Dane knows child music talent like no other. He can spot a success upon first glance; it doesn't take him long to undress the childish facade they put up so he can see the enormous potential throbbing within them. He's a real audiophile, too-- his taste and knowledge of music makes him well-known around the neighborhood. I have no idea if he still owns all of his records, tapes, 8-tracks, and CDs, or if he's gone completely digital, but I understand it's quite a secret collection. It's probably enough to fill up a rather large utility van.
He told me once that he lives just a few houses away from Marina Sirtis. That is really ****ing cool as crap, and I'll totally admit that I'm jealous. However, while Dane's cool and all, I feel really bad for Marina. Every time he needs to go over to her house to borrow a cup of sugar, she must get overwhelmed from sensing the enormous douchebag energy approaching her doorstep. Then again, I guess that scenario would never happen. Dane is a very independent and self-determined individual, and he takes care of himself pretty well. If you suggested to him that he might be able to save that creme broulee if he just sought out some help from Marina, he would probably ignore it and try to fix the dessert himself.
I just had to put him on the list when he returned recently from his 78th leave of absence from Chiefs Planet. Not only is he one of the most successful posters, but he's also probably one of like, three people on here who have already won the game of life. And his big forum personality matches that quality about him, more than you can say for the guy who invented Dropbox, who rarely ever posts here, and BigRedChief, who probably loves relaxing at home to quality programming on CBS after a long day of kicking people in the balls at the United Nations.
Just be sure to get your snuggle time in while you can. Frosty the Snow Dane will eventually melt down again, but don't worry kids. He'll be back again some day.
11. Pestilence
Spoiler!
BREAKING: CALIFORNIA MAN ARRESTED FOR SENDING LEWD PICTURES OF HIS MEMBER TO INTERNET FORUM MEMBERS
A Northern California resident's acts of sexual harassment have come to an end after getting arrested Friday afternoon.
The man, who goes by the moniker "Pestilence" on the unofficial Kansas City Chiefs internet fan forum chiefsplanet.com was arrested at his workplace on Friday afternoon, caught in the act of sending another indecent picture of himself to one of the other participants on the forum.
Pestilence's attorney, also a Chiefs Planet member known as "Baby Lee," claimed to police that he doesn't see the problem, and that his client was only contributing to a continuously running gag on the forum since 2012.
"Look, I don't quite understand it, but they've got this character named Fisty McTatt, which is an altered image using photo-editing software that depicts my client's hand contorted into a bizarre-looking fist," said Lee to media sources just hours after the arrest. "This guy Sofa King put some eyes and a mustache on my client's fist, then fixed that face on top of the body of another Chiefs Planet member that features a poorly drawn chest tattoo of a KC Chiefs logo surrounded by phallic objects. That's the joke."
"My client thought it would be funny to create a new character as the kind of straight man to Fisty McTatt's Larry David from Curb Your Enthusiasm. Brilliant ****ing show, by the way. Anyway, the new character was Dicky McElephant, you see. And well... it was all supposed to be in good fun."
The edited picture in question (crop-censored above) shows Pestilence's pubic area. The hair is shaved, and in its place is a drawn picture of an elephant, with the defendant's genitalia serving as the elephant's trunk.
Lee claims that he and his client were misled by Chiefs Planet's management team: "I was busy watching my 4th hour of Seinfeld re-runs when 'Pesty' showed this to me. I thought it was really funny, but was unaware of Chiefs Planet's code of conduct. I private messaged Bob Dole, a moderator, asking his opinion, and when I received no response, I figured the image would be safe to distribute to all of the members."
The Dicky McElephant image has been altered by numerous other individuals. These images feature the character in a variety of familiar situations and photographs, including one particularly grotesque and vile alteration of Dorothea Lang's world-famous "Migrant Mother" photograph. In the new image, the elephant character stares down the mother, and a word bubble appears above the character that says, "I'm going in dry!"
Police were made aware of the sexual harassment issue associated with Dicky McElephant from one Kirstie Tynes, a self-proclaimed intellectual property ownership rights advocate. Reportedly, Pestilence had sent her the image on 34 separate occasions, with most of the images showing Tynes' modeling poses interacting sexually with Dicky.
