39. luv
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Is this Chiefsplanet or facebook? I can't tell. Especially with luv around. You know that luv will always let us know what is going on in her pathetic, perpetually single existence. Even if we don't ****ing care. Especially if we don't ****ing care. Nobody else does, so dammit, we're going to.
What's luv up to today? Is she being seduced into craptastic sexual rendezvous with dirtbags via shitty sports drinks? Who wouldn't be? Is she trying to dream that impossible dream of a Springfield Chiefs-watching get together to fill the gargantuan, lonely crater of a social void in her life? Always. Is she currently living her "working girl" dream and moving up in the corporate world by filing TPS reports and stapling things for lawyers? LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY AIN'T GOT NOTHING ON THIS GIRL. DOIN' IT HER WAY!!!!!
We all know the story of how luv found Chiefsplanet. One lonely night, surrounded by her cats, wearing a disgusting, unwashed nightie that could double as a bedsheet, hopped up on mountain dew and cheetos, she decided she was feeling "frisky." This was back when luv was a horrible hambeast (more on that epic ****ing tale of yo-yo dieting, tears and the inevitable skin sails later), so she decided to lower her standards since she hadn't been laid since high school.
Verily, she googled the following phrase: "fat, bald, goatee'd pervert."
Something about the Chiefs popped up. So luv, living in Springfield, the worst town in America (a perfect place for her), clicked. Maybe she could find a Chiefs loving guy with low standards! A real connection could be made.
Luv didn't know ANYTHING about football. Just that men liked it. So, she thought...if men like it, I could like it, and maybe they'd like me! The plot was hatched.
Luv logged on as "luv2rite" and quickly identified herself as a football-loving female. Instantly she was a huge hit with the horny, undersexed, white knights of Chiefsplanet. They wanted to teach her EVERYTHING about football.
So she learned a lot of stuff and annoyed us and showed up at tailgates and yes, she scored! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! Endelt260 was so horrified by his sexual encounter with "pre-JennyCraig" luv that he has never returned to this place. His loss, because now luv is ONE SMOKIN' HOT BABE!
Did you know that? Did you know she lost weight? Yes, after years of trying, "luv2eat" turned into "luv2lift" and eventually "luv2phoenix." Verily, she has risen from the lard-covered ashes of her old life. It only took her 12 years and 10,000 blog entires about how THIS TIME she was going to finally lose weight. But she did, so good job, honey. We knew we could shame you into it.
Luv is really excited now. After figuring out that her personal trainer (the first male to give her regular attention since her dentist) was never going to **** her, she reactivated her OKCupid account and changed her body type to "curvy." Then she uploaded new photos of herself looking like an actual human being!
The messages flooded her inbox like velveeta used to flood down her gullet. The shopping spree for cute outfits was epic, though the nervous breakdown when she passed the big and tall section resulted in an embarrassing public scene. But never you mind! Black men everywhere wanted a piece of dat ass now. Luv felt like a woman again! And now it is her prerogative to have a little fun. Go totally crazy. Forget she's not a lady. Whoa oh oh!
Now she can finally find a man, get married, pop out some kids, get fat again, get divorced, inherit half of some poor bastard's life savings and start thinking about getting a dog, who WILL NEVER LEAVE HER.
And we'll hear all about it, I assure you. Luv will NEVER stop telling us about. Make sure you contribute at least $20 to her future kickstarter campaign to pay for her body contouring procedure, or luv will never realize her lifelong dream of wearing sleeveless garments.
