Dane knows child music talent like no other. He can spot a success upon first glance; it doesn't take him long to undress the childish facade they put up so he can see the enormous potential throbbing within them. He's a real audiophile, too-- his taste and knowledge of music makes him well-known around the neighborhood. I have no idea if he still owns all of his records, tapes, 8-tracks, and CDs, or if he's gone completely digital, but I understand it's quite a secret collection. It's probably enough to fill up a rather large utility van.
He told me once that he lives just a few houses away from Marina Sirtis. That is really ****ing cool as crap, and I'll totally admit that I'm jealous. However, while Dane's cool and all, I feel really bad for Marina. Every time he needs to go over to her house to borrow a cup of sugar, she must get overwhelmed from sensing the enormous douchebag energy approaching her doorstep. Then again, I guess that scenario would never happen. Dane is a very independent and self-determined individual, and he takes care of himself pretty well. If you suggested to him that he might be able to save that creme broulee if he just sought out some help from Marina, he would probably ignore it and try to fix the dessert himself.
I just had to put him on the list when he returned recently from his 78th leave of absence from Chiefs Planet. Not only is he one of the most successful posters, but he's also probably one of like, three people on here who have already won the game of life. And his big forum personality matches that quality about him, more than you can say for the guy who invented Dropbox, who rarely ever posts here, and BigRedChief, who probably loves relaxing at home to quality programming on CBS after a long day of kicking people in the balls at the United Nations.
Just be sure to get your snuggle time in while you can. Frosty the Snow Dane will eventually melt down again, but don't worry kids. He'll be back again some day.
11. Pestilence
Spoiler!
BREAKING: CALIFORNIA MAN ARRESTED FOR SENDING LEWD PICTURES OF HIS MEMBER TO INTERNET FORUM MEMBERS
A Northern California resident's acts of sexual harassment have come to an end after getting arrested Friday afternoon.
The man, who goes by the moniker "Pestilence" on the unofficial Kansas City Chiefs internet fan forum chiefsplanet.com was arrested at his workplace on Friday afternoon, caught in the act of sending another indecent picture of himself to one of the other participants on the forum.
Pestilence's attorney, also a Chiefs Planet member known as "Baby Lee," claimed to police that he doesn't see the problem, and that his client was only contributing to a continuously running gag on the forum since 2012.
"Look, I don't quite understand it, but they've got this character named Fisty McTatt, which is an altered image using photo-editing software that depicts my client's hand contorted into a bizarre-looking fist," said Lee to media sources just hours after the arrest. "This guy Sofa King put some eyes and a mustache on my client's fist, then fixed that face on top of the body of another Chiefs Planet member that features a poorly drawn chest tattoo of a KC Chiefs logo surrounded by phallic objects. That's the joke."
"My client thought it would be funny to create a new character as the kind of straight man to Fisty McTatt's Larry David from Curb Your Enthusiasm. Brilliant ****ing show, by the way. Anyway, the new character was Dicky McElephant, you see. And well... it was all supposed to be in good fun."
The edited picture in question (crop-censored above) shows Pestilence's pubic area. The hair is shaved, and in its place is a drawn picture of an elephant, with the defendant's genitalia serving as the elephant's trunk.
Lee claims that he and his client were misled by Chiefs Planet's management team: "I was busy watching my 4th hour of Seinfeld re-runs when 'Pesty' showed this to me. I thought it was really funny, but was unaware of Chiefs Planet's code of conduct. I private messaged Bob Dole, a moderator, asking his opinion, and when I received no response, I figured the image would be safe to distribute to all of the members."
The Dicky McElephant image has been altered by numerous other individuals. These images feature the character in a variety of familiar situations and photographs, including one particularly grotesque and vile alteration of Dorothea Lang's world-famous "Migrant Mother" photograph. In the new image, the elephant character stares down the mother, and a word bubble appears above the character that says, "I'm going in dry!"
Police were made aware of the sexual harassment issue associated with Dicky McElephant from one Kirstie Tynes, a self-proclaimed intellectual property ownership rights advocate. Reportedly, Pestilence had sent her the image on 34 separate occasions, with most of the images showing Tynes' modeling poses interacting sexually with Dicky.
When asked for comment, Tynes only had one word: "Sickening."
A continued investigation of the defendant's testimony will be conducted. Any accomplices, including the aforementioned Sofa King, will be sent in for questioning.
10. htismaqe
Spoiler!
Parker (because I'll be ****ed if I'm going to type out that combination of letters that looks like kcnut threw up on his keyboard every time I want to mention this turd by name) doesn't deserve to be up here at all, but for some bizarre reason I really like him, so he gets a top 10 spot. Because of seniority, or whatever.
He's just so ****ing busy! Great, Parker. You're busy, we get it. It's not like everybody else has all the ****ing time in the world. I've got a job, too. Shit, it's the last weeks of class and I have papers and finals to grade. I have research obligations. I could be doing that right now, but because I'm an adult I know how to balance home, work, and Planet life like a responsible individual. I don't just go own extended leaves of absence because "really busy at my job!"
His incredible service to the forum deserves applause in some respects. Former mod. Former CP mock draft participant. Veteran of some of Chiefs Planet's (and the Star forum's) most heated and contentious battles. We say "former" in all of these cases, though. Because why? Because he was busy!
At least he took an honest shot as Roastmaster. Think of all those roasts he had to go through. 101. Can you imagine?
He clearly couldn't. Know why? Because he quit like he always ****ing does. Sheesh, dude. PGM had more motivation to do his ****ing job than you did. I know the roasts aren't very juicy at the top (I know because I've ****ing been there) but that's what separates the divisional playoff loss Marty teams from the 7-9 sad stinky disappointments. And let me tell you, brother- Carlton Gray and Chester McGlockton are NOT going to put you over the top in this one.
Parker, I wanted you to come back. The door was always open. We could have been a team. We would have been unstoppable. But you are still really busy, or some shit. Fine. Whatever. I'm good with being the King of Roasts. Maybe when you're not busy and go on splurges of 500 posts per day for 2-month stretches you can have a nice long talk with Hootie about who has more willpower to finish complicated tasks. And at least Hootie has an excuse-- he got banned.
In the meantime, I AM busy, but I still got you your roast that you deserved. Oh, and when you see your boy Carl over the holidays and give him a big wet kiss, tell him to go **** himself from me.
9. Rausch
Spoiler!
Rausch and I are blood brothers. We both were smarter than everyone else when it came to Todd Collins, and we fought valiantly side-by-side for many years for him to get the respect he deserved. It was a tragedy that Todd couldn't stay longer in Kansas City, but we will always remember the wonderful times when he was here.
I was just a n00b at the time. This was long before I became a drafturbator or a QB-at-all-costs table pounder, and I was a lot happier and more naive. Donk scum was donk scum. Taco John and everybody like him was a hated enemy. And the Chiefs had just passed on drafting Joey Harrington. I said, "Well, at this point the Chiefs may as well hold an open competition between Todd Collins and Trent Green," given Green's initial struggles in his first year with the team.
Rausch backed me. He was also of a similar mindset. Michigan guy. He was cool and calm in the pocket. And as we later found out, he had a fantastic taste in liquor. That was our QB right there. Rausch and I spent a lot of time talking about Todd Collins for my first couple of years on the Planet.
"I like his appearance. It's strong and powerful- a perfect image for the future," Rausch would always say.
"Yeah, I agree, Brad, he looks like he takes great care of himself in the weight room," I would reply.
After that point we were inseparable. While you morons were spending all preseason pining for Jonathan Quinn and Joe Germaine, Rausch and I already knew who our backup hero was. And we were damn proud of it.
Another thing we're both damn proud of is our German heritage. I'm 75% German and 25% Danish, so I'm familiar with a lot of the midwestern stubborn German culture that prevails in this part of the country. Rausch is the exact same way. We spend a lot of time sharing our appreciation of German culture. When Rausch found out I was a musician, all he could talk about was Wagner, especially the end of the 3rd act of Meistersinger, when the townschorus unites and declares 1000 years of prosperity for our great German art.
He taught me this great drinking song that he sings with his buddies at his local beer hall. I only have a reading knowledge of German, but it wasn't too hard to learn. The tune was pretty catchy, anyway. He told me it's called the Horst Wes-... wait, I just thought of this hilarious Rausch story!