When asked for comment, Tynes only had one word: "Sickening."
A continued investigation of the defendant's testimony will be conducted. Any accomplices, including the aforementioned Sofa King, will be sent in for questioning.
10. htismaqe
Spoiler!
Parker (because I'll be ****ed if I'm going to type out that combination of letters that looks like kcnut threw up on his keyboard every time I want to mention this turd by name) doesn't deserve to be up here at all, but for some bizarre reason I really like him, so he gets a top 10 spot. Because of seniority, or whatever.
He's just so ****ing busy! Great, Parker. You're busy, we get it. It's not like everybody else has all the ****ing time in the world. I've got a job, too. Shit, it's the last weeks of class and I have papers and finals to grade. I have research obligations. I could be doing that right now, but because I'm an adult I know how to balance home, work, and Planet life like a responsible individual. I don't just go own extended leaves of absence because "really busy at my job!"
His incredible service to the forum deserves applause in some respects. Former mod. Former CP mock draft participant. Veteran of some of Chiefs Planet's (and the Star forum's) most heated and contentious battles. We say "former" in all of these cases, though. Because why? Because he was busy!
At least he took an honest shot as Roastmaster. Think of all those roasts he had to go through. 101. Can you imagine?
He clearly couldn't. Know why? Because he quit like he always ****ing does. Sheesh, dude. PGM had more motivation to do his ****ing job than you did. I know the roasts aren't very juicy at the top (I know because I've ****ing been there) but that's what separates the divisional playoff loss Marty teams from the 7-9 sad stinky disappointments. And let me tell you, brother- Carlton Gray and Chester McGlockton are NOT going to put you over the top in this one.
Parker, I wanted you to come back. The door was always open. We could have been a team. We would have been unstoppable. But you are still really busy, or some shit. Fine. Whatever. I'm good with being the King of Roasts. Maybe when you're not busy and go on splurges of 500 posts per day for 2-month stretches you can have a nice long talk with Hootie about who has more willpower to finish complicated tasks. And at least Hootie has an excuse-- he got banned.
In the meantime, I AM busy, but I still got you your roast that you deserved. Oh, and when you see your boy Carl over the holidays and give him a big wet kiss, tell him to go **** himself from me.
9. Rausch
Spoiler!
Rausch and I are blood brothers. We both were smarter than everyone else when it came to Todd Collins, and we fought valiantly side-by-side for many years for him to get the respect he deserved. It was a tragedy that Todd couldn't stay longer in Kansas City, but we will always remember the wonderful times when he was here.
I was just a n00b at the time. This was long before I became a drafturbator or a QB-at-all-costs table pounder, and I was a lot happier and more naive. Donk scum was donk scum. Taco John and everybody like him was a hated enemy. And the Chiefs had just passed on drafting Joey Harrington. I said, "Well, at this point the Chiefs may as well hold an open competition between Todd Collins and Trent Green," given Green's initial struggles in his first year with the team.
Rausch backed me. He was also of a similar mindset. Michigan guy. He was cool and calm in the pocket. And as we later found out, he had a fantastic taste in liquor. That was our QB right there. Rausch and I spent a lot of time talking about Todd Collins for my first couple of years on the Planet.
"I like his appearance. It's strong and powerful- a perfect image for the future," Rausch would always say.
"Yeah, I agree, Brad, he looks like he takes great care of himself in the weight room," I would reply.
After that point we were inseparable. While you morons were spending all preseason pining for Jonathan Quinn and Joe Germaine, Rausch and I already knew who our backup hero was. And we were damn proud of it.
Another thing we're both damn proud of is our German heritage. I'm 75% German and 25% Danish, so I'm familiar with a lot of the midwestern stubborn German culture that prevails in this part of the country. Rausch is the exact same way. We spend a lot of time sharing our appreciation of German culture. When Rausch found out I was a musician, all he could talk about was Wagner, especially the end of the 3rd act of Meistersinger, when the townschorus unites and declares 1000 years of prosperity for our great German art.
He taught me this great drinking song that he sings with his buddies at his local beer hall. I only have a reading knowledge of German, but it wasn't too hard to learn. The tune was pretty catchy, anyway. He told me it's called the Horst Wes-... wait, I just thought of this hilarious Rausch story!
