is what I'm thinking. If you're paying for it, it's your phone, not hers, and you can take it from her whenever you'd like. If she wants it back, she can either get a job and get her own or do what she's supposed to be doing at home.

I already practice this with my 4-year-old. Whatever his distraction is from doing what I tell him to do, I take it away until he does what I ask him to do. There are usually tears involved. If he maintains a bad attitude while doing it, I tell him he still won't get whatever it was he had until he flips his mood.

At her age.....this is a true story, if you ask for the phone she will refuse, so then to take it you have to physically fight her to get it, she hit me in my face one day over it....

Like I said addiction.

[stumppy]

Originally Posted by Mecca

At her age.....this is a true story, if you ask for the phone she will refuse, so then to take it you have to physically fight her to get it, she hit me in my face one day over it....

Like I said addiction.

She's got to sleep sometime.

[HayWire]

Originally Posted by Mecca

At her age.....this is a true story, if you ask for the phone she will refuse, so then to take it you have to physically fight her to get it, she hit me in my face one day over it....

Like I said addiction.

I dunno, I'm just a random guy on an internet forum but the only advice I have is to be a dick. I know that sounds rough and easier said than done but it works in the long run. I've told all of my kids that my job is to raise them to be good/productive adults and not be their friend until they have a family or on their own.

My oldest is my stepchild but I've raised him since he was 9 (his biological father never came around). He was getting out of control and thought he could do anything he wanted. Took his buddies car out for a drive one night without a licenses (cops called that night to come pick him up), had straight F's in school, and refused to do anything unless I stood over him and forced him to. My last straw was him getting in trouble at school....again when he was 17. He got in trouble for having his phone in class and got detention. He decided to skip detention and get suspended from school. A few days later we got the letter from school letting us know what happened. I will never forget the night I sat him and his mom down at the kitchen table and I gave him his options. I told him as long as he is in my house there are rules and he broke them therefore he must be punished. He told me he would rather leave than be grounded.......so I pointed at the door. The next two hours were kind of a blur....his mom cried and I helped him pack. Gave him everything he needed, a big hug, an I love you, and told him to not forget to visit. It sucked, I cried, mom cried, and not much sleep for the next week.

Fast forward 7 years and that stubborn asshole is kicking ass and taking names. He comes by all the time and calls to thank me for being a dick when he was younger .

TLDR version.....it will be hard and sometimes you have to piss them off to get them ready for the real world.

[Megatron96]

Originally Posted by HayWire

I dunno, I'm just a random guy on an internet forum but the only advice I have is to be a dick. I know that sounds rough and easier said than done but it works in the long run. I've told all of my kids that my job is to raise them to be good/productive adults and not be their friend until they have a family or on their own.

My oldest is my stepchild but I've raised him since he was 9 (his biological father never came around). He was getting out of control and thought he could do anything he wanted. Took his buddies car out for a drive one night without a licenses (cops called that night to come pick him up), had straight F's in school, and refused to do anything unless I stood over him and forced him to. My last straw was him getting in trouble at school....again when he was 17. He got in trouble for having his phone in class and got detention. He decided to skip detention and get suspended from school. A few days later we got the letter from school letting us know what happened. I will never forget the night I sat him and his mom down at the kitchen table and I gave him his options. I told him as long as he is in my house there are rules and he broke them therefore he must be punished. He told me he would rather leave than be grounded.......so I pointed at the door. The next two hours were kind of a blur....his mom cried and I helped him pack. Gave him everything he needed, a big hug, an I love you, and told him to not forget to visit. It sucked, I cried, mom cried, and not much sleep for the next week.

Fast forward 7 years and that stubborn asshole is kicking ass and taking names. He comes by all the time and calls to thank me for being a dick when he was younger .

TLDR version.....it will be hard and sometimes you have to piss them off to get them ready for the real world.

Do this. You may not be able to control what she does/doesn't do, or what her father does/doesn't do, but you have a say in what happens in your house. Sit her down with her mother present and lay down her options. A, she finishes school, then she has to move out when she gets a job. B, she gets a job, and when she turns 18, she moves out. C, she moves out right now.

I've seen the problem you're having among many of my friend's children. Basically the kid realizes at some point that they don't have to do anything because their parents won't hit them with real consequences. Unfortunately it's likely too late for your stepdaughter to learn this lesson from you, but that's not all your fault. She also a mother and biological father that allowed her to become the twit she's become.

