For those with children: Do you think you’re a better parent than your parents were?

[ThaVirus]

Discuss

[BigRedChief]

Originally Posted by Mosbonian

BRC.....I have to ask. Was this in a 11-14 y/o league in those years?

I was part of an All Star team when I was 13/14 and we went to Springfield MO and played their All Star Team. They had 2 really good (and tall) pitchers and 2 good infielders. The rest were average players that looked as bad as some of the old KC Royals outfields in their lean years.

I remember the big guy pitching that first game threw me a fastball I hit into the gap. The right fielder and the center fielder collided chasing the ball and I got an inside the park home run.

No idea. Don't remember. The teams came to play us in Springfield. We did go to a couple of tournaments and traveled to other cities for a game or two every year. I was way bigger than those kids in those other cities too.

That does sound like our team. We had 2 other players that could play pretty damn good but the rest were at best, what is known now as "rec ball" players.

[ChiTown]

It's different and hard to compare for me. But, my Parents were simply amazing, selfless human beings. They struggled through a lot to provide the very best that they could. I had an amazing example growing up and I've done my level best to emulate that. I was born in the late 60's and raised during the 70's and 80's. The helicopter parent wasn't invented yet But, they were ALWAYS there to support us, and ALWAYS available for us emotionally.

My kids grew up in a far easier time period (born in 98 and 01) and we (as Parents) had so many built in advantages - greater wealth being one of them. Like my folks, we were super involved with our kids and deeply cared how they behaved and grew as human beings. I think we did a pretty good job, as they are both college educated and gainfully employed. Moreover, they appear to be happy, well-adjusted and morally upright citizens. I know I couldn't be more proud of both of them, so I genuinely hope we did a good job.

As to the original question, I don't know the answer to that. I just hope my folks would be proud of the work my wife and I did as Parents. I know we certainly kept them mind as we raised both our kids.

[ThaVirus]

Originally Posted by DJ's left nut

Eh.....

I know I don't. And it's really simple - I was the oldest kid and by God I was going to put a stop to this nonsense.

Yeah, there’s probably a deeper nature vs nurture debate baked in there.

What always trips me out is the fact that, statistically speaking, if your parent is an addict, you are more likely than the average to also be an addict of that particular vice. That’s wild.

Addicts, abusers, etc. who were raised by an addict, abuser, etc. had front row seats in the class of How Not to Raise Your Children and failed miserably. You were literally given a blueprint on how not to be.

[Mosbonian]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

Moving out to a slightly different question, a question for everybody. Do you find that your relationship with your parents was better in childhood or as an adult? In other words, did your relationship improve over time or decline?

Sadly, my relationship with my parents declined notably when I became an adult, and has generally declined a bit more every passing year. Among other issues, they never wanted to evolve into a peer relationship from an authoritarian relationship, even forty years after I became an adult, and it's a continual source of friction.

The OP question is a bit tougher to answer.....your question is easier.

My relationship with my parents got so much better when I got older. In fact, my dad and I became so much closer as I reached 40 and had kids of my own. We did Fantasy Football together for many years...we would go to his favorite bar/restaurant in Excelsior Springs and spend Sunday afternoon watching games. We talked like a Father and son should....I got good advice and he even asked me for advice on things I was the expert on. It was the relationship I had always wanted with him, but that we were never able to achieve when I was the middle child who sought out every way to not listen to him. When he passed away I wrote something that I read at his funeral that I later posted to my blog, "Playing Catch with my Dad" that encapsulized our relationship from my youth to his passing. (I barely made it thru reading it at the funeral)

In the last couple of months that my dad and I spent together he told me how he was sure I was destined to be trouble growing up, but how proud he was of me for making myself what I am today. And he told me that I was 3x the father he could have been to me, but that was just an exaggeration to make me feel better about myself.

The only regret I have is that he did not live to see the 2014/2015 Royals and the Mahomes-era Chiefs. We shared so much pain watching both teams in their lean years, nothing would have made it better than he and I being able to share it together. (I've said this in other threads.....the first Mahomes Super Bowl win I was so happy...but found myself sad that he was not here to share it with)

My relationship with my mom was so different, but I was the only son that was there for her passing. My mom had that kind of "sometimes I need you/sometimes I don't" persona as she got older. My mom already had emotional issues to begin with, but I can say without hesitation that she was never the same after the Hyatt Hotel collapse. She was one of the Nurses sent to respond to the scene and it was way too grim for her to handle. But I knew she loved me and really appreciated that my children loved her and got to see her. (my kids are the only grandchildren she ever got to see in person)

[DJ's left nut]

Originally Posted by ThaVirus

Yeah, there’s probably a deeper nature vs nurture debate baked in there.

What always trips me out is the fact that, statistically speaking, if your parent is an addict, you are more likely than the average to also be an addict of that particular vice. That’s wild.

Addicts, abusers, etc. who were raised by an addict, abuser, etc. had front row seats in the class of How Not to Raise Your Children and failed miserably. You were literally given a blueprint on how not to be.

I'm a nature over nurture guy, though I'll acknowledge that nurture plays a role.

I think you just have to be a stubborn sumbitch to, when you're still a kid, say "here and no further..."

I think many will see that behavior at a young age and see it as acceptable then steer into the skid. Because as a kid that's your model for adulthood.

You have to be wired a certain kind of way to see something like that and QUICKLY say "No, this is wrong and I need to observe this as what NOT to do..."