Okay, so it was a thread about the new Albert Einstein biography by Walter Isaacson that was a bestseller back in 2008. I asked Rausch if he was going to read it, and he said, "No way. Einstein belonged in a concentration camp." I thought that was kind of bogus to say considering that Einstein was a really smart person, but then I thought again and Rausch is probably right. Einstein was probably too smart for his own good and would be thinking about relativity and shit when all he really wanted was to find his reading glasses that were placed on top of his head the entire time. All the really smart people I know have that problem with concentration. That was a pretty unique and funny observation by Rausch that I won't forget.
Lately we've got this offensive line bet going that's kind of silly. I mean, it's a quibble over whether or not the Chiefs can allow fewer than the 4th most sacks of all NFL teams. Like... even if they do get under that number, who cares? They're still awful at protection, and Alex Smith is a bozo who takes way too many sacks. I was talking to Rausch earlier this offseason about Geoff Schwartz and how we could have really used him. I got a little confused, because Rausch was like, "Eh, screw him. We don't need him and his mongrel blood flaunting his decadence of culture in our locker room."
LOL, right? Just Rausch being Rausch man. The man's really picky about the talent on his offensive line. But he's a really good dude. Totally good dude. One of my best buds on this forum.
8. Bowser
Spoiler!
Bowser is a man.
Package handler by day. Package handler by night.
He's all about putting the bros over the hoes. Even his own wife and mother.
And if you can successfully remove his mouth from Bugeater's nutsack, he'll be the most loyal and friendly Chiefs forum friend you can possibly imagine. When his wife's not looking, that is.
Just like Rausch, I hear he's a fun drinking buddy, but he's a little hard to get ahold of. You might have to make an appointment with his house secretary to see if he's available to go out and play with you.
7. Simply Red
Spoiler!
Simply Red is a catty bitch. Only he could get away with giving people advice about fashion and appearance while typing all of his posts exclusively in Comic Sans.
Simply Red is "the weird phase I was going through" that all women talk about when they discuss their ex-husbands amongst each other.
Simply Red will smother you with love, but then show passive-aggressive tendencies when he's mad at you by hogging all the covers at night.
According to cdcox's prediction software, 76% of Chiefs Planet posters thought Simply Red was gay when he first started posting. NTTIAWWT.
Simply Red has seen Clay's penis.
To be fair, I don't think he had a choice in the matter.
Speaking of Clay, Simply Red is also the first poster to successfully make first contact with salame. Nobody had any ****ing clue what they were saying, but scholars believe it had something to do with drugs.
I already said Simply Red is a catty bitch, but I want to place the emphasis on catty. As in, he's rather cat-like. He'll totally pee on your shit if you don't pay enough attention to him.
Simply Red has two loves in this world: Melissa Joan Hart and Peter and the Wolf. Lucky for him, this shit exists:
Unlucky for Simply Red, that recording is evidence that Melissa Joan Hart is pretty terrible at narration.
Simply Red is the ****ing listmaker. Can we just all agree on that?
I probably would have been more disparaging in this toast, but I just seemed to be too nice today.
6. milkman
Spoiler!
Milkman Test of Intelligence
SECTION A- Team direction analysis proficiency
Directions: Select one of the choices for each given scenario
1. Your favorite football team is known for the past 10-15 years for its up-and-down rate of success from year to year and an unfortunate lack of postseason success. They have just fired their head coach. An old, well-respected head coach who has won a Super Bowl in the past two years is considering coming out of retirement to coach for your team. What is your reaction?
A) Excitement about the possibilities and expectations that the streak of mediocrity will end
B) A tempered reaction, but somewhat positive given the other coaching candidates available
C) Dismay, because this coach will not be good enough, or has demonstrated in the past that he is not good enough
D) Dismay, because your ideal candidate, the offensive coordinator from Tokyo Yukata, a team in the semi-professional Japanese Football League, was not hired
E) Anger, because **** you
F) Choices C and D
G) Choices C and E
H) Choices C, D, and E
2. You are the owner of a football team, and it's time to hire a new GM. You have conducted interviews with three candidates. No others interest you, or they are unavailable. Whom do you hire?