Okay, so it was a thread about the new Albert Einstein biography by Walter Isaacson that was a bestseller back in 2008. I asked Rausch if he was going to read it, and he said, "No way. Einstein belonged in a concentration camp." I thought that was kind of bogus to say considering that Einstein was a really smart person, but then I thought again and Rausch is probably right. Einstein was probably too smart for his own good and would be thinking about relativity and shit when all he really wanted was to find his reading glasses that were placed on top of his head the entire time. All the really smart people I know have that problem with concentration. That was a pretty unique and funny observation by Rausch that I won't forget.
Lately we've got this offensive line bet going that's kind of silly. I mean, it's a quibble over whether or not the Chiefs can allow fewer than the 4th most sacks of all NFL teams. Like... even if they do get under that number, who cares? They're still awful at protection, and Alex Smith is a bozo who takes way too many sacks. I was talking to Rausch earlier this offseason about Geoff Schwartz and how we could have really used him. I got a little confused, because Rausch was like, "Eh, screw him. We don't need him and his mongrel blood flaunting his decadence of culture in our locker room."
LOL, right? Just Rausch being Rausch man. The man's really picky about the talent on his offensive line. But he's a really good dude. Totally good dude. One of my best buds on this forum.
8. Bowser
Spoiler!
Bowser is a man.
Package handler by day. Package handler by night.
He's all about putting the bros over the hoes. Even his own wife and mother.
And if you can successfully remove his mouth from Bugeater's nutsack, he'll be the most loyal and friendly Chiefs forum friend you can possibly imagine. When his wife's not looking, that is.
Just like Rausch, I hear he's a fun drinking buddy, but he's a little hard to get ahold of. You might have to make an appointment with his house secretary to see if he's available to go out and play with you.
7. Simply Red
Spoiler!
Simply Red is a catty bitch. Only he could get away with giving people advice about fashion and appearance while typing all of his posts exclusively in Comic Sans.
Simply Red is "the weird phase I was going through" that all women talk about when they discuss their ex-husbands amongst each other.
Simply Red will smother you with love, but then show passive-aggressive tendencies when he's mad at you by hogging all the covers at night.
According to cdcox's prediction software, 76% of Chiefs Planet posters thought Simply Red was gay when he first started posting. NTTIAWWT.
Simply Red has seen Clay's penis.
To be fair, I don't think he had a choice in the matter.
Speaking of Clay, Simply Red is also the first poster to successfully make first contact with salame. Nobody had any ****ing clue what they were saying, but scholars believe it had something to do with drugs.
I already said Simply Red is a catty bitch, but I want to place the emphasis on catty. As in, he's rather cat-like. He'll totally pee on your shit if you don't pay enough attention to him.
Simply Red has two loves in this world: Melissa Joan Hart and Peter and the Wolf. Lucky for him, this shit exists:
Unlucky for Simply Red, that recording is evidence that Melissa Joan Hart is pretty terrible at narration.
Simply Red is the ****ing listmaker. Can we just all agree on that?
I probably would have been more disparaging in this toast, but I just seemed to be too nice today.
6. milkman
Spoiler!
Milkman Test of Intelligence
SECTION A- Team direction analysis proficiency
Directions: Select one of the choices for each given scenario
1. Your favorite football team is known for the past 10-15 years for its up-and-down rate of success from year to year and an unfortunate lack of postseason success. They have just fired their head coach. An old, well-respected head coach who has won a Super Bowl in the past two years is considering coming out of retirement to coach for your team. What is your reaction?
A) Excitement about the possibilities and expectations that the streak of mediocrity will end
B) A tempered reaction, but somewhat positive given the other coaching candidates available
C) Dismay, because this coach will not be good enough, or has demonstrated in the past that he is not good enough
D) Dismay, because your ideal candidate, the offensive coordinator from Tokyo Yukata, a team in the semi-professional Japanese Football League, was not hired
E) Anger, because **** you
F) Choices C and D
G) Choices C and E
H) Choices C, D, and E
2. You are the owner of a football team, and it's time to hire a new GM. You have conducted interviews with three candidates. No others interest you, or they are unavailable. Whom do you hire?
A) The guy from outside the system with about as outstanding of a resume that any one guy can have if he has never held the GM position before
B) The guy currently on the team with experience as a former GM, in which he orchestrated a draft trade-up costing his team an entire year's worth of draft picks, all so he could select a RB.
C) The guy you just fired, because you've never known anything different
D) You pull an Al Davis and make yourself the new GM
E) You give GM duties to the current head coach, whose intelligence and sanity is a bit questionable
F) B or **** you
G) D or F
H) None of the above
SECTION B- Player Evaluation Aptitude
Directions: Select multiple choices as asked
3. Given the following available players, select 5 to form the best possible starting offensive line.
a. Larry Bitchardson- A 2nd-year 6th round T/G tweener without much experience in college, but he has great hip movement and seems nice
b. Jade Stith- A veteran C/G tweener with starting experience. Undrafted out of college
c. Sydney Fartapples- A 6th year swing LT/RT with some starting experience. Cheap because nobody else seems to want him
d. Danny Duodenum- Available via trade of a 5th round pick, has little starting experience, but is multi-faceted. Can play any line position, since nobody can seem to figure out what he's good at
e. Albert Denbren- Last year's 1st round pick at LT. Played guard in college, but has the size and maneuverability that you, personally, look for in a LT
f. Seamus McHaggis- Waiver wire pickup option. Veteran RT with some, but not much starting experience. You recall hearing his name called at some point when you watched Sunday Night Football three years ago
g. Dikembe Mu'aclikicliki- Swing guard, acquired last year in a player-for-player trade. Is worthless
h. Lane Dickcloud- Undrafted rookie free agent. Hit somebody really hard in training camp. Played for the NAIA Jizzonme State University, so is quite experienced, but raw in all the right ways. Reaper16 of Chiefs Planet likes him.
i. Lester Spears- Your starting RG for the past 17 years. Has never won shit. Doesn't seem to mind or complain much about it. Can tell you about the time he got to longsnap for Jan Stanerud.
j. Michael Flopmod- A 400 lb man who tried out for the team two weeks ago. Has a great locker room personality.
k. A random undrafted free agent. You'll take your chances (may choose more than once)
l. You'll pay out the ass for an expensive aging player from another team (may chose more than once)
4. Select the three most important qualities from the choices provided in your ideal starting QB
a. 6'2" or taller
b. Can run multiple systems
c. Is bald
d. Throws for around 3500 yards per season
e. Is considered to be in the top 3 greatest QBs of all time in spite of having only won one Super Bowl
f. Has a Jay Cutler arm
g. Has never and will never play a single game without an elite defense because the sun just shines out of his ass
SECTION C
Directions: Answer the question below
5. Are you Milkman? (Y or N)
============================================= SCORING
Total your score from Section A with the following point values:
1. A) -5 B) 0 C) +2 D) +10 E) +5 F) +12 G) -3 H) -25
2. A) 0 B) +3000 C) -3000 D) +2 E) -2999 F) +10 G) +3 H) 0
Total your score from Section B
3. If you chose b), e), h), i), or k) score +5 points for each player selected
If you chose a), score +5000 points
If you chose c) or d), score 0 points
If you chose f) or g), subtract 3 points for each selection
If you chose j), you are deserving of a name change on your online football forum of choice
If you chose l) one or more times, then kill yourself
4. If you chose a), b), c), d), f), or g), score +5 points for each selection
If you chose e), subtract 500 points
Section A and B subtotal: _______
If you answered "Yes" in Section C, multiply your subtotal by 0
If you answered "No" in Section C, subtract 10,000 from your subtotal
========================================== RESULTS
-1 or fewer points = You are a dumbass
0 or more points = You are an asshole
5. Mr. Flopnuts
Spoiler!
"The People's Mod is the People's Noose"
By BlackBob
I am a concerned citizen of Chiefs Planet, and wish to speak to you today about a problem not many of you realize is tearing apart the fabric of your precious forum. I'm speaking about Mr. Flopnuts, also known to many of you as "the People's Mod."
Understand that I have not been here long, but because I'm just as bad as Mav in terms of acting like I was around for all these important events before I ever joined CP, I have done my research. I have concluded that Mr. Flopnuts, while loyal to his friends, is using his Supermoderator powers as a member of the Drafturbators to institute a totalitarian groupthink society, with him in charge.
Mr. Flopnuts is a wolf in sheep's clothing. He lies about his actions and modding record, and convinces everybody that the lies he spreads are the truth. He makes you happy that he is poaching off your species little by little because he's doing population and conservation control measures. Here's how things got to be this way.
