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Old 05-19-2014, 11:46 AM  
Hammock Parties Hammock Parties is offline
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I'm on a mission to shit
Five days ago I had surgery.

On the first day I did not shit. This did not surprise me, as I had not eaten since lunchtime the day before.

On the second day I did not shit. This did not surprise me, as the doctors informed me that I may experience constipation.

On the third day, I did not shit. I became concerned. I began eating apples, taking a stool softener, and enjoyed a large bowl of indian beans.

On the fourth day, I did not shit. My bowels began to feel...too full. I drank two large glasses of Metamucil and two tablespoons of milk of magnesia.

It is the fifth day, and I have not shat, though farts are coming profusely and with great force. I took two tablets of Senokot (recommended by my doctor) and downed a large bowl of Kellog's Fiber Plus about an hour ago.

I'm on a mission. To shit.

Please, God. Let me shit.
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Old 05-20-2014, 07:17 AM   #256
htismaqe htismaqe is offline
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Originally Posted by Count Zarth View Post
Spinach FTW!
Boo Berry cereal FTW!
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Old 05-20-2014, 07:19 AM   #257
htismaqe htismaqe is offline
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Originally Posted by Count Zarth View Post
As it turns out taking too many laxatives in a 48-hour period can lead to some stomach discomfort. Oy vey.
Just wait until you realize what magnesium citrate does AFTER you go.
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Old 05-20-2014, 07:26 AM   #258
Mosbonian Mosbonian is offline
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Originally Posted by Bob Dole View Post
Or you are drinking too much grape soda...
Found this one out when I was a kid....scared the green crap out of me.
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Old 05-20-2014, 07:32 AM   #259
lcarus lcarus is offline
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Originally Posted by Dayze View Post
why is the top of the turd folded over like a poop oragami?
It's from overuse of that hook shaped dildo he's been using to tickle his prostate. Damn it Clay. I told you that thing would make your poops looks weird.
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Old 05-20-2014, 07:33 AM   #260
okoye35chiefs okoye35chiefs is offline
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you should call it "casseling".....
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Old 05-20-2014, 08:42 AM   #261
gblowfish gblowfish is offline
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Originally Posted by Flybone McTimmerson View Post
God damn it. I can't believe I actually just saw a picture of Clay's shit.
You couldn't pay me enough to open that photo. No way.
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Old 05-20-2014, 08:43 AM   #262
htismaqe htismaqe is offline
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Originally Posted by gblowfish View Post
You couldn't pay me enough to open that photo. No way.
No kidding.

What did anybody think was going to be in that spoiler? Dumbshits.
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Old 05-20-2014, 08:44 AM   #263
gblowfish gblowfish is offline
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Originally Posted by Buzz View Post
Look on the bright side, after wiping your bung hole raw and your finger pokes through the toilet paper you will no longer be a virgin.
Hershey Squirts leads to that debilitating, uncomfortable sensation known as "Tangy Asshole."
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Old 05-20-2014, 08:47 AM   #264
ThaVirus ThaVirus is offline
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Originally Posted by eDave View Post
Grape soda?


Quote:
Originally Posted by Bob Dole View Post
Or you are drinking too much grape soda...

Heh.

I thought these were black jokes until I read Mosbonian's post.
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Old 05-20-2014, 08:49 AM   #265
srvy srvy is offline
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Originally Posted by htismaqe View Post
No kidding.

What did anybody think was going to be in that spoiler? Dumbshits.
Substitute the vomit for the turd and its somthing like this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5betKv46GB4
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Old 05-20-2014, 09:23 AM   #266
Hammock Parties Hammock Parties is offline
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I was rudely awakened at 2AM by a wet, explosive aftershock. Debris was small and scattered.

After a night of gurgly, fitful sleep, I broke my shitting fast about an hour ago. This was again explosive, wet and a powerful shock to my recently evacuated bowels. The formation resembled the Philippines.

I have since consumed two more pain pills. Will the cycle repeat itself? We will watch. And pray.
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Old 05-20-2014, 09:24 AM   #267
Hammock Parties Hammock Parties is offline
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Originally Posted by loochy View Post
That's actually not as bad as I expected. I bet it was the consistency of a piece of rebar though. Did you cry when it came out? How's your butt? Did it tear?
It was actually not painful at all. I've been downing stool softeners like M&Ms since Friday.
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Old 05-20-2014, 09:24 AM   #268
htismaqe htismaqe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Count Zarth View Post
I was rudely awakened at 2AM by a wet, explosive aftershock. Debris was small and scattered.

After a night of gurgly, fitful sleep, I broke my shitting fast about an hour ago. This was again explosive, wet and a powerful shock to my recently evacuated bowels. The formation resembled the Philippines.

I have since consumed two more pain pills. Will the cycle repeat itself? We will watch. And pray.
The thing is, the saline solution will continue to draw water into the intestine even after it's empty.

Prepare to pass water several times before it's over.
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Old 05-20-2014, 09:25 AM   #269
Simply Red Simply Red is offline
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Originally Posted by Count Zarth View Post
It was actually not painful at all. I've been downing stool softeners like M&Ms since Friday.
pls airmail leftover pain pills ASAP.
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Old 05-20-2014, 09:28 AM   #270
Hammock Parties Hammock Parties is offline
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Originally Posted by htismaqe View Post
The thing is, the saline solution will continue to draw water into the intestine even after it's empty.

Prepare to pass water several times before it's over.
I had two fried eggs, some baked beans and an apple for breakfast.

My soul is prepared.
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