A) The guy from outside the system with about as outstanding of a resume that any one guy can have if he has never held the GM position before
B) The guy currently on the team with experience as a former GM, in which he orchestrated a draft trade-up costing his team an entire year's worth of draft picks, all so he could select a RB.
C) The guy you just fired, because you've never known anything different
D) You pull an Al Davis and make yourself the new GM
E) You give GM duties to the current head coach, whose intelligence and sanity is a bit questionable
F) B or **** you
G) D or F
H) None of the above
SECTION B- Player Evaluation Aptitude
Directions: Select multiple choices as asked
3. Given the following available players, select 5 to form the best possible starting offensive line.
a. Larry Bitchardson- A 2nd-year 6th round T/G tweener without much experience in college, but he has great hip movement and seems nice
b. Jade Stith- A veteran C/G tweener with starting experience. Undrafted out of college
c. Sydney Fartapples- A 6th year swing LT/RT with some starting experience. Cheap because nobody else seems to want him
d. Danny Duodenum- Available via trade of a 5th round pick, has little starting experience, but is multi-faceted. Can play any line position, since nobody can seem to figure out what he's good at
e. Albert Denbren- Last year's 1st round pick at LT. Played guard in college, but has the size and maneuverability that you, personally, look for in a LT
f. Seamus McHaggis- Waiver wire pickup option. Veteran RT with some, but not much starting experience. You recall hearing his name called at some point when you watched Sunday Night Football three years ago
g. Dikembe Mu'aclikicliki- Swing guard, acquired last year in a player-for-player trade. Is worthless
h. Lane Dickcloud- Undrafted rookie free agent. Hit somebody really hard in training camp. Played for the NAIA Jizzonme State University, so is quite experienced, but raw in all the right ways. Reaper16 of Chiefs Planet likes him.
i. Lester Spears- Your starting RG for the past 17 years. Has never won shit. Doesn't seem to mind or complain much about it. Can tell you about the time he got to longsnap for Jan Stanerud.
j. Michael Flopmod- A 400 lb man who tried out for the team two weeks ago. Has a great locker room personality.
k. A random undrafted free agent. You'll take your chances (may choose more than once)
l. You'll pay out the ass for an expensive aging player from another team (may chose more than once)
4. Select the three most important qualities from the choices provided in your ideal starting QB
a. 6'2" or taller
b. Can run multiple systems
c. Is bald
d. Throws for around 3500 yards per season
e. Is considered to be in the top 3 greatest QBs of all time in spite of having only won one Super Bowl
f. Has a Jay Cutler arm
g. Has never and will never play a single game without an elite defense because the sun just shines out of his ass
SECTION C
Directions: Answer the question below
5. Are you Milkman? (Y or N)
============================================= SCORING
Total your score from Section A with the following point values:
1. A) -5 B) 0 C) +2 D) +10 E) +5 F) +12 G) -3 H) -25
2. A) 0 B) +3000 C) -3000 D) +2 E) -2999 F) +10 G) +3 H) 0
Total your score from Section B
3. If you chose b), e), h), i), or k) score +5 points for each player selected
If you chose a), score +5000 points
If you chose c) or d), score 0 points
If you chose f) or g), subtract 3 points for each selection
If you chose j), you are deserving of a name change on your online football forum of choice
If you chose l) one or more times, then kill yourself
4. If you chose a), b), c), d), f), or g), score +5 points for each selection
If you chose e), subtract 500 points
Section A and B subtotal: _______
If you answered "Yes" in Section C, multiply your subtotal by 0
If you answered "No" in Section C, subtract 10,000 from your subtotal
========================================== RESULTS
-1 or fewer points = You are a dumbass
0 or more points = You are an asshole
5. Mr. Flopnuts
Spoiler!
"The People's Mod is the People's Noose"
By BlackBob
I am a concerned citizen of Chiefs Planet, and wish to speak to you today about a problem not many of you realize is tearing apart the fabric of your precious forum. I'm speaking about Mr. Flopnuts, also known to many of you as "the People's Mod."