November 14, 2010: Mr. Flopnuts tells a Raiders troll who wants to gloat after a Chiefs loss, "I hope your children are sodomized by a 400 lb man." Flopnuts receives an infraction and a temp ban. He reaches out to Penn Jillette on Facebook asking if he knows the reason why. It's revealed in a thread that morphius, doing his job under heavy pressure, made a quick-thinking judgment call, since Flopnuts' hoodie and bag of skittles seemed threatening. This creates a lens for the public to view and criticize. Flopnuts is released, acts cordial and nice about it, but morphius continues to get lambasted as a victim of his sociopathic lust for power.
Approximately five months later, a public election is held for new additions to the modding staff. Mr. Flopnuts wins overwhelming support after an organized campaign of baby-kissing and sucking up to other members at Chiefs events. Democratically elected, he immediately announces a conservative moderating administration, preferring to let the invisible hand of the market rape whatever trolls are behaving out of line: "Happy to be here. Happy to serve. I'm pretty much just here to clear out graphic porn pics, spam, and the like. Trolls? Well, I'd rather **** with them than ban them, so we'll take that one step at a time." http://chiefsplanet.com/BB/showpost....1&postcount=51
Believing he can further win favoritism through bread and circuses, he takes a radical pro-tags position, advocating for their traditional return on draft day and beyond. Instantly he is as beloved as DaFace as a mod.
Behind the scenes, Mr. Flopnuts reverts into his real personality. Some sources have told me that Mr. Flopnuts is the kind of person that gets excited about a Drafturbator Fantasy Football Auction League, gets wasted, and then at the beginning of the auction drives up the price of Adrian Peterson just to be a huge asshole. He spends half his money on one player, realizes he's screwed, and then lets the machine autobid for the rest of his players.
He does a good job keeping the streets clean, but then proposes a massive cleanup of the DC Forum by cracking down on the racist comments. I'm not a racist, but I would extend the same rights of somebody to be critical of a group of people as long as they protected by right to think reeruned things about the best players on the Chiefs who are the only ones who legitimately try to win every week. That is a huge concern. Mr. Flopnuts oversteps his bounds constantly. He's a tyrant. He disguises his beatings that he delivers to his children as fun and games.
And how does he justify this? By going back to his protective inner circle cock ring of friends to justify his vote, always maintaining a courteous and respectful tone that makes everybody's vagina tingle with delight. http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showt...282036&page=22
Because of people like him, a witch hunt forum culture has developed that seeks to persecute free-thinking individuals. I was a victim of the MOB attacks in 2013. Consider for a moment that "MOB" is only one letter away from "Mod." Go back and watch the tape of this thread if you don't believe me.
I'm not beyond using self-deprecating humor and intellectual humility to sway people to my opinions. It just never works for me because I'm really ****ing annoying. That's fine. But when you're a snake in the grass, you can whisper whatever venom you wish into the true people's ear and have them believe that their freedom and sovereignty are not being threatened by the rise of an oligarchical tyranny under Der Flöprer.
Stand with me alongside the other n00bs who find this place sickening and leave forever after 48 hours! Together we can create a Chiefs Planet where utter dumb****s and lunatics aren't insulted for spewing vile garbage everywhere!
4. SNR
Spoiler!
SNR is everything wrong with internet culture. Don't believe me, just look at this board. Here on this manly football board where alpha dog mentality reigns supreme perhaps more than on any other board besides the musclehead alphapillowbiters board, our top 5 consists of a 400lb fat ass, a guy who uses dog shit as retaliation against females, and 3 Star Trek geeks. Wow. And if Rainman isn't a Star Trek geek, well who gives a shit? He owns a company that does surveys for a living, and his manliness piques at removing advertising from his neighborhood light poles, and is the master of polls here on Chiefsplanet. That's a lot poles/polls for an alpha dog.
Back to SNR. He's a pianist. Say that fast enough, and yeah, you know. This is a guy that in all of his alpha dog mentality decided to pursue a doctorate in music. And what did he do with it? He became a music teacher. You know, those who can, do, and those who can't? Teach. I'd be pissed too. Don't get me wrong. He's made a couple of albums on classical music that he's so proud of, he promised to send me a CD for months and never delivered. Much like his album I'd guess. Makes me think it must be like Amazon authors. Write a book, sell no copies on Amazon, but hey! You're still an author! That means SNR is a musician damnit!
The guy has been here for 12 years. That's a dozen for you laymen. SNR's words, not mine. He's kind of a supremist douche. As a drafturbator, you know the type. He self annointed himself as a candidate for the GM job when Carl was let go, http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=199759
You're the only person in the room that doesn't know he's better, and smarter than you. The dude is such an elitist douche that he thought you needed to know that John Goodman wasn't really dead. http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=230781
Between his narrcisstic better than you mentality, and his clear schematic advantage at composing music, everyone knows what a huge Star Trek nerd he is. Totally manly, right? Let's play a game. Let's play the who started this thread game. "What's your favorite Star Trek episode". Clay, right? Jesus ****, it HAD to be Clay right? http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=242807
Alpha dog to the core. Can anyone else see SNR sleeping with a Wesley Crusher doll until he was 16, and still having it in his closet today? Because I totally can.
Finally, and most shockingly, who brought rape culture to Chiefsplanet? SNR did. Do you really think it was because he thought rape was funny? I don't. I think it's far more sinister than that. Back in 2011 SNR talked about his impending move to Madison, WI. http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=232949
Being the alpha dog that he is, he discussed being unhappy in his current job, and his wife having landed a job there and being totally happy with him playing daddy for a kid not yet born. Now, I know what you're thinking. SNR is married?!?!? I thought it too. He NEVER talks about his wife. But there's further proof this isn't made up. http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=246421
She was mentioned here as well. That was it though. Never again. My conclusion is that she left him for a man. Not another man, just a man. She realized she ****ed up right? And what happened from there? Well, that's where this all starts turning upside down. SNR soon created this thread about his colleague hooking up with a student. http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=261004
And then, it became full on rape, rape, rape, rape, rape, rape, rape. Seek help SNR. You can control your urges. I know it's frustrating having your wife leave you for a man, and I can only imagine the personal hell of having your mother being more manly than you. You're not alone buddy. Actually, yeah. Yeah, you are. Seek help anyway. Everyone has always asked what SNR stands for. Clearly it stands for Secretly Nearing Raper status. We all should've saw the signs. We've all let SNR down.
3. 'Hamas' Jenkins
Spoiler!
I apologize in advance. This is going to be another non-roast, but since my Talking Can one went over fairly well, I'm going to do it for Hamas as well. If you don't like it, I invite you to voluntarily ban yourself for a year.
Do you know what makes me smile the most about this place? When you get a new member who's been a Chiefs fan for years, and he gets really super excited that he found such an active and fun forum for Chiefs talk. He eagerly starts gabbing away various platitudes about supporting Alex (or Cassel if you're going back several years) and how the Sea of Red is the best fan experience in the NFL. The guy seems nice, and he thinks everybody on here is just as supportive, because we're all Chiefs fans. But he's not met with supportive or polite discourse. He gets inane comments about his mother and family, suggestions of ways he could kill himself, and nothing but shame and vitriol for his small-minded thinking. The new member says something like, "This forum is a hell hole. What the hell is wrong with you guys?" and is never heard from again.
That is perhaps my favorite part of Chiefs Planet. That notorious reputation among the other Chiefs fan sites is what makes this place so great. It's the toughest saloon this side of Mitch Holthus' disgusting mole on his face.
We have people like Hamas to thank for that. Sure, we've had trolls and dumbasses like Mecca doing that shit for years, but Hamas is much different. I think more than any other member, he has demanded a higher level of posting excellence from this community. And he didn't just do it by storming in and shoving his opinion down everybody's throats as soon as he got here. He didn't act smarter than he really is; he posts intelligent things because he IS that smart. He led by example in showing us what the discourse on this forum was capable of being.
On the internet (and in life for that matter) everybody tends to not listen to new ideas. It could make total sense to them, but if it's not explained in such a way that will soothe a person's ego and convince them that this new idea was something individually researched or realized through intuition, that person probably isn't going to change his or her mind. Very rarely does a person come around that can pull off change in a person's mindset. Especially on the internet, where the absence of pathos can really limit the tools of rhetoric.
Hamas was unique. He would treat you with respect, but he simply wouldn't tolerate stupidity. And it was everywhere. People liked Tyler ****ing Thigpen, for crying out loud. Telling people to go kill themselves was an unconventional way of winning people over to your view of the situation, but when you're as organized and precise of a thinker as Hamas is, the combination of reasoned discourse and offensive insult was quite a lethal 1-2 punch.