But you have to impress upon her that at least one person in her life won't let her walk all over them, and that looks like it has to be you. So lay down the law in your house, and then follow through, period.

Otherwise, there's a good chance that your stepdaughter will be a full-time crackhead hooker in a year or two.

Good luck.

[The Franchise]

Originally Posted by Mecca

She's my step kid.........she's always been insanely difficult to deal with since she was little. A therapist said she was ADHD and ODD, she's always refused to do things, school has always been an issue and she magically isn't good at school because "the teacher is an asshole" basically if teachers don't hold her hand and not ask her to do anything she hates them.

Anyone that tries to hold her to a standard...yea doesn't go well. And I'll be honest we as parents are probably at fault for this to a degree. By the time she got to say 6th grade we had given up on making her do homework. Neither my wife nor I wanted to have a screaming session every single evening with her and then she still wouldn't do it. Her therapist told us to let her fail and have real life consequences...turns out she doesn't care about them. Then it became I'm really tired of this shit ruining my evening everyday.

I just don't know what to do with a person that has no hobbies, no interests, and is hopelessly addicted to their phone and doing nothing. Staring at snapchat and facebook all day isn't really a hobby. I told my wife that I just don't know what to do with her, if you aren't good at something I can accept that, but when you have no want to, no drive, no passion for anything what do I do with that?

Even simple household chores are frustrating...and even though she is nearing 17, you'd think she was more like 12, it's like she has no concept she is about to be an adult and needs to grow up.

Explain to her that at 18 you are not legally responsible for her and unless she’s doing something with her life....she won’t be living in your house. And then at 18....follow through. She’ll either learn or fail. You can’t do much for her at that point.

[Mecca]

Originally Posted by The Franchise

Explain to her that at 18 you are not legally responsible for her and unless she’s doing something with her life....she won’t be living in your house. And then at 18....follow through. She’ll either learn or fail. You can’t do much for her at that point.

To respond to the posts here, I don't pay her phone bill, her dad does as that was his present to her one year. If it was my call she wouldn't have a phone, I told my wife had I paid for that phone nothing would give me greater pleasure that smashing it with a hammer in front of her. She is very heavily addicted to it and you can see it.

I have told her when she's 18 and not in school she'll pay rent to stay with us, she acts like that is so far away it's not even worth thinking about. She has no desire to drive...like I said her mentality is more like 12 than 16, other than dudes.

As far as holding a job, I don't think she could hold one for more than 5 minutes.......she will not do anything she doesn't want to, she's standoffish with anyone telling her what to do including teachers etc. And the real issue is she is just SOOOO god damn slow.

When doing a house chore it takes her forever. It took her 3 hours to do dinner dishes last night...I have a god damn dishwasher, she has no focus, constantly distracted.

I just feel like there is no answer.

[The Franchise]

Originally Posted by Mecca

To respond to the posts here, I don't pay her phone bill, her dad does as that was his present to her one year. If it was my call she wouldn't have a phone, I told my wife had I paid for that phone nothing would give me greater pleasure that smashing it with a hammer in front of her. She is very heavily addicted to it and you can see it.

I have told her when she's 18 and not in school she'll pay rent to stay with us, she acts like that is so far away it's not even worth thinking about. She has no desire to drive...like I said her mentality is more like 12 than 16, other than dudes.

As far as holding a job, I don't think she could hold one for more than 5 minutes.......she will not do anything she doesn't want to, she's standoffish with anyone telling her what to do including teachers etc. And the real issue is she is just SOOOO god damn slow.

When doing a house chore it takes her forever. It took her 3 hours to do dinner dishes last night...I have a god damn dishwasher, she has no focus, constantly distracted.

I just feel like there is no answer.

Then honestly....she has one month to get her shit together after she turns 18. If she doesn’t....then she can go live with the Dad.

[stumppy]

Originally Posted by Mecca

To respond to the posts here, I don't pay her phone bill, her dad does as that was his present to her one year. If it was my call she wouldn't have a phone, I told my wife had I paid for that phone nothing would give me greater pleasure that smashing it with a hammer in front of her. She is very heavily addicted to it and you can see it.

I have told her when she's 18 and not in school she'll pay rent to stay with us, she acts like that is so far away it's not even worth thinking about. She has no desire to drive...like I said her mentality is more like 12 than 16, other than dudes.

As far as holding a job, I don't think she could hold one for more than 5 minutes.......she will not do anything she doesn't want to, she's standoffish with anyone telling her what to do including teachers etc. And the real issue is she is just SOOOO god damn slow.