Understand that I have not been here long, but because I'm just as bad as Mav in terms of acting like I was around for all these important events before I ever joined CP, I have done my research. I have concluded that Mr. Flopnuts, while loyal to his friends, is using his Supermoderator powers as a member of the Drafturbators to institute a totalitarian groupthink society, with him in charge.
Mr. Flopnuts is a wolf in sheep's clothing. He lies about his actions and modding record, and convinces everybody that the lies he spreads are the truth. He makes you happy that he is poaching off your species little by little because he's doing population and conservation control measures. Here's how things got to be this way.
November 14, 2010: Mr. Flopnuts tells a Raiders troll who wants to gloat after a Chiefs loss, "I hope your children are sodomized by a 400 lb man." Flopnuts receives an infraction and a temp ban. He reaches out to Penn Jillette on Facebook asking if he knows the reason why. It's revealed in a thread that morphius, doing his job under heavy pressure, made a quick-thinking judgment call, since Flopnuts' hoodie and bag of skittles seemed threatening. This creates a lens for the public to view and criticize. Flopnuts is released, acts cordial and nice about it, but morphius continues to get lambasted as a victim of his sociopathic lust for power.
Approximately five months later, a public election is held for new additions to the modding staff. Mr. Flopnuts wins overwhelming support after an organized campaign of baby-kissing and sucking up to other members at Chiefs events. Democratically elected, he immediately announces a conservative moderating administration, preferring to let the invisible hand of the market rape whatever trolls are behaving out of line: "Happy to be here. Happy to serve. I'm pretty much just here to clear out graphic porn pics, spam, and the like. Trolls? Well, I'd rather **** with them than ban them, so we'll take that one step at a time." http://chiefsplanet.com/BB/showpost....1&postcount=51
Believing he can further win favoritism through bread and circuses, he takes a radical pro-tags position, advocating for their traditional return on draft day and beyond. Instantly he is as beloved as DaFace as a mod.
Behind the scenes, Mr. Flopnuts reverts into his real personality. Some sources have told me that Mr. Flopnuts is the kind of person that gets excited about a Drafturbator Fantasy Football Auction League, gets wasted, and then at the beginning of the auction drives up the price of Adrian Peterson just to be a huge asshole. He spends half his money on one player, realizes he's screwed, and then lets the machine autobid for the rest of his players.
He does a good job keeping the streets clean, but then proposes a massive cleanup of the DC Forum by cracking down on the racist comments. I'm not a racist, but I would extend the same rights of somebody to be critical of a group of people as long as they protected by right to think reeruned things about the best players on the Chiefs who are the only ones who legitimately try to win every week. That is a huge concern. Mr. Flopnuts oversteps his bounds constantly. He's a tyrant. He disguises his beatings that he delivers to his children as fun and games.
And how does he justify this? By going back to his protective inner circle cock ring of friends to justify his vote, always maintaining a courteous and respectful tone that makes everybody's vagina tingle with delight. http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showt...282036&page=22
Because of people like him, a witch hunt forum culture has developed that seeks to persecute free-thinking individuals. I was a victim of the MOB attacks in 2013. Consider for a moment that "MOB" is only one letter away from "Mod." Go back and watch the tape of this thread if you don't believe me.
I'm not beyond using self-deprecating humor and intellectual humility to sway people to my opinions. It just never works for me because I'm really ****ing annoying. That's fine. But when you're a snake in the grass, you can whisper whatever venom you wish into the true people's ear and have them believe that their freedom and sovereignty are not being threatened by the rise of an oligarchical tyranny under Der Flöprer.
Stand with me alongside the other n00bs who find this place sickening and leave forever after 48 hours! Together we can create a Chiefs Planet where utter dumb****s and lunatics aren't insulted for spewing vile garbage everywhere!
4. SNR
Spoiler!
SNR is everything wrong with internet culture. Don't believe me, just look at this board. Here on this manly football board where alpha dog mentality reigns supreme perhaps more than on any other board besides the musclehead alphapillowbiters board, our top 5 consists of a 400lb fat ass, a guy who uses dog shit as retaliation against females, and 3 Star Trek geeks. Wow. And if Rainman isn't a Star Trek geek, well who gives a shit? He owns a company that does surveys for a living, and his manliness piques at removing advertising from his neighborhood light poles, and is the master of polls here on Chiefsplanet. That's a lot poles/polls for an alpha dog.