There are a handful of brilliant Hamasisms that I've picked up over the years and reframed to fit real conversations. I've been using a lot of metaphor and satire in these roasts, and I've definitely gotten better at it, but I've only been digging them out because I've seen the elegance and grace that can result from their proper and effective use. For instance, when he wrote something like, "Hester Pioli should be forced to wear Cassel's $60 million contract as a scarlet ****ing letter," that opened a new world for me. My Phobia roast would not be here if Hamas had not dared to mix literature with football operations.
The Gang of 14 treatise should be required reading in all Kansas City public schools. Just imagine. The Chiefs Kingdom would be far more representational of CP's attitudes. Mitch Holthus would stop talking about Alex Smith's toughness when he struggles in a game and instead would make a plea for somebody to pour antifreeze into Smith's Gatorade bottle. The next time the Chiefs have the #1 overall pick and draft a MAC conference OT, the NFL Network wouldn't see a room full of cheering drunk assholes. They would see a bunch of signs telling them to go hang themselves from an AIDS tree.
That's why Hamas is #3.
2. Rain Man
Spoiler!
I’ll wait for everybody to finish having their periods over the fact that Rain Man is not #1. Take your time. Do what you gotta do.
…
We good?
Okay. We’re not here to quibble about rankings. We’re here to celebrate the illustrious career of Rain Man and another fantastic year of posts full of wit, humor, polls, and fun with randomizers. #2 is a phenomenal ranking that any mother with a son whose children are a bunch of cats should be proud of.
So as a tribute, I’m going to do for Rain Man what he’s done for us all these years. I’ve programmed a few scenarios where my computer will randomly generate some matches for the names I input. Due to time, I’m only selecting 4 participants from a specific list of snubs in every scenario, but Rain Man will be present in all of them. I assure you all that the simulations are totally randomized through my computer. If you don’t like what you got, there’s not much I can do for you.
I thought I’d start off with one of Rain Man’s favorite topics: geography.
Which non-US city should you move to?
1. stevieray- Hope you like tea and flowers. You’ll get a lot of that stuff in Souzhou, China
2. KcMizzou- At least you won’t have to learn a new language. Well, sort of. Enjoy your new life in Perth, Australia
3. TribalElder- You’re not a Nazi, are you? If so, you’ll have plenty of friends in Buenos Aires, Argentina.
4. Rain Man- It just takes awhile to get used to. Have fun in Mogadishu, Somalia
Okay, so for the next one, I can’t be as story-driven or organized as Rain Man had envisioned these turning out, but there’s no reason why I can’t make it dull and unexciting. In this scenario, I’m reviving the B-29 bomber simulator.
How does your bombing mission go?
1. Dartgod- You’re the co-pilot. Your aircraft encounters turbulence and heavy fire, but your succeed in your run. Congratulations. Go have an ale.
2. loochy- You’re the bombardier. Your mission could not have gone any better. Your bombs hit exactly on the targets, and your plane didn’t get so much as a scratch. Well done!
3. Amnorix- You just sort of came along for the ride. Nobody really knows why you’re here, but you manage to not only survive the bombing run, but also not get in the way of everybody else. Good work!
4. Rain Man- You’re the pilot. You're doing a good job keeping your bomber out of trouble when the German planes start attacking, but you quickly realize that you’re flying too high, and none of your targets are hitting. You attempt a daring dive through a dense cloud of projectile shrapnel and sustain heavy damage to the engines. Your co-pilot Black Bob gets a large phallic-shaped piece of glass speared through his mouth and down his throat. He coughs blood everywhere and finally chokes to death. Your crew in the bomber is doing the best they can, but you can sense that they are also taking time and energy to actively hate you for being such a moron. As you sit there feeling sorry for yourself, you’re not watching what you’re doing and a German fighter slams into the side of the plane. Your crew is now dead, and you only have moments to grab your parachute under the seat and jump out of the spiraling wreckage. You miraculously land safely in an enemy camp. The commanding officer stationed there is an enormous psychotic pervert, and he rapes you to death over the next 5 days. Better luck next time.
If Chiefs Planet members were trees, what kind of tree would they be?
1. Gonzo- North American Larch
2. listopencil- Russian Olive Tree
3. Sully- Black Hills Spruce
4. Rain Man- Deciduous AIDS Tree with Dutch Elm Disease rooted in the middle of Ferguson, MO
If Chiefs Planet members were Star Trek characters, who would they be?
1. KC Native- T’Pol from Star Trek: Enterprise
2. Pablo- Talleyrand from Star Trek: Original Series
3. Saulbadguy- Kurn from Star Trek: The Next Generation and Deep Space Nine
4. Rain Man- Well, Rick Berman got drunk one night and tried to write a Voyager script where they encounter a dimensional rift and out pops Jar Jar Binks from the shitty Star Wars movies. You’re Jar Jar Binks. You die horribly (but with plenty of slapstick!) at the end of the episode when you run a WWII B-29 bomber simulation and Seven of Nine turns the safety protocols off.
What should be your next meal?
1. Sofa King- Chicken Kiev
2. morphius- BLT on toasted rye bread
3. Bwana- Teriyaki-marinated skirt steak salad
4. Rain Man- A bowl of antifreeze with a goddamn turd in it you ****ing asshole. You arrogant piece of shit for ****’s sake how many of these goddamn random scenarios have you run through on the planet over the years? Dozens at least, I’m sure. I’ve participated in most of them for sure. Let’s say you’ve done 20 of them. I know most recently you assigned us U.S. counties to live in and you gave me the poorest ****ing piece of shit in Alabama. Also, YOU ****ING SET ME ON ****ING FIRE DURING THE B-29 SIMULATIONS! I don’t want to ****ing hear about the software you use or how it was generated, okay? You can’t ****ing tell me that a goddamn computer came up with me dying in a mother****ing fire just randomly, and then through luck of the goddamned draw I’m a 60 year-old prostitute with leprosy living in a hut made out of used dildos in the bad part of town in Scumsuck, Alabama! And I know I can’t be the only person you’ve ****ed over like this through these fun little years whenever you’re feeling playful. I’m going to ask my computer right now if I ever meet you in person what I should do upon the initial greeting—say hello or punch you in the goddamn throat. Tell you what, I’ll let it be a surprise when that time comes, asshole. I hope the janitor takes a dump on your ****ing desk in your corner office some time in the next week.
Here ya go. A mod should be able to easily copy and paste this into the OP. I wasn't sure what to do with Direckshun's roast of SNR, so I threw it in in the sequence it appeared.
-----
33. Guru
Spoiler!
Born Joshua Ezra Weinstein in 1971 to parents who were both accountants, he's always had an interest and passion for saving money. Car, house, you name it. He even realized that under his former username, "KCChiefsguru," he was losing a entire thousandths of a cent per year on the added energy costs that it took his computer to input "KCChiefs" every time he signed in to Chiefs Planet. So he shortened it to just "Guru." There's more, too! Once when he was in college, he saved some pocket change by just borrowing another dude's gym shorts so he didn't have to do a separate load of laundry to prevent a stench in his dorm room.
This turned in a new obsession for Guru: using other people's old gym shorts. At first he just did it to feel special in unique, but as he began collecting, he enjoyed the array of styles and amount of wear that each pair could present. Hobby turned fetish.
He now combines his passions: money and used gym shorts. With the help of his (business) partner Bugeater, Guru operates a small internet business selling used gym shorts to people. It's a dream come true for him-- he not only gets to make money, but he also gets to sample before the merchandise goes to the customers.
He's a nice guy. Just don't ever ask to borrow money unless you're fine with a higher-than-average interest rate.
One puzzling thing, however, is why he always seems to keep his distance from Rausch. It's like he's distrustful or fearful for some reason. I have no clue what that could be about.
32. PGM
Spoiler!
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF PGM
05:30- I woke up. Went to the bathroom. Urine was an odd shade of purple. Need to make a mental note to call the urologist after I update the OP of the roast thread on Chiefs Planet
06:30- Breakfast! Ate the rest of the leftover bologna and cheese sandwiches from dinner last night. Had some time to dust the clear plastic cases containing my pro wrestling action figure collection before work. Didn't update the OP.
07:15- Left for work. Camaro looked positively radiant this morning in the garage.
07:45- Arrived at work. Heard a co-worker in the hall talk about Kansas basketball. Addressed the situation by reminding co-worker that he is a "beaker." Walked back to my desk with a triumphant look on my face. That showed him!
08:05- Logged onto Chiefs Planet. Checked out the new posts from last night about food smokers. Laughed at a fart joke posted by bevischief. Didn't update the OP.
