11. Pestilence
BREAKING: CALIFORNIA MAN ARRESTED FOR SENDING LEWD PICTURES OF HIS MEMBER TO INTERNET FORUM MEMBERS
A Northern California resident's acts of sexual harassment have come to an end after getting arrested Friday afternoon.
The man, who goes by the moniker "Pestilence" on the unofficial Kansas City Chiefs internet fan forum
chiefsplanet.com was arrested at his workplace on Friday afternoon, caught in the act of sending another indecent picture of himself to one of the other participants on the forum.
Pestilence's attorney, also a Chiefs Planet member known as "Baby Lee," claimed to police that he doesn't see the problem, and that his client was only contributing to a continuously running gag on the forum since 2012.
"Look, I don't quite understand it, but they've got this character named Fisty McTatt, which is an altered image using photo-editing software that depicts my client's hand contorted into a bizarre-looking fist," said Lee to media sources just hours after the arrest. "This guy Sofa King put some eyes and a mustache on my client's fist, then fixed that face on top of the body of another Chiefs Planet member that features a poorly drawn chest tattoo of a KC Chiefs logo surrounded by phallic objects. That's the joke."
"My client thought it would be funny to create a new character as the kind of straight man to Fisty McTatt's Larry David from Curb Your Enthusiasm. Brilliant ****ing show, by the way. Anyway, the new character was Dicky McElephant, you see. And well... it was all supposed to be in good fun."
The edited picture in question (crop-censored above) shows Pestilence's pubic area. The hair is shaved, and in its place is a drawn picture of an elephant, with the defendant's genitalia serving as the elephant's trunk.
Lee claims that he and his client were misled by Chiefs Planet's management team: "I was busy watching my 4th hour of Seinfeld re-runs when 'Pesty' showed this to me. I thought it was really funny, but was unaware of Chiefs Planet's code of conduct. I private messaged Bob Dole, a moderator, asking his opinion, and when I received no response, I figured the image would be safe to distribute to all of the members."
The Dicky McElephant image has been altered by numerous other individuals. These images feature the character in a variety of familiar situations and photographs, including one particularly grotesque and vile alteration of Dorothea Lang's world-famous "Migrant Mother" photograph. In the new image, the elephant character stares down the mother, and a word bubble appears above the character that says, "I'm going in dry!"
Police were made aware of the sexual harassment issue associated with Dicky McElephant from one Kirstie Tynes, a self-proclaimed intellectual property ownership rights advocate. Reportedly, Pestilence had sent her the image on 34 separate occasions, with most of the images showing Tynes' modeling poses interacting sexually with Dicky.
When asked for comment, Tynes only had one word: "Sickening."
A continued investigation of the defendant's testimony will be conducted. Any accomplices, including the aforementioned Sofa King, will be sent in for questioning.