Back to SNR. He's a pianist. Say that fast enough, and yeah, you know. This is a guy that in all of his alpha dog mentality decided to pursue a doctorate in music. And what did he do with it? He became a music teacher. You know, those who can, do, and those who can't? Teach. I'd be pissed too. Don't get me wrong. He's made a couple of albums on classical music that he's so proud of, he promised to send me a CD for months and never delivered. Much like his album I'd guess. Makes me think it must be like Amazon authors. Write a book, sell no copies on Amazon, but hey! You're still an author! That means SNR is a musician damnit!
The guy has been here for 12 years. That's a dozen for you laymen. SNR's words, not mine. He's kind of a supremist douche. As a drafturbator, you know the type. He self annointed himself as a candidate for the GM job when Carl was let go, http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=199759
You're the only person in the room that doesn't know he's better, and smarter than you. The dude is such an elitist douche that he thought you needed to know that John Goodman wasn't really dead. http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=230781
Between his narrcisstic better than you mentality, and his clear schematic advantage at composing music, everyone knows what a huge Star Trek nerd he is. Totally manly, right? Let's play a game. Let's play the who started this thread game. "What's your favorite Star Trek episode". Clay, right? Jesus ****, it HAD to be Clay right? http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=242807
Alpha dog to the core. Can anyone else see SNR sleeping with a Wesley Crusher doll until he was 16, and still having it in his closet today? Because I totally can.
Finally, and most shockingly, who brought rape culture to Chiefsplanet? SNR did. Do you really think it was because he thought rape was funny? I don't. I think it's far more sinister than that. Back in 2011 SNR talked about his impending move to Madison, WI. http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=232949
Being the alpha dog that he is, he discussed being unhappy in his current job, and his wife having landed a job there and being totally happy with him playing daddy for a kid not yet born. Now, I know what you're thinking. SNR is married?!?!? I thought it too. He NEVER talks about his wife. But there's further proof this isn't made up. http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=246421
She was mentioned here as well. That was it though. Never again. My conclusion is that she left him for a man. Not another man, just a man. She realized she ****ed up right? And what happened from there? Well, that's where this all starts turning upside down. SNR soon created this thread about his colleague hooking up with a student. http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=261004
And then, it became full on rape, rape, rape, rape, rape, rape, rape. Seek help SNR. You can control your urges. I know it's frustrating having your wife leave you for a man, and I can only imagine the personal hell of having your mother being more manly than you. You're not alone buddy. Actually, yeah. Yeah, you are. Seek help anyway. Everyone has always asked what SNR stands for. Clearly it stands for Secretly Nearing Raper status. We all should've saw the signs. We've all let SNR down.
3. 'Hamas' Jenkins
Spoiler!
I apologize in advance. This is going to be another non-roast, but since my Talking Can one went over fairly well, I'm going to do it for Hamas as well. If you don't like it, I invite you to voluntarily ban yourself for a year.
Do you know what makes me smile the most about this place? When you get a new member who's been a Chiefs fan for years, and he gets really super excited that he found such an active and fun forum for Chiefs talk. He eagerly starts gabbing away various platitudes about supporting Alex (or Cassel if you're going back several years) and how the Sea of Red is the best fan experience in the NFL. The guy seems nice, and he thinks everybody on here is just as supportive, because we're all Chiefs fans. But he's not met with supportive or polite discourse. He gets inane comments about his mother and family, suggestions of ways he could kill himself, and nothing but shame and vitriol for his small-minded thinking. The new member says something like, "This forum is a hell hole. What the hell is wrong with you guys?" and is never heard from again.
That is perhaps my favorite part of Chiefs Planet. That notorious reputation among the other Chiefs fan sites is what makes this place so great. It's the toughest saloon this side of Mitch Holthus' disgusting mole on his face.