08:30- Got a PM from the list maker of some new names to send to SNR. Sent them along, but didn't write them accurately, leaving SNR to frustratingly have to look up each name on the member list to get the correct numbers after the name as well as making sure that some names with spaces didn't have underscores. Continued to browse Chiefs Planet on company time, blissfully unaware of the huge waste of time it is for SNR to have to look all those names up just so he can write a goddamn roast about them. Didn't update the OP.
08:42- Had an overwhelming feeling that I'm more important than I actually am to this Top 101 Poster thread. I'm totally clueless and don't really realize that I'm actually ****ing worthless to this project. If I actually thought about it, I would reflect and discover that my one role in the production of these roasts is to serve as a middleman that makes getting the new names from the list maker more inefficient than it really should be. It could be incredibly easy to just hook SNR up with the ****ing listmaker, badda bing badda boom, let the good times roll. Nope, I've got a ****ing job to do. It's very important! And I'm only talking about the job that I actually take seriously... my one ****ing job that has VALUE to the thread and to this project... just ONE ****ing job... is to take a roast that SNR or another roaster puts out and paste it into the OP of the thread. That's it. That's ****ing it. I'm on the goddamn ball whenever writes a roast. I'm there to advertise the new roasts and leave comments to get people talking about them. Wouldn't it be ****ing easy at that point, where after I've read the roast, to just edit the OP and copy and paste it right ****ing there just MOMENTS after the roast is published? I wouldn't have to bitch like Phobia on one of his "Modding's harder than you think!" periods. "I have to look back pages and pages to find all these roasts?! I have a life, you know!" Guess what? SO DOES ****ING SNR! GOD, SHUDDER TO THINK HOW LONG IT TAKES HIM TO NOT ONLY COME UP WITH SOME OF THIS SHIT BUT ALSO TYPE IT OUT IN A WAY THAT IS NOT ONLY COHERENT BUT ALSO LOGICALLY FUNNY! He's a lucky son of a bitch. He doesn't have to update the OP like I do. I'm a ****ing Chiefs Planet hero is what I am. I'm doing this solely for the entertainment of hundreds of loyal Chiefs fans who just want a distraction to all the pain and misery that Kansas City sports has caused them over the years. When I feel like it, I will give them a clean and updated OP! The sun must shine out my ****ing ass! I'm not going to approach this insanely simple task efficiently and promptly, I'm going to make a big fat ****ing deal out of updating a simple ****ing OP of a goddamn thread to make people think I'm important! I'm PGM! I started this thread and made it impossible for SNR to just edit the ****ing OP himself! I even ****ed him over just by joining this ****ing place as PGM and ripping off the 3-letter username that he had championed for YEARS before I ****ing knew what Chiefs Planet even was! YOU LUCKY BASTARDS DON'T KNOW HOW GOOD I HAVE IT OR THE BURDEN THAT I BEAR BRINGING YOU THIS KIND OF QUALITY ****ING ENTERTAINMENT! ... Went back to work, didn't update the OP.
16:40- Almost time to clock out, so I checked up on Chiefs Planet once more before I hit the road. Somebody called Clay a virgin, and it was so funny that I blew hot coffee out my nose. Monitor's kind of dirty, but I'll just hope the janitor cleans the computer monitors. Didn't update the OP.
17:25- While stuck in traffic, I thought of different themes that everybody could change their names to that would be hilarious. We already did wrestlemania. That was probably the coolest moment of my life. The meatball thing is kind of funny, but it's not as popular. Hmm... blue collar comedy tour? Crazycoffey always kind of reminded me of Jeff Foxworthy. I think this has potential to add burst! Thought about updating OP when I got home
19:00- After dinner, watched quality television programming on CBS, America's most watched network!
21:45- Went to bed. My last thought before drifting asleep was that I forgot to update the OP. Oh well. Had a pleasant dream that Knowmo wasn't a ****tarded bitch and a terrible human being who rapes dogs. In my dream he actually did what he said he would do and stayed away from Chiefs Planet the entire year, sweetening even more the single good thing I have brought to Chiefs Planet in almost 10 years of posting.
31. MOhillbilly
Spoiler!
This is a tricky one. I can't make fun of his career, since htismaqe already did that with Hog Farmer. You can also only make so many sheep sex jokes over the course of 101 roasts. And he doesn't swing by here as often as he should anymore, unfortunately.
That's why I'm calling in the big guns for this one.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a special guest for the roast of MOhillbilly. We all know him, and he's a cherished and dear friend of MOhillbilly's. Please welcome... REDRUM!
MOhillbilly's mother is like this thread. The same lonely dudes visit her every night, have a good time, and then forget about her when they go to work the next morning.
She's also a lot like rico. She surrounds herself with strange men from the internet, bitches when they don't please her, and takes a pill every morning to help her with her job.
Come to think of it, I think MOMhillbilly has a lot in common with Mr_Tomahawk. She gets 7-year old Malaysian children to make her happy, has a thing for tall southerners, and people think she looks like John C. Reilly.
MOhillbilly's mom should really get a Chiefs Planet account. She'd fit right in here, because she also needs to lose weight, loves spanking, and wants everybody to try her open-faced tuna sandwich.
30. Sorter
Spoiler!
FOAR EVERYWUN FRUM SORTER
OK hai. My name is Soooorter and um it's been a while since I made a new post. So I decided that because of recent events that I could say hi, k?. And um so yeah so let's just start off by getting a couple things straight.
I don't do furries... mm mmh! No, I know that Direckshun thinks that I do furries, but I don't, actually. That's just Direckshun being bad at roasting people. And I actually don't like My Little Pony either, ahh hehehe, which is funny to me. Ummmm yeah. And then another one would be ummm. I provided you with a couple posts. Ummmm ahh such as like, like the one where I'm like mmm and it says, "Mon ami!" which is weird because I don't actually speak French. And like and and then like you peoples were all like, "YOU IS TROLLIN!" and I was like "I AM NOT TROLLING!! I AM SORTER YOU SEE! Mm!"
And then there was the one where I held up a sign and it said "Sorter plus Loki equals LOOOVE," and that's true, it's a very true statement, I love him. He's mischievous and either gay or British, but I can't really tell. And umm and then uhh bup bup buhbuh, OH there was another one that um, that I actually didn't possst... but umm... it's out there... cuz uh some of you guys found the MOB, and I'm all like crafty. And uhm and it's one where I like where I'm like "ihh" and it says several different things such as like I love Mike Glennon, and stuff and umm it actually never said that, it said I love Geno Smith, which is one of my old draft takes, uhh oh, but by the way, I'm not really that much of a Geno guy anymore, I moved on to bigger and better things, such as umm, things that I mentioned in another post that made me not stop by CP as much anymore, hah!
Umm... Ahh, Black Bob! The Chiefs run a 3-4 defense, and that's their only defense, with three down linemen and other subsets where certain guys come in and out, drop back, or stay on the line and blitz, umm and like the 3-3-5??? That's a not a real defense! WE DON'T RUN IT! I can't believe Black Bob believes that! Who actually thinks about coverage concepts like that?! Not ME!
Umm... and, so, yeah, and um, let's see here. And then, um, um I was in a thread and uh this guy was like, "Sorter, I think ocelots are cool, like in Archer." And I was like, "I love that show!" Because I do! Have you ever seen that show? It's like AMAZING, and like um, and so then um I uh I just wanted to say to that guy who likes ocelots I love you, and I want to hold your hand. And also um, uh, Hootie, I guess, I don't even know who you are, exactly. Uhbububuuhh, my ocelot thread is still there if you want to check it out.
But umm, let's see here ahh, soo, I had a lot of replies from like my posts. Or, not a lot a guess, that's a little... much I guess. And um, uh, mmm, I dunno. What else is there to say. Milkman... yeah Milkman the guy who sat for like six hours straight addressing my thoughts on the offensive line in Andy Reid's offense? Uh, thank you, I suppose. Um, but uh yeah, this, I don't think I should answer, it would ruin the mystique, you guys? Umm, and then um, bububuh, I dunno, really, huh. I haven't posted all that much lately, because it's a really big pain the butt to search for all those gifs and put them in my own database. And I'm like urr hurr, and um and now I'm just like good with not posting the same argument over and over so I'm good. And um yeah and so I love you guys, a lot. I really like, rawrawrawr status, like seriously like rawr like ocelots rawr and um I think that's about it. Byeee.
29. Direckshun
Spoiler!
Welcome to the LNBS Lounge, where tonight Direckshun is the guest of honor.
