Writing a book. Tell me it sucks!

[Vladimir_Kyrilytch]

Any published authors here? I'm close to selling a sci fi story that involves feminism. I have the beginning of the story completed but I want feedback. Is this the right forum for that?

I already know the names of the characters will have to change becuase it sounds like star wars. But their names have to be similar for the reveal to make sense, so that's an open item here but I want to be savaged with feedback.

I want feedback. I can handle it. Here are my first two paragraphs. I'm putting this up against your household names like tom clancy and stephen king, so be relentless:

Lucas and Laura had been married less than a year, and living in this particular apartment for less than that, when the flyer came. The task of furnishing the small apartment was mostly done now, achieved in one weekend with a rented pickup and two round trips to the local big-box, small-budget furniture store. A few of the moving boxes still remained in the corner of the living room, testaments to the ostensibly modest but genuinely itinerant lifestyle that Laura’s profession required of them both.

It was Lucas that had brought in the mail that day, as he normally did, but he hadn't noticed it until he dropped the letters on the kitchen counter and it slid into view from underneath the formal uniformity of the other piled envelopes. Finely printed on salmon-colored, thick matte cardstock, it was hard to miss both by sight and by touch. It might never have been sent through the post at all, its condition was so pristine. He picked it up, flipped it front and back, and frowned. It was as if he were somehow simultaneously outraged and intrigued.

Laura, reading a book on the loveseat, had somehow noticed his change of expression even though her head hadn't lifted. She hadn't seen him react to mail in quite such a way before. “More bills?” she asked.

“Always”, Lucas said. “But not this one. Not sure what to make of this.”

Laura wasn’t one to set a good novel down before at least getting to the end of a chapter, but her curiosity was piqued. She glanced around for her bookmark, which wasn’t an actual bookmark but one of her old business cards from her last job. She had made sure those didn’t get lost in the move, even though they had no professional relevance anymore, because she loved the sound of it: “Laura Kellerman, Vice President of Research & Development”. Her current title with her new company didn’t have the same gravitas as that one did, nor the stock grants, but it did triple the salary, and it was a step up in other, more important ways. Spotting the off-white business card through the glass of the coffee table, she put it into the book and set it down, joining Lucas in the small kitchen. He handed her the flyer.

[Fish]

Try a few more commas. Weirdo.

[Vladimir_Kyrilytch]

I'm a student of Faulkner sir. Long sentences are basically how I was born and raised. To prove that I love Faulkner, here are the next several lines:

“Oh it’s just junk mail. You made me stop reading midsentence for this?”

“I didn’t make you do anything. I don’t think I could if I wanted to. You should have finished the sentence at least.”

Laura smiled. “It's The Sound and The Fury. The sentence I was on was already two pages long and it had another page still left!” Laura loved to bring up the difficulty and complexity of her favorite author, because Lucas was quite partial to Ernest Hemingway, a very laconic writer. An intellectually limited writer, Laura liked to tease.

[BigBeauford]

10/10. Would read a sci-fi passage on checking the mail again.

[Vladimir_Kyrilytch]

Originally Posted by BigBeauford

10/10. Would read a sci-fi passage on checking the mail again.

I'm trying to win $3,000 dollars in a short story contest with this. What did you hate about it? The first guy made a good point that I didn't alter my sentence structure enough.

[Vladimir_Kyrilytch]

Originally Posted by BigBeauford

10/10. Would read a sci-fi passage on checking the mail again.

Lucas is an android programmed and created by Laura, but she fell in love with her own creation and absconded with him, making them both the enemy of the former high tech company now hunting them down. That's the sci fi part. Lucas eventually kills Laura because for all his smarts, she made him flawed. It's an.......get this.........ALLEGORY!! To how we're killing America now because although it was a good 200 years, there was racism, so now it all needs to be burnt down. That's the thematic stuff.

but if i lose all readers in the first page nobody will ever see the robot sex and the robot murder. Thus, I seek feedback.

[BigBeauford]

Originally Posted by Vladimir_Kyrilytch

Lucas is an android programmed and created by Laura, but she fell in love with her own creation and absconded with him, making them both the enemy of the former high tech company now hunting them down. That's the sci fi part. Lucas eventually kills Laura because for all his smarts, she made him flawed. It's an.......get this.........ALLEGORY!! To how we're killing America now because although it was a good 200 years, there was racism, so now it all needs to be burnt down. That's the thematic stuff.

but if i lose all readers in the first page nobody will ever see the robot sex and the robot murder. Thus, I seek feedback.

So you're giving us the deleted scenes of Ex-Machina?

[Rain Man]

My suggested edits:

Luke came in with the mail.

Laura looked up from her book. "Bills?"

"Yeah. And something else."


Or here's a longer version.


The door opened, and Laura's hand quickly moved from her most personal of areas. Luke didn't notice, his brow furrowed as he examined the mail in his hand.