We have people like Hamas to thank for that. Sure, we've had trolls and dumbasses like Mecca doing that shit for years, but Hamas is much different. I think more than any other member, he has demanded a higher level of posting excellence from this community. And he didn't just do it by storming in and shoving his opinion down everybody's throats as soon as he got here. He didn't act smarter than he really is; he posts intelligent things because he IS that smart. He led by example in showing us what the discourse on this forum was capable of being.
On the internet (and in life for that matter) everybody tends to not listen to new ideas. It could make total sense to them, but if it's not explained in such a way that will soothe a person's ego and convince them that this new idea was something individually researched or realized through intuition, that person probably isn't going to change his or her mind. Very rarely does a person come around that can pull off change in a person's mindset. Especially on the internet, where the absence of pathos can really limit the tools of rhetoric.
Hamas was unique. He would treat you with respect, but he simply wouldn't tolerate stupidity. And it was everywhere. People liked Tyler ****ing Thigpen, for crying out loud. Telling people to go kill themselves was an unconventional way of winning people over to your view of the situation, but when you're as organized and precise of a thinker as Hamas is, the combination of reasoned discourse and offensive insult was quite a lethal 1-2 punch.
There are a handful of brilliant Hamasisms that I've picked up over the years and reframed to fit real conversations. I've been using a lot of metaphor and satire in these roasts, and I've definitely gotten better at it, but I've only been digging them out because I've seen the elegance and grace that can result from their proper and effective use. For instance, when he wrote something like, "Hester Pioli should be forced to wear Cassel's $60 million contract as a scarlet ****ing letter," that opened a new world for me. My Phobia roast would not be here if Hamas had not dared to mix literature with football operations.
The Gang of 14 treatise should be required reading in all Kansas City public schools. Just imagine. The Chiefs Kingdom would be far more representational of CP's attitudes. Mitch Holthus would stop talking about Alex Smith's toughness when he struggles in a game and instead would make a plea for somebody to pour antifreeze into Smith's Gatorade bottle. The next time the Chiefs have the #1 overall pick and draft a MAC conference OT, the NFL Network wouldn't see a room full of cheering drunk assholes. They would see a bunch of signs telling them to go hang themselves from an AIDS tree.
That's why Hamas is #3.
2. Rain Man
Spoiler!
I’ll wait for everybody to finish having their periods over the fact that Rain Man is not #1. Take your time. Do what you gotta do.
…
We good?
Okay. We’re not here to quibble about rankings. We’re here to celebrate the illustrious career of Rain Man and another fantastic year of posts full of wit, humor, polls, and fun with randomizers. #2 is a phenomenal ranking that any mother with a son whose children are a bunch of cats should be proud of.
So as a tribute, I’m going to do for Rain Man what he’s done for us all these years. I’ve programmed a few scenarios where my computer will randomly generate some matches for the names I input. Due to time, I’m only selecting 4 participants from a specific list of snubs in every scenario, but Rain Man will be present in all of them. I assure you all that the simulations are totally randomized through my computer. If you don’t like what you got, there’s not much I can do for you.
I thought I’d start off with one of Rain Man’s favorite topics: geography.
Which non-US city should you move to?
1. stevieray- Hope you like tea and flowers. You’ll get a lot of that stuff in Souzhou, China
2. KcMizzou- At least you won’t have to learn a new language. Well, sort of. Enjoy your new life in Perth, Australia
3. TribalElder- You’re not a Nazi, are you? If so, you’ll have plenty of friends in Buenos Aires, Argentina.
4. Rain Man- It just takes awhile to get used to. Have fun in Mogadishu, Somalia
Okay, so for the next one, I can’t be as story-driven or organized as Rain Man had envisioned these turning out, but there’s no reason why I can’t make it dull and unexciting. In this scenario, I’m reviving the B-29 bomber simulator.
How does your bombing mission go?
1. Dartgod- You’re the co-pilot. Your aircraft encounters turbulence and heavy fire, but your succeed in your run. Congratulations. Go have an ale.
2. loochy- You’re the bombardier. Your mission could not have gone any better. Your bombs hit exactly on the targets, and your plane didn’t get so much as a scratch. Well done!
3. Amnorix- You just sort of came along for the ride. Nobody really knows why you’re here, but you manage to not only survive the bombing run, but also not get in the way of everybody else. Good work!