These threads usually go one of two ways depending on the topic. If it's a football thread, Direckshun will lay out a detailed and well-considered blueprint or opinion that begins with something reasonable like, "The Chiefs need to get better secondary help" and will devolve into crazy bullshit such as, "Kurt Coleman is going to be the key to a successful playoff run at the playoffs." If it's a non-football topic, he'll project his real life cosplay interests into the discussion parameters. For example, he'll pretend to be a bartender who listens to your problems. Or he'll be the engineer of a magical train that will take you back to any moment in your life that you'd most like to re-live.
Tonight we're not doing either of those things. We're going to skip his stupid folksy-nouveau way of conversing, where you call a random stranger "my brother" or say "swing and a miss" when people say something that doesn't line up.
Tonight we're going to rape Direckshun. He seems like a nice person, but he frustrates us all in so many special and varied ways. I'd like us to share those Direckshun moments with each other, whatever they may be.
Since I'm supposed to be roasting him, I'll go first. Feel free to share as much or as little as you want.
1. Direckshun talks like a ****ing weirdo
Usually shows up as a symptom when involved in a political conversation with a surly opponent. He talks to the guy like he's a character from a Homestar Runner cartoon who is physically in the same room as the person he's talking to. "Pete. Pete. Listen to me. Stop saying words." He's also awful at insults, even just as playful jabs. I think he once said, "SNR eats whale dung." That's weird.
2. Direckshun never fights back
Direckshun is great for this forum in many ways because he generates content and conversation, especially in football matters. He's like a bad-tasting oral laxative when CP is having trouble passing football topics onto the front page. But he's got his share of dumb ideas, and he has plenty of people like Clay who will mercilessly tear into him even when it's not warranted. Milkman calls him a dumbass. How does Direckshun respond? "Hoho, you're probably right. I CAN get carried away with my mocks, can't I? I'll take your advise and shut the **** up next time!" He won't defend his idea politely or even leave a nice little "Blow me."
3. From the tone of his posts, you can tell that he's a stupid hipster
I've never read a Direckshun post where I couldn't smell the PBR stench in the wifi that transmitted it to my computer screen. Every time he writes something, it's got that shitty subtley ironic tone. The dolphin wearing a helmet thread? I actually like that thread. I love comedic false outrage threads. But when Direckshun does it, he somehow makes it... trendy. I could see him and his shitty beard (come on, you just KNOW he ****ing has one) trying to start some Rob Schneider catch phrase around the office or wherever the **** he works. "Because we're the Chiefs." It's even worse now because he's got all of YOU ****ing saying it. Now whenever he posts some awful shitty prediction, as long as it's glass-half-empty, he can say "Because we're the Chiefs" to justify it, and everybody will go along with it.
That's all I got for now. When I think of more, I'll post them and update this OP, because that's something easy and quick that I can do for any person who might enjoy this thread.
(28?). SNR
Spoiler!
I need you to listen up, my friend. And I need you to listen up good.
Take a moment to put down your World's Greatest Music Teacher coffee mug. For once in your life, stop teaching some wayward, impressionable youth that singing falsetto isn't gay, and pay attention to me.
You are a pawn.
This whole time, you thought you were the one in control. You thought that because you happened to be driving the entirety of the creative momentum in this thread, that you mattered in the grand scheme of things. That your efforts somehow elevated your standing among Those In Power.
You were wrong, mother****er. You were ****ing wrong.
It turns out, in a M. Night Shamylanian twist, that you were being used like a two dollar whore this whole time. PGM personally sought to it that every crevice of your creative id was penetrated for our pure pleasure. We were never laughing with you, asshole. We were laughing at you.
Doesn't that just encapsulate your life, now that you think about it? All this time, pouring immense amounts of hard work for no discernible gain, and doing it because you thought we would all enjoy it? Could you be that big of a fool?
Possibly. I wouldn't put it past a guy with a Terrance Copper fetish. Hell, I'm sure PGM was pulling those strings too, somehow. Because he's just that good. And you're just that much of a tool.
You're starting to realize it, aren't you. Do you feel used?
Do you feel like PGM has attached invisible strings to your elbows and fingertips, manipulating you like a marionette? Well you're not wrong, but you're still far from the truth. You are, in fact, a pawn of PGM's ingenius manipulation, but because it's PGM, he is actually controlling you in the gayest way possible: his arm is buried up your ass to the elbow, and he is making you say his dirty words while he drinks a glass of water. Everybody applauds, and you get to go back in the toybox thinking you're a real boy.
I sincerely hope this isn't ****ing with your head too bad. Try sticking a thumbtack in your neck to assure yourself that you can still feel. Just don't use anything larger or greater, because this country's healthcare system is ****ing ****ed up.
Who the hell tries to turn a NECESSARY system of care that you NEED to SURVIVE into a free market boondoggle? All we end up doing is PAYING for services WE HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO REQUIRE FOR OUR CONTINUED EXISTENCE.
For instance, let's just say something is having a ****ing baby. Congratulations asshole, now you have to pay $900 before the baby is born, and then likely have another $1000 pay for the hospital stay afterwards. Why? Because you got pregnant. Forget that it's actually a NECESSARY SERVICE FOR THE CONTINUED EXISTENCE OF THE HUMAN RACE. IT COSTS THOUSANDS, SO PAY THE **** UP.
This is why we should just do single payer. Single payer would give poor people better treatment, and save everybody else money -- except of course for the fortunate wealthy, who will STILL continue to have a higher quality of life but are going to be thuper therial that they can't bid on an antique umbrella holder at that auction next week.
Goddamn it. Just god ****ing damn it. I ****ing told rico this would ****ing happen.
**** it. Just ****ing **** it.
28. Bearcat
Spoiler!
You know who's a really cool guy?
Slayer Diabolo. You remember that guy? I sure ****ing remember that guy.
For those who need a reminder, I was trying to track down the original picture that floated around years and years ago of his creepy virgin grin, pointed nose, and forming widow's peak at the tender age of 15. All I got through Google was this photoshop from a previous thread, which will have to do.
I always felt bad that we gave him so much shit just for being a teenager, as if none of us were ever moody douchebaggy Holden Caulfields at any point in our teenage years. Slayer certainly was a rebel without a cause... only without the cool car and the ladies. We seemed to have this obsession with making his forum life miserable, which is disappointing because I think we were only doing it to make up for all the douchebaggery we brought into the world when we were his age.
But I think a positive to take away from all of this is that Slayer nevertheless kept his cool through all the ribbings. He wanted to be a doctor or something like that? I have no doubt if that's what he really wanted to do after his high school career finished, he probably made it happen. Smart guy. Well, smarter than about 60% of the people who post here, anyway.
Anybody know if he has any family? A brother or something like that? He seemed like a loved individual and probably had a great older brother to get him as far as he did in life while he was presiding over his proud post as a Chiefs Planet star.
To Slayer Diabolo!
27. BigRedChief
Spoiler!
BigRedChief seems nice. Actually from Planeteer reports he IS nice.
That's why it always seemed bizarre as shit that THIS guy was the ****ing secret agent.
Stranger things have happened, sure. Baby Lee is a lawyer who watches TV all day. I'm an organist. Discuss Thrower is a super-intelligent hobo with no job. But we're supposed to believe that BigRedChief is actually the asshole who gets to say, "If I told you what my job was, I'd have to kill you"?!
The dude who probably says shit like "hunky-dory" and hangs out with people like gblowfish has a top secret government job? The dude with the ****ing cooler fetish is an actual ****ing James Bond? The guy who grows his popularity on the internet by running "The Academy" has enough power and influence among world leaders to make Dane cream his pants in fear?!
Hey, the Royals are winning playoff games these days. Anything is fair game, I suppose. Maybe he's more Johnny English than he is James Bond. That's gotta be it.
26. Phobia
Spoiler!
One night on the KC Star Farm the animals grew restless and tired of the rigid posting rules and frequent bannings, so they got together to find a new place to graze and waste entire hours of the work day. First to the meeting were the two cart-horses, frazod and tommykat, who came in together, walking very slowly and setting down their vast hairy hoofs with great care lest there should be some small animal concealed in the straw. Tommykat was a stout motherly mare approaching old age, who had never quite got her figure back after her fourth foal, or her incident with the washing machine. Frazod was an enormous beast, nearly eighteen hands high, and as fat as any two ordinary horses put together. A white stripe down his nose gave him a somewhat stupid appearance, and in fact he was not of first-rate intelligence, but he was universally respected for his steadiness of character and tremendous drunken temper. After the horses came JOhn, the white goat, and Milkman, the donkey. Milkman was the oldest animal on the farm, and the worst tempered. He seldom talked, and when he did, it was usually to make some cynical remark — for instance, when most people were encouraged by the Vermeil hire, he'd preach Carl Peterson platitudes about defense and experienced clutch QBs. Alone among the animals on the farm he never laughed. If asked why, he would say that he saw nothing to laugh at.
