...

Frankie · 11-13-2005, 09:12 AM

True bravery is arriving home late after a boys' night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask, "Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"

**Lzen** · 11-15-2005, 09:59 AM

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday. His wife

told him "Alright buster, tomorrow there had better be something in the

driveway for me that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds flat or you're in for

it!"

The next morning the wife awoke early and looking out her bedroom window,

spotted a small package in the driveway. She was a little perturbed as this

wasn't what she was expecting. She went out and retrieved the package, and

upon opening it, found a handsome, brand new bathroom scale!

Funeral arrangements for the husband are set for this Saturday.

greg63 · 11-16-2005, 12:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lzen

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday. ...

...Just too funny to ignore!

Rep!

ROYC75 · 11-15-2005, 11:51 AM

A indian man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only dark skinned man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him.

The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."

The indian man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen
sir....when I was born I was Brown," "When I grew up I was Brown," "When I'm sick I'm Brown," "When I go in the sun I'm Brown," "When I'm cold I'm Brown," "When I die I'll be Brown."

"But you sir." "When you're born you're pink," "When you grow up you're white," "When you're sick, you're green," "When you go in the sun you turn red," "When you're cold you turn blue," "And when you die you turn purple." "And you have the nerve to call me colored?"

The indian man then sat back down and the white man walked away...

Frankie · 11-18-2005, 06:35 PM

Helen, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Fred, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to Fred and others that everyone seeing it there would know for certain that he was an alcoholic. Fred, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Fred, quietly parked his pickup in front of Helen's house...............

AND he left it there all night.

memyselfI · 11-18-2005, 08:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Frankie

Helen, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Fred, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to Fred and others that everyone seeing it there would know for certain that he was an alcoholic. Fred, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George, quietly parked his pickup in front of Helen's house...............

AND he left it there all night.

Helen and George...

Those names have a history here.

Frankie · 11-18-2005, 09:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by memyselfI

Helen and George...

Those names have a history here.

They do, don't they. BTW, "George" not being one of my favorite names these days, I changed it to Fred in that joke. Didn't catch that last one in time. Kinda ruined a joke that wasn't all that hillarious to begin with.

greg63 · 11-19-2005, 01:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Frankie

They do, don't they. BTW, "George" not being one of my favorite names these days, I changed it to Fred in that joke. Didn't catch that last one in time. Kinda ruined a joke that wasn't all that hillarious to begin with.

Ok, now I get it.

sedated · 11-19-2005, 02:02 AM

The bartender calls last call, and the man that's been at the bar all night goes to stand up from his bar stool. He falls down.

He crawls out the door and to his car but still cannot stand up.

He only lives a few blocks away, so he decides to crawl home. When he gets to his front door he still cannot stand up.

He crawls inside and to his bed. He cannot stand to get in his bed so he crawls in there as well.

The next morning, his wife wakes him up and says, "you were drinking at the bar last night, weren't you?"

"Yes, but how did you know?" he replies.

"Because you left your wheelchair there again."

Frankie · 11-19-2005, 10:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sedated

The bartender calls last call, and the man that's been at the bar all night goes to stand up from his bar stool. He falls down.

He crawls out the door and to his car but still cannot stand up.

He only lives a few blocks away, so he decides to crawl home. When he gets to his front door he still cannot stand up.

He crawls inside and to his bed. He cannot stand to get in his bed so he crawls in there as well.

The next morning, his wife wakes him up and says, "you were drinking at the bar last night, weren't you?"

"Yes, but how did you know?" he replies.

"Because you left your wheelchair there again."

Good one.

Frankie · 11-19-2005, 10:16 AM

(This one for the planeteers of female persuation)

Dear Lord, I pray for:

Wisdom, To understand a man

Love, To forgive him and

Patience, For his moods

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength

I'll just beat him to death.

ChiefFripp · 11-25-2005, 05:39 AM

A cowboy, walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of an underaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a while and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife! I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a woman
truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Frankie · 11-26-2005, 08:55 AM

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't even figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

"According to the picture on the box," answers the blonde, "it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He looks at the pieces, then looks at the box. He turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster. He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he says with a deep sigh........................"we'll put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

Frankie · 12-13-2005, 08:19 PM

A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"

11-13-2005, 09:12 AM	#2
Frankie Banned Frankie's Avatar Join Date: Jul 2001	True bravery is arriving home late after a boys' night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask, "Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"
Posts: 26,959

11-15-2005, 09:59 AM	#3
Lzen Supporter Lzen's Avatar Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Jan Quadrant Vincent 16	A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday. His wife told him "Alright buster, tomorrow there had better be something in the driveway for me that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds flat or you're in for it!" The next morning the wife awoke early and looking out her bedroom window, spotted a small package in the driveway. She was a little perturbed as this wasn't what she was expecting. She went out and retrieved the package, and upon opening it, found a handsome, brand new bathroom scale! Funeral arrangements for the husband are set for this Saturday.
Posts: 41,419

11-15-2005, 11:51 AM	#5
ROYC75 Time For Your Wake Up Call !!! ROYC75's Avatar Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Barn Yard	A indian man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only dark skinned man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him. The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The indian man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir....when I was born I was Brown," "When I grew up I was Brown," "When I'm sick I'm Brown," "When I go in the sun I'm Brown," "When I'm cold I'm Brown," "When I die I'll be Brown." "But you sir." "When you're born you're pink," "When you grow up you're white," "When you're sick, you're green," "When you go in the sun you turn red," "When you're cold you turn blue," "And when you die you turn purple." "And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The indian man then sat back down and the white man walked away...
Posts: 37,006

11-18-2005, 06:35 PM	#6
Frankie Banned Frankie's Avatar Join Date: Jul 2001	Helen, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Fred, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to Fred and others that everyone seeing it there would know for certain that he was an alcoholic. Fred, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing. Later that evening, Fred, quietly parked his pickup in front of Helen's house............... AND he left it there all night. Last edited by Frankie; 11-18-2005 at 09:27 PM..
Posts: 26,959

11-19-2005, 02:02 AM	#10
sedated Like I woke up in Wonderland.. sedated's Avatar Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: KCMO	The bartender calls last call, and the man that's been at the bar all night goes to stand up from his bar stool. He falls down. He crawls out the door and to his car but still cannot stand up. He only lives a few blocks away, so he decides to crawl home. When he gets to his front door he still cannot stand up. He crawls inside and to his bed. He cannot stand to get in his bed so he crawls in there as well. The next morning, his wife wakes him up and says, "you were drinking at the bar last night, weren't you?" "Yes, but how did you know?" he replies. "Because you left your wheelchair there again."
Posts: 18,629

11-19-2005, 10:16 AM	#12
Frankie Banned Frankie's Avatar Join Date: Jul 2001	(This one for the planeteers of female persuation) Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man Love, To forgive him and Patience, For his moods Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death.
Posts: 26,959

11-25-2005, 05:39 AM	#13
ChiefFripp Veteran Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: KC	A cowboy, walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of an underaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a while and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife! I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Posts: 2,579

11-26-2005, 08:55 AM	#14
Frankie Banned Frankie's Avatar Join Date: Jul 2001	A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't even figure out how to get started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" "According to the picture on the box," answers the blonde, "it's a rooster." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He looks at the pieces, then looks at the box. He turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster. He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he says with a deep sigh........................"we'll put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
Posts: 26,959

12-13-2005, 08:19 PM	#15
Frankie Banned Frankie's Avatar Join Date: Jul 2001	A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"
Posts: 26,959