4. Rain Man- You’re the pilot. You're doing a good job keeping your bomber out of trouble when the German planes start attacking, but you quickly realize that you’re flying too high, and none of your targets are hitting. You attempt a daring dive through a dense cloud of projectile shrapnel and sustain heavy damage to the engines. Your co-pilot Black Bob gets a large phallic-shaped piece of glass speared through his mouth and down his throat. He coughs blood everywhere and finally chokes to death. Your crew in the bomber is doing the best they can, but you can sense that they are also taking time and energy to actively hate you for being such a moron. As you sit there feeling sorry for yourself, you’re not watching what you’re doing and a German fighter slams into the side of the plane. Your crew is now dead, and you only have moments to grab your parachute under the seat and jump out of the spiraling wreckage. You miraculously land safely in an enemy camp. The commanding officer stationed there is an enormous psychotic pervert, and he rapes you to death over the next 5 days. Better luck next time.
If Chiefs Planet members were trees, what kind of tree would they be?
1. Gonzo- North American Larch
2. listopencil- Russian Olive Tree
3. Sully- Black Hills Spruce
4. Rain Man- Deciduous AIDS Tree with Dutch Elm Disease rooted in the middle of Ferguson, MO
If Chiefs Planet members were Star Trek characters, who would they be?
1. KC Native- T’Pol from Star Trek: Enterprise
2. Pablo- Talleyrand from Star Trek: Original Series
3. Saulbadguy- Kurn from Star Trek: The Next Generation and Deep Space Nine
4. Rain Man- Well, Rick Berman got drunk one night and tried to write a Voyager script where they encounter a dimensional rift and out pops Jar Jar Binks from the shitty Star Wars movies. You’re Jar Jar Binks. You die horribly (but with plenty of slapstick!) at the end of the episode when you run a WWII B-29 bomber simulation and Seven of Nine turns the safety protocols off.
What should be your next meal?
1. Sofa King- Chicken Kiev
2. morphius- BLT on toasted rye bread
3. Bwana- Teriyaki-marinated skirt steak salad
4. Rain Man- A bowl of antifreeze with a goddamn turd in it you ****ing asshole. You arrogant piece of shit for ****’s sake how many of these goddamn random scenarios have you run through on the planet over the years? Dozens at least, I’m sure. I’ve participated in most of them for sure. Let’s say you’ve done 20 of them. I know most recently you assigned us U.S. counties to live in and you gave me the poorest ****ing piece of shit in Alabama. Also, YOU ****ING SET ME ON ****ING FIRE DURING THE B-29 SIMULATIONS! I don’t want to ****ing hear about the software you use or how it was generated, okay? You can’t ****ing tell me that a goddamn computer came up with me dying in a mother****ing fire just randomly, and then through luck of the goddamned draw I’m a 60 year-old prostitute with leprosy living in a hut made out of used dildos in the bad part of town in Scumsuck, Alabama! And I know I can’t be the only person you’ve ****ed over like this through these fun little years whenever you’re feeling playful. I’m going to ask my computer right now if I ever meet you in person what I should do upon the initial greeting—say hello or punch you in the goddamn throat. Tell you what, I’ll let it be a surprise when that time comes, asshole. I hope the janitor takes a dump on your ****ing desk in your corner office some time in the next week.
Yeah man. When you see greatness develop, if you're smart you'll just quietly in the background waiting for magic. Offer some praise, or anything else that might make it grow. He's brilliant in this role.
This was the first one I wrote over the period of two or three days. I spent one or two hours each day drafting an outline and writing it. Usually I get an idea, sketch a few points out, and just poop it out in about 30 minutes. For this one, the length and story development required more organization. Once I got the Animal Farm idea, I actually went to the library to grab a copy and started thinking about the posters most befitting of some of the characters/animals, apart from Phobia as Napoleon, who was the inspiration for this thing in the first place.
You're right that not everything can be as good as this, but when you have nearly unlimited directions and material to work with in the case of Phobia, you almost can't do justice by writing standard roasts.
And people would probably agree with me that the best roasts I've done so far are the ones that are more satire than they are a string of jokes and insults.
07-31-2014, 09:33 PM
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