The new farm was to be called Chiefs Planet, and it was decided the job of moderating and organizing the others fell naturally upon the pigs, who were generally recognised as being the cleverest of the animals. Pre-eminent among the pigs was a young boar named Phobia, who was a large, rather fierce-looking Berkshire boar, not much of a talker, but with a reputation for getting his own way. All the other male pigs on the farm were porkers. The best known among them was a small fat pig named KCJohnny, with very round cheeks, twinkling eyes, nimble movements, and a shrill voice. He was a brilliant talker, and when he was arguing some difficult point he had a way of skipping from side to side and whisking his tail. The others said of KCJohnny that he could turn black into white.
The pigs got together and drew up a set of five commandments that would govern the basis for being an animal of Chiefs Planet Farm. They were:
1. Whoever is from the KC Star Farm and other Chiefs farms is an enemy
2. Whatever is fat, bald and/or has a goatee is a friend
3. All threads belong in one giant farm
4. No animal shall post racist shit
5. All animals are equal
The farm soon prospered and attracted other animals. Each animal posted and entertained as it could to its own ability. Political conversations were had, and because the pigs were Chiefs Planet animals, nobody was banned for that reason. It seemed to be the perfect solution for all animals.
As prosperity grew, some old friends from KC Star Farm would occasionally show up, and according to the commandments, they were treated with hostility. Denise the rat, attracted to the droppings of some of the larger animals, decided to make a home in a corner of the barn. She was soon joined by Tom Cash, the reeruned turkey. As the dogs and cats grew irate with Denise, she took refuge in the straw of the pigs, believing that they would protect her. Htismaqe and KCWolfman always ceased the attacks, refusing to remove her from the farm, which would violate the commandments and the very reason for Chiefs Planet Farm's existence.
However, one day the animals woke up to find that Phobia, the leader of the pigs and protector of the animals, had changed something:
All threads belong in one giant farm, except for political topics.
The explanation was that it was in the interest of all parties to separate topics that people didn't want to see and as a result, the posters that people didn't want to engage. By doing this, Phobia was PRESERVING Chiefs Planet, not ruining it. The animals stopped giving a shit and then went on with their business.
Some animals grew wary of Phobia and the pigs. They knew that bannings sometimes had to happen as protection against spammers and cockroaches like Go Chiefs, but nevertheless shuddered to think about the ban being used on one of them.
Phobia's obsession with popularity and power influenced the animals of Chiefs Planet. A boar with a boring life who builds decks for a living couldn't be that cool, but then they saw his post count and self-deprecating sense of humor and changed their minds. Many animals had met Phobia’s sow, and thought it was cool that they could make jokes about having sex with her to feel better about themselves. They came to see Phobia as the most powerful of the pigs, which was blown off by others like Luzap and Bob Dole, but the sexual tension was clearly present in the daily pig meetings at the mud pile.
Several years later, another farm was developed not far from Chiefs Planet. Farmer Nick was in charge of those animals, mostly sheep, and it proved to turn a very nice profit. Every month Farmer Nick would collect $89 worth of wool from the sheep and in return upgraded their food to a fancier brand called “Premium Content.” In truth, Premium Content was nothing more than garbage and leftover scraps, but the wool payment some how made it taste better. The animals at Chiefs Planet knew the truth about Farmer Nick and his Premium Content, so of course they viewed themselves as superior to his Warpaint Farm. The pigs joined in on the berating of Warpaint Farm, for they really did see it along with the other animals as nothing more than a lie.
One day Phobia announced that he had reached an agreement with Farmer Nick to moderate the daily activity at Warpaint Farm, since they had no pigs and no means of creating interest and activity in the farm apart from the original sheep that lived there. People questioned his decision, but he reminded them of the very first commandment. He showed it to them, which appeared to have been altered to: Whoever is from the KC Star Farm and other Chiefs farms is an enemy, except for pigs.
The days without Phobia resulted in a loss of burst at Chiefs Planet Farm. More animals kept joining, but the older animals who were a part of the original revolution were content to keep to themselves and stay out of the activity. New pigs were born and trained for protecting Chiefs Planet.
It wasn’t until Phobia returned years later, claiming to be more enlightened than ever before and having the animals believe that Chiefs Planet is the greatest farm of them all. The animals all thought to themselves, “Yeah, no ****ing shit you moron,” but nevertheless accepted him back anyway as one of their own. Since Phobia’s departure, he looked at the commandments and saw that the pigs in charge had added 73 new ones, which included ridiculous things like, “Animals can swear, but only if they spell the word correctly.”
Phobia aggressively took control. The young boars like Mr. Flopnuts and Bearcat became his new henchmen, and the old crew of porkers like htismaqe and KCWolfman were gone. Frazod had worked for YEARS on Chiefs Planet farm, happily allowing his prejudice towards Mexicans to shine through in his daily musings, when the pigs couldn't decide how to interpret the fourth commandment. Citing a range of issues with the farm’s collective personality, Phobia immediately set to work banning loyal animals like frazod and anybody who saw what a tyrant he had become. Their arguments against Phobia were met with silence from the other pigs when they saw that all of the commandments had been removed and replaced with just one:
All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others
25. ChiefsCountry
Spoiler!
This name is now the first one of the top 25. We're nearing the end of this thing, so if a borderline name hasn't been called yet, now is the time. After making two moderator selections in the last three picks, with one of them being a legend and central figure in the history of Chiefs Planet, the Listmaker has a lot of pressure on him going into the first selections of the Top 25.
This guy has some great numbers. He's got a join date of January 2004, so he's been a member for 10 years, and forum experience is something that this listmaker really values when making his picks. Nearly 29,000 posts, good for a 7.31 ppd average, and most of those posts were in football threads in tough and dicey discussions. He's a 7-time participant in the CP Mock Draft and draft master for two of those years. I was at those two drafts personally, and I saw some REALLY good OP updates that were prompt and accurate. That's a skill that not enough observers talk about, but I can assure you that listmakers everywhere are taking note of their background and success in that area. You've got a poster in PGM, an otherwise consistent lock for the top 20 getting picked much earlier, and it's probably due to his deficiencies in OP updating that had him dropping on a lot of boards.
That's a pretty damn good resume, but this guy isn't without a lot of question marks especially when he's being considered for the top 25. For one, his post lengths leave a lot to be desired. Compared to some posters like Sorter, OnTheWarpath58, and Direckshun who went before him, the length in his football posts is too brief too often with not enough detail. Good usage of stats to make his arguments, but hardly any follow-up analysis is ever provided. A solid career post rate and post count is always nice, but you also have to go back and watch the threads to see how successful you can be if you get in a back-and-forth with the guy. You see a volley of 1 or 2 points, then he disappears to let others make his arguments for him.
There also just isn't much flash to him. He's all about business, which can be good, because he sticks to the facts and not the factions, but there's never any humor. In the minds of a lot of fans of this top 101 countdown, that indicates a lack of burst, and could potentially lead to long periods of absence, where he gets tied down with his job or family and doesn't have time for Chiefs Planet. That's just fine if we're talking ranks 50, 60, or 70, but 25th? Taking a giant leap there.
That being said, if history is any indication, this is a classic listmaker pick. You can do worse than a solid and loyal long-time contributor who can help drive football talk and even dabble in the NBA, MLB, and NHL on the side. Even if it's a bit crazy to see him this high, it's definitely better late than never, I suppose.
With the 76th selection in the 2014 Top 101 CP Posters list, the Listmaker selects Chiefs Country, Drafturbator, somewhere in the Ozarks(?)
24. Buck
Spoiler!
Seriously, just come out of the closet, already, Buck. We know you're one of us.
You just like the music and the atmosphere at Chiefs Planet, eh? Dudes buy you drinks at Chiefs games and give you compliments on your weight loss? The Media Center is just better here than it is on any Charger forums? Well guess what buddy, we're getting really ****ing tired of you ducking us like this.
You're one of us. You don't believe your team will ever win a Super Bowl. You don't get angry or sad when your team loses, you just get numb? That's Chiefs fan behavior, dude, and we invented that shit long before Norv Turner grew his first cancerous zit on his neck. We know you want to feel better about the agonizing Charger losses when you post those threads of yours, but it's all an excuse to allow your inner petegz28 to express itself.
