Cincinnati recognizes that Ford is a bit of a reach, but the draft screwed us over. The best talents available were people at our positions of strength who are also either going to die or kill someone very soon. Usually we like that in Cincinnati, but since we have nothing but plague and pestilence on our offensive line, we decided to fill a need. We're hoping that Ford can break in as a tackle.

I must reject your request. Cincinnati never does anything bold.

Ford's gonna be a steal to someone in the late teens or early 20s.

That kid can play.

Oh, good. I was really embattled on my pick here. I couldn't find an obvious choice from a risk/talent/position standpoint.

Aaron Rodgers has had just about enough of your shit, Green Bay.

Your shit is over. No more trading out of the 1st round. No more "safe" Damarious Randall picks. You know what that gets you? Another NFC playoff loss to some shit ass team like the Colin Kapernick 49ers who can still run all over your defense's sorry ass. Busts are busts, and had you been listening to me the past few years, at least your safe picks would have gotten you somewhere.

"Aaron Rodgers needs WRs." You know what Aaron Rodgers needs? An offensive playmaker besides Davonte Adams who don't need you to hold their hands to take a piss. I don't care if that's a WR, H-back, or some OL specialist who checks in on 3rd downs as an eligible receiver.

We tried it your way, Ted Thompson. Brian Gutekunst hasn't done much better. Your 1st rounders on defense still kind of lick balls. All that's gotten you is a slowly deflated offense.

Time to fire this puppy back up.

The Green Bay Packers select Noah Fant, TE, Iowa

**** your "Tank for Tua" bullshit, Dolphins fans. He's going to suck and he's not worth it. We're going to do this the way it's supposed to be done.

The Miami Dolphins select Drew Lock, QB, Missouri.

Get ready for Fitzmagic in 2019 while Lock goes the route of the Mahomes. Buy your season tickets now!

The Atlanta Falcons select Montez Sweat, DE, Mississippi State

Need to improve that pass rush and this kids a freak

Loni Anderson had his name on the card, but we switched at the last minute. We'll see in the future if it was the right move or not.

I thought about having Alex Smith make my pick for me but the stage at Radio City apparently isn't handicap accessible. And even though Alex Smith can, poor Case Keenum just can't get a break.

The Washington Redskins pick Daniel Jones - QB, Duke

The Carolina Panthers select Christian Wilkins, DT, Clemson

Remember to bold your pick, fellas

The O.City Shitheads select Dildo Cumsalot, FB, Texas A&M

^ Like that

The New York Giants complete their first round of LSU picks by selecting

Greedy Williams CB LSU

Best player on the Vikings' board regardless of need. The Vikings would prefer that this guy be a toolsy lockdown guard, but instead they got a pretty darn good LT of the future who can start right away. Reiff will just have to play guard for a year, and Vikings will just have to hope he's not as bad at making the transition as Mike Remmers was. Luckily, that was probably going to be the Vikings' plan anyway.

The Minnesota Vikings select Jonah Williams, OT, Alabama

The Titans select BPA and get a good one at that.

The Tennessee Titans select Clelin Ferrell, EDGE, Clemson.

The Pittsburgh Steelers select D.K. Metcalf, WR, Ole Miss


Pittsburgh could use LB , CB , Pass rusher, but because the draft is mainly a defensive draft a lot of great offensive players have slipped down further than anticipated. Steelers take their next Offensive super star let’s hope Big Ben doesn’t piss him off too.