Laura's heart pounded at nearly being caught. She quickly muted the sound of the lesbian cheerleader porn on her computer. "Bills?"

"Yeah. And something else." Luke looked around. "Is there a cheerleader in here?"

[Vladimir_Kyrilytch]

Originally Posted by BigBeauford

So you're giving us the deleted scenes of Ex-Machina?

If you want that, I have a server hidden underneath a former missle silo that the government doesnt know about. Thats where the robotic pornography tapes are housed. I do have an armed guard there. Security first

[Vladimir_Kyrilytch]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

My suggested edits:

Luke came in with the mail.

Laura looked up from her book. "Bills?"

"Yeah. And something else."


Or here's a longer version.


The door opened, and Laura's hand quickly moved from her most personal of areas. Luke didn't notice, his brow furrowed as he examined the mail in his hand.

Laura's heart pounded at nearly being caught. She quickly muted the sound of the lesbian cheerleader porn on her computer. "Bills?"

"Yeah. And something else." Luke looked around. "Is there a cheerleader in here?"

I like your notes actually. But prolaxity is my calling card. I gotta stay verbose!

[Vladimir_Kyrilytch]

****in A rain man you have some wit about you.

[ToxSocks]

Lucas and Laura had been married less than a year, and living in this particular apartment for less than that, when the flyer came. The task of furnishing the small apartment was mostly done now, achieved in one weekend with a rented pickup and two round trips to the local big-box, small-budget furniture store. A few of the moving boxes still remained in the corner of the living room, testaments to the ostensibly modest but genuinely itinerant lifestyle that Laura’s profession required of them both.

It was Lucas that had brought in the mail that day, as he normally did, but he hadn't noticed it until he dropped the letters on the kitchen counter and it slid into view from underneath the formal uniformity of the other piled envelopes. Finely printed on salmon-colored, thick matte cardstock, it was hard to miss both by sight and by touch. It might never have been sent through the post at all, its condition was so pristine. He picked it up, flipped it front and back, and frowned. It was as if he were somehow simultaneously outraged and intrigued.

Laura, reading a book on the loveseat, had somehow noticed his change of expression even though her head hadn't lifted. She hadn't seen him react to mail in quite such a way before. “More bills?” she asked.

“Always”, Lucas said. “But not this one. Not sure what to make of this.”

Laura wasn’t one to set a good novel down before at least getting to the end of a chapter, but her curiosity was piqued. She glanced around for her bookmark, which wasn’t an actual bookmark but one of her old business cards from her last job. She had made sure those didn’t get lost in the move, even though they had no professional relevance anymore, because she loved the sound of it: “Laura Kellerman, Vice President of Research & Development”. Her current title with her new company didn’t have the same gravitas as that one did, nor the stock grants, but it did triple the salary, and it was a step up in other, more important ways. Spotting the off-white business card through the glass of the coffee table, she put it into the book and set it down, joining Lucas in the small kitchen. He handed her the flyer.

The two bolded sentences bug the shit out of me. Reminds me of middle school writing. Remove the "Somehow" (WTF do you mean 'somehow'?) and rewrite both of those sentences.

[ToxSocks]

Vlad, one of the dead giveaways that someone is an amateur writer is the inability to be concise. I'm terrible at it too.

"It was as if he were somehow simultaneously outraged and intrigued." That's too many useless words to say he was outraged and intrigued. And "somehow"? What is this "somehow"? He either is or isn't.

[Vladimir_Kyrilytch]

Originally Posted by Detoxing

Vlad, one of the dead giveaways that someone is an amateur writer is the inability to be concise. I'm terrible at it too.

"It was as if he were somehow simultaneously outraged and intrigued." That's too many useless words to say he was outraged and intrigued. And "somehow"? What is this "somehow"? He either is or isn't.

Your notes were on point and I've changed my diction in the areas you pointed out Mr. Detox. But my whole thing is trying to write like Faulkner. I hate Hemingway. I'll never be like "One time there was a guy and a girl and they had similar names because the guy was a robot at the end it turned out!" That's what hemingway would do. I even have a part where I say "with the blind irrational fury of a shedding snake", which is a shameless Faulkner rip-off.

Will I succeed in emulating Faulkner? **** no. Nobody in history has ever pulled off even a half-assed Faulkner. But I consider myself in the rare position to try, given that I spent 14 years in prison where I did nothing other than read Faulkner books.

[Vladimir_Kyrilytch]

detoxing: what novels do you read for enjoyment? Let's discuss literature. Cause the whole 'almost as if', or 'somehow this', or 'seemed to be like that' type of angles are not my amateurish ways, or at least, they aren't always amateurish ways in the hands of masters. Have you read any HP Lovecraft?

HP Lovecraft was the master of 'somehow', 'it seemed like', 'almost as if', and so on. That's also how you establish an unreliable narrator over time.