Rebuilding Trust in Friends

[crayzkirk]

I'm having difficulty rebuilding trust in an old 'friend'. We grew up together and there were lots of good times. We shared an apartment and he never paid for any bills. I let him move in with me again because, as he stated, he would be around and could pay me back. I found him stealing from me and never got a cent from him. I kicked him out and moved his stuff into the front yard.

So, about 25 years after this, I hear from him and he wants to see me. I'm a little skeptical however I agree. He says that he wants to make amends and wants to know how much he owes me; I tell him whatever he thinks is fair. I don't hear from him for another 5 or so years. We have gotten together a couple of times, talking about the old days, etc. and I enjoyed it.

I asked about getting some CBD for my tremors and he said that his son could get me a deal; could save me $80. My response was that I wasn't going to get into any sort of financial transactions with him. He gets indignant and says he's tired of the bullshit and should just cut me a check.

Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me. Burn me thrice?

We're both 62; life is short. I've never had a 'friend' treat me this way. There's part of me that wants to figure out how to fix things and there's another part that says run way.

How do you rebuild trust once it's damaged?

[Bearcat]

With friends like that....

[Rain Man]

I pretty much made my decision at "I found him stealing from me".

Give him an accurate and full number of what he owes you, and don't talk about anything else. Tell him you'll look forward to chatting with him once you're paid back in full. You'll never hear from him again.

[C3HIEF3S]

Honestly, it sounds like your gut is telling you the answer if you don’t trust him. Drama spanning over 25 years? No one besides yourself is worth that kind of energy.

[mlyonsd]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

I pretty much made my decision at "I found him stealing from me".

Give him an accurate and full number of what he owes you, and don't talk about anything else. Tell him you'll look forward to chatting with him once you're paid back in full. You'll never hear from him again.

Wise old owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

[Buehler445]

Just get the CBD somewhere else.

Keep arms length if he wants to chat whatever. Just keep arms length

[Megatron96]

Originally Posted by crayzkirk

I'm having difficulty rebuilding trust in an old 'friend'. We grew up together and there were lots of good times. We shared an apartment and he never paid for any bills. I let him move in with me again because, as he stated, he would be around and could pay me back. I found him stealing from me and never got a cent from him. I kicked him out and moved his stuff into the front yard.

So, about 25 years after this, I hear from him and he wants to see me. I'm a little skeptical however I agree. He says that he wants to make amends and wants to know how much he owes me; I tell him whatever he thinks is fair. I don't hear from him for another 5 or so years. We have gotten together a couple of times, talking about the old days, etc. and I enjoyed it.

I asked about getting some CBD for my tremors and he said that his son could get me a deal; could save me $80. My response was that I wasn't going to get into any sort of financial transactions with him. He gets indignant and says he's tired of the bullshit and should just cut me a check.

Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me. Burn me thrice?

We're both 62; life is short. I've never had a 'friend' treat me this way. There's part of me that wants to figure out how to fix things and there's another part that says run way.

How do you rebuild trust once it's damaged?

His job to rebuild trust with you. Not yours.

However, This is pretty simple really. You can just forget about the fact that he owes you anything and go from there. Give him a clean slate.

Of course, you have to realize that if you 'loan' him any money, you're really just giving him money; you can't expect to get the money back, ever.

My dad told me when I was leaving for college, "if you ever loan money to a friend, never expect to get it back. So, don't ever loan money you can't afford to just give away."

Turns out he was completely right I'd need my fingers and toes to count the number of time I loaned out money to friends, and I only need one hand to count the number of friends that actually paid me back.

[vonBobo]

I have friends that I can hang out with but I would never leave them alone with my stuff or loan $5 to. I'm never expecting to right the past so I'm never hung up about it, just know that I will never be in a position where they can cross me again. Those friends usually drift away looking for other targets.

[crayzkirk]

Thanks... It's all good advice, he was my first friend when we moved. I think of him like my younger sister; I love him however I don't trust him as far as I can throw my house. Friends, family and money make nothing but trouble.

I wonder if I'm desperate to bring back the old days. And realistically, I don't care about the money; it's like I told him that actions speak louder than words. I have unrealistic expectations of people; when I said I was looking to get some CBD, I was actually thinking this was going to be an opportunity for him to show that he was sincere about paying me back. Saying he could save me money through a deal with his son was a disappointment...

[Iowanian]

After that much time, he's likely got an angle if he's coming back.

You're better off without that prick around. Nothing good can come from it.

[fan4ever]

Life has taught me "no good deed goes unpunished". It's up to your buddy to make amends as has been said. If he doesn't value your friendship, why should you?

[Hog's Gone Fishin]

He probably has Covid and wants to share.

[PHOG]

Steer clear

[TwistedChief]

I'm a big believer in second chances. People make mistakes and sometimes wake up the next day and would give anything to take them back. Your 'friend' seemed to have had that epiphany when he came back into your life in an attempt to make amends. He then strung you out and ghosted you.

I'll literally send you a check for $80 myself rather than for you to keep someone like this in your life. Friendships aren't supposed to be that difficult, and there's every indication that this guy is unhealthy for you and doesn't 'get it.'

Is it possible that you'd just be known as 'kirk' on CP if he were never in your life?

[crayzkirk]

Originally Posted by TwistedChief

Is it possible that you'd just be known as 'kirk' on CP if he were never in your life?

Actually, no... The Crayz part comes from my days working on a Cray-XMP Super Computer. United Computing Systems had the only commercially available Cray-XMP. It was used to redesign the solid rocket booster joints on the space shuttle after the cold weather accident.

Still... Lots of good advice. I have a tendency to let my emotions get the better of me; I feel justified, then I feel guilty all the while knowing that the truth is somewhere...