When doing a house chore it takes her forever. It took her 3 hours to do dinner dishes last night...I have a god damn dishwasher, she has no focus, constantly distracted.

I just feel like there is no answer.

My solution to the phone problem is that she's free to use the phone when she's with him. In my house phone time is earned, not a right when it comes to kids.

[Bearcat]

Originally Posted by Mecca

She's my step kid.........she's always been insanely difficult to deal with since she was little. A therapist said she was ADHD and ODD, she's always refused to do things, school has always been an issue and she magically isn't good at school because "the teacher is an asshole" basically if teachers don't hold her hand and not ask her to do anything she hates them.

Anyone that tries to hold her to a standard...yea doesn't go well. And I'll be honest we as parents are probably at fault for this to a degree. By the time she got to say 6th grade we had given up on making her do homework. Neither my wife nor I wanted to have a screaming session every single evening with her and then she still wouldn't do it. Her therapist told us to let her fail and have real life consequences...turns out she doesn't care about them. Then it became I'm really tired of this shit ruining my evening everyday.

I just don't know what to do with a person that has no hobbies, no interests, and is hopelessly addicted to their phone and doing nothing. Staring at snapchat and facebook all day isn't really a hobby. I told my wife that I just don't know what to do with her, if you aren't good at something I can accept that, but when you have no want to, no drive, no passion for anything what do I do with that?

Even simple household chores are frustrating...and even though she is nearing 17, you'd think she was more like 12, it's like she has no concept she is about to be an adult and needs to grow up.

My first thought after reading your first post was pretty much that... my parents told us that we can either be in school (while not flunking out) or pay rent to live with them.

Option 1 is to study and contribute around the house.... option 2 is to start paying for your own food, cell phone bill, your own room, etc... option 3 is to GTFO (at 18, I'd assume, or else that might not go well).

Of course, the flipside is no parent wants to end up seeing their kid go homeless or worse. My older brother was homeless for a short time (not because my parents kicked him out), and he got his shit together in very short time after that.

[luv]

Originally Posted by Bearcat

My first thought after reading your first post was pretty much that... my parents told us that we can either be in school (while not flunking out) or pay rent to live with them.

Option 1 is to study and contribute around the house.... option 2 is to start paying for your own food, cell phone bill, your own room, etc... option 3 is to GTFO (at 18, I'd assume, or else that might not go well).

Of course, the flipside is no parent wants to end up seeing their kid go homeless or worse. My older brother was homeless for a short time (not because my parents kicked him out), and he got his shit together in very short time after that.

Same here, only mine prefers it to holding down a job. And, of course, my mom doesn't want him on the street, so she lets him stay there while not working (or doing much of anything), and he's 47.

[Saulbadguy]

Originally Posted by Mecca

She's my step kid.........she's always been insanely difficult to deal with since she was little. A therapist said she was ADHD and ODD, she's always refused to do things, school has always been an issue and she magically isn't good at school because "the teacher is an asshole" basically if teachers don't hold her hand and not ask her to do anything she hates them.

Anyone that tries to hold her to a standard...yea doesn't go well. And I'll be honest we as parents are probably at fault for this to a degree. By the time she got to say 6th grade we had given up on making her do homework. Neither my wife nor I wanted to have a screaming session every single evening with her and then she still wouldn't do it. Her therapist told us to let her fail and have real life consequences...turns out she doesn't care about them. Then it became I'm really tired of this shit ruining my evening everyday.

I just don't know what to do with a person that has no hobbies, no interests, and is hopelessly addicted to their phone and doing nothing. Staring at snapchat and facebook all day isn't really a hobby. I told my wife that I just don't know what to do with her, if you aren't good at something I can accept that, but when you have no want to, no drive, no passion for anything what do I do with that?

Even simple household chores are frustrating...and even though she is nearing 17, you'd think she was more like 12, it's like she has no concept she is about to be an adult and needs to grow up.

Reminds me of myself when I was that age. I dropped out of school at that age, and was on my computer/internet anytime I wasn't sleeping.

I can't recall if there was any "gotcha" moment or turning point in my life, other than knowing in the back of my mind I didn't want to live with my parents forever (I had to pay rent after I dropped out of school).

Sorry - i've got nothing. Good luck.

[Otter]

I've learned how easy it is to cut your own hair with a good set of barber clippers. This may be a new thing for me.

Calculated a savings of roughly $400 a year.