Ever thought why this gay bar makes you feel so welcome? Ever analyze that you hang out with your Chiefs Planet "friends" at Arrowhead games instead of other visiting Charger fans?
We've been patient with you. We've let you rack up a bunch of records in our now non-existant games forum. We let you play CP Survivor. We even hooked you up with Clay's fine ass for a modest fee. But it's time to be honest with us and yourself.
So consider this a ****ing intervention. Come out now as a Chiefs fan or drink an AIDS martini.
And for ****'s sake, just eat a goddamn candy bar. It's not going to kill you, and you might cheer the **** up for once instead of worrying about bullshit pseudo-medicine.
23. Demonpenz
Spoiler!
I am the man everybody says 'i may not agree with him but i would by him a beer anytime'
It may seem like im not so smart becuase i troll a lot but there are a ton of grate historical figures who seemed not very smart but actually were genious such as hairy Trueman, Jamaal Charles, and gary glitter
Id like to thank all of chiefsplanet for this wonderful ranking including SNR for the roast Phobia for making this all possible and rico and timbone for getting excited when interest was down because there lives suck. Also id like to thank my loyal fans and readers. Without you I wouldnt be writing for anybody but id probably still be employed because the internet loves that lady who rights review of the Olve Garden. Also thank you to pestilence and congratulations on you're upcoming retirement. I hope you enjoy spending time doing the important things in life like spending time with family, going golfing, and ****ing yourself.
God bless america. Long live the mcrib.
Demonpenz is a sportswriter and execution editor for the Atchison Times.
22. Cochise
Spoiler!
The proud and honorable Apache leader Cochise was a great warrior who stood for justice and integrity in spite of the atrocities committed against his family and people by the Mexican and American governments. Therefore, it's only fitting that his memory get cheapened by a boring average middle-aged white Republican dude on the internet. Next thing you know, frazod will come back and ask his username to be changed to Dietrich ****ing Bonhoeffer.
Cochise (Hard Rock Cafe shirt, not feather) is a unique add to this Best Posters of 2014 list because he came back to CP this very year after taking several years off to rest his wounded and tired vagina, probably over the usual reasons-- "Too negative... too much name-calling... Hamas made an obscure literary reference in a QB thread... yadda yadda." He's ranked this high because he's pretty much Alex Smith-- doesn't post anything too flashy, doesn't lead any conversations, and is diligent about not making any mistakes or ruffling any feathers so that when people talk about his merits as a poster, the first thing they say is, "I really like Cochise the person, and he does some great things as a poster, but..."
And those are all the jokes I've got. Sorry. Unspectacular posters get unspectacular roasts. Get Cochise to throw downfield more often and take fewer sacks, and we'll see where we're at with him in 2015.
Until then, Cochise just missed another wide open chance at a creative insult that most top posters make 10 times out of 10. All because he was checking down to an Obama thread in the DC forum.
21. DaFace
Spoiler!
It's pretty obvious to all but the most loyal of citizens that Chiefs Planet has had an AWFUL history when it comes to its moderators. I mean, good ****ing lord, you remember that ZACH was a goddamn mod at one point? And it wasn't just for a joke, either. He was a mod for like a good 2 years. You also have Luzap and JazZzZzlovr who only stopped by once a year to check the mousetraps and say "Merry ****ing Christmas, assholes." And Logical (God rest his soul) was brilliant, but he was far more about the bread and circuses and less about getting the job done. Do we really recall when he took his turn throwing Marlboro into the dumpster? No. Do we remember when he abused Clay by ****ing with him like Bugs Bunny did to Daffy Duck? Yes. Yes we do.
So whenever Napoleon Phobia rapes the wheatfields with his blighted penis, it's the same garbage we always hear. "DaFace was the best." "DaFace was prompt with action." "DaFace never abused his power." "DaFace got me a new phone and paid my mortgage!"
Seriously?
For ****'s sake people, DaFace was practically a n00b when he got administrative duties. Parking Rain Man's Beemer, fetching him coffee, and waiting for the moment when Rain Man told him he could stop eating his cat's fresh turds straight out of the litter box are hardly fitting qualifications for this job. Vlad the Impaler also started off as a sex slave for depraved maniacs, and look how he ****ing turned out!
Do I have to ****ing remind you people that he's the goddamn monster who took your tags away? Do you think Logical would have done that? No, he wouldn't. Logical would have kept the tags. Do you think Mr. Flopnuts would have banned tags? Of course he ****ing wouldn't. We all know he loved to use tags! Do you think htismaqe would have taken your tags away? Depends on the time of the month, I suppose, but still!
Yeah, the whole draft day tradition to "bring back tags" was DaFace's idea. Are you really that ****ing stupid? Just because he's doing work doesn't mean he's a great mod for crying out loud. He just couldn't put up with the bitching, so he "mercifully" hands back the needles and shoelaces to the heroin addicts but only temporarily. Looks really ****ing great, doesn't it? Yeah, he's certainly got you all fooled. DaFace is a goddamn hero on draft day! He's stole our candy, but at least we're getting back the tiny niblet Tootsie Rolls!
DaFace can suck MaDick.
20. tk13
Spoiler!
tk13 is the 2nd worst thing to ever happen to this forum. The first is Deberg.
I'm not sure why I signed off when PGM put him on the list in the first place. Think about whom I could be roasting right now instead of tk13.
Daru. I could be roasting Daru. That would be hella fun.
mylonsd? You bet. Don't think I've run out of middle-aged old and boring midwesterner jokes yet. There are plenty more of those. Trust me.
Taco John. Good **** people, I could be roasting Taco John right now. Do you know how much material that guy has? Endless amounts. He's responsible for so many of CP's colloquialisms and literary memes; he's the Bill Shakespeare of Chiefs Planet! Christ, the man invented the "I'm leaving forever thread!" Imagine how hard it would be to **** up a Taco John roast! It's impossible. tk13 could probably write a decent Taco John roast. That's how easy it would be.
I can't remember a damn funny thing tk13 has ever posted. Hell, I can barely remember anything he's posted at all. Once upon a time I mentioned that I like Gordon Lightfoot, and so he would occasionally post The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald in response to something I said. No, I don't know why. Maybe he thought it was funny, or maybe he was flirting with me. I don't care, really. That's the only thing I remember him posting.
Here's another Taco John word of the day for you all: burst. As in tk13 has none. He didn't lose it, though, and that's because he never had any to begin with. No legendary feuds. No awesome photoshops, material, manifestos, or a ****ing MS Paint drawing. No football or sports takes he's forever known for. Nobody can name anything he likes or dislikes. He's not a true fan, and he's not a drafturbator. He's always just chilling out in the background posting the most gripping shit you ever ****ing read like, "It's only Week 4. The Chiefs aren't out of the playoff hunt yet." He doesn't even post in the DC forum. He doesn't even have a personality. He's just barely halfway pleasant all the time. Never angry, happy, excited, scared, horny, insane, drunk, or stoned. His username is boring as ****-- just two letters and a two-digit number. Yeah, I know what you're saying, "Look who's talking, guy with three letters." Do you know how many times people have tried to figure out what SNR stands for? Have you EVER wondered what the deal was with tk13's name? And if you did, how long did it take you to shrug your shoulders and forget that you cared?
The man hasn't ever had an avatar. Not once in 13 years. That's how ****ing unremarkable his 35,000+ posts have been on CP.
I know I already used boring smaque on Cochise, but I would have saved my semen if I knew that tk13 was going to be on board.
I'll tell you what. Let's add some burst right now. You know that international society that will pay you a gajillion dollars if you prove one of these seven math proofs? We'll do that here. You guys go find some ACTUAL dirt that I could be roasting tk13 on right now besides the fact that there is none, and I'll write a roast about anybody on this forum. You pick. Your worst enemy, your best friend, or the weirdest ****er you can think of. It will be a special project that you commissioned by solving the unsolveable-- finding a legitimate long-lasting contribution that tk13 has made to ANY living breathing asshole in this cesspool of a forum.
Can't send rep right now either and that sucks as there have been some funny bastards lately. Shit even Pablo just made a solid post a bit ago in this very thread.
PGM - what are you needing - something basic or something badass? I have both basic and badass - and I can save you some money. Would you like to see one of my ebay listings/auctions? Generally we sell parts - but I've been moving whole PC's as well on Ebay.
PGM - what are you needing - something basic or something badass? I have both basic and badass - and I can save you some money. Would you like to see one of my ebay listings/auctions? Generally we sell parts - but I've been moving whole PC's as well on Ebay.
07-31-2014, 09:33 PM
I've actively ignored this thread since it's inception...
Linear Mode