I mean if you aren't there by 10 years old, it's probably all over but the crying. That realization has to come very young. And I don't think that's as common as we think. As adults is seems simple for us but through the eyes of a child, it's probably pretty difficult to see things that way.

[Mosbonian]

Originally Posted by BigRedChief

No idea. Don't remember. The teams came to play us in Springfield. We did go to a couple of tournaments and traveled to other cities for a game or two every year. I was way bigger than those kids in those other cities too.

That does sound like our team. We had 2 other players that could play pretty damn good but the rest were at best, what is known now as "rec ball" players.

Funny that our lives might have passed back then....

[DJ's left nut]

Originally Posted by ThaVirus

Yeah, there’s probably a deeper nature vs nurture debate baked in there.

What always trips me out is the fact that, statistically speaking, if your parent is an addict, you are more likely than the average to also be an addict of that particular vice. That’s wild.

Addicts, abusers, etc. who were raised by an addict, abuser, etc. had front row seats in the class of How Not to Raise Your Children and failed miserably. You were literally given a blueprint on how not to be.

I read a book a few years back that talked about how society is far more beholden to a handful of personalities than we seem to realize.

Something as simple as evolving into an agricultural society may have truly come down to a handful of guys in early human history who said "No, we are GOING to do this..."

Because look at things like cultivated wheats. They have anti-drought protections whereby only 1 in 5 seeds will germinate in a given year - the rest stay dormant. Well thousands of years ago, they didn't know that. So they planted enough food for 100 people in the village, 1/5 of it germinated and then 80 people starved to death.

99% of society says "Nah, we're done with that nonsense..."

1% tries to figure out what the hell just happened, bows their backs and tries again. They fight through it. And hell, of that 1%, 90% of THEM probably die in the attempt. They try and fail. But that's where large numbers come in. Eventually the right person hits the right circumstances, gets a proof of concept and you have a new normal.

That generational decay within a family could be very similar, IMO. You need one person somewhere in that lineage to be the guy that said "No, we're planting wheat again and by God we're GOING to figure out how to make it work..." And then that person has to make it work. And in a smaller subset of people, even one person trying and failing could keep a family line stuck in neutral for decades to come.

That level of stubborn isn't common. We know from anthropological records that its rare as hell. We know from history. Inertia controls almost everything people do. Within that group, it takes a person who's just preternaturally obstinate to force things out of the ordinary course. Agriculturally, militarily, societally, etc.... So often these things come down to a person or a small handful of people who are willing to just nut up and try again.

[BigRedChief]

Originally Posted by Mosbonian

Funny that our lives might have passed back then....

Yeah, I should have put in there that I do remember playing on those All-Star teams playing other cities All-Star teams.

[Mosbonian]

In regards to the OP.....I can say without question that I am way better than my parents were when I was young. For all the nice things I can say about my dad when I got older, my parents were a train wreck.

My parents divorced when I was age 9....and they were both so immature after that for a few years that all we boys were to them were pawns in their game to spite the other. Luckily my paternal grandparents were the rock we boys could hide behind when things got tough. One particular incident still sticks in my mind even though it occurred when I was 9......

When the divorce decree was drawn up my dad asked for custody of the oldest child (my older brother) and my mom asked for custody of the youngest child (my younger brother)....now imagine my mom and dad's separate attorney's arguing in the hallway about who would accept custody of the middle child (guess who) so they could submit it to the Judge to accept and confirm. My grandmother was there thankfully and whisked all 3 of us boys away, but it was hard to "un-hear" what I did.

Both parents later apologized and blamed the respective attorney's, but I heard what I heard. (Forgiving is part of the healing....and that took some time)

So yes....I am a much better parent, but part of that is also because my wife (and her parents) helped mold a bit of a broken man.

[DJ's left nut]

Originally Posted by Mosbonian

So yes....I am a much better parent, but part of that is also because my wife (and her parents) helped mold a bit of a broken man.

If my kids only learn one thing from me, it's gonna be an easy one.

Marry well.

It's a BIG ****ing deal. So many failed families come down to little more than immature people marrying the wrong person.

It's such a big damn deal. Get that decision right and you're 90% of the way home.

[Why Not?]

Originally Posted by luv

As far as parenting goes, this.

Dealing with my mom's toxic insecure personality is seemingly harder as an adult, and shielding my son from it is a big part of that.

I definitely can relate to that issue with my mother

[BigRedChief]

Originally Posted by DJ's left nut

If my kids only learn one thing from me, it's gonna be an easy one.

Marry well.

It's a BIG ****ing deal. So many failed families come down to little more than immature people marrying the wrong person.

It's such a big damn deal. Get that decision right and you're 90% of the way home.

I agree. I didn't get married until I was 30. Married 33 years so far.

[BIG_DADDY]

My parents grew up in the great depression. Dad worked 24/7 and was terrified of being poor. Mom was there for a few years when I was young and then went back to work. I had free range which wasn't good for me as I was friggen insane. I was loved though and had all I needed. I feel very, very lucky to have the parents I did. It was a different time for sure.

As a parent I waited until late in my life to have a son. I am temporarily retired which allows me to spend so much more time with him. He is a world class athlete in jiu-jitsu and a great student when he applies himself. I couldn't be more proud of him but I have had the luxury of having that time with him. Different situations

[DJ's left nut]

Originally Posted by BigRedChief

I agree. I didn't get married until I was 30. Married 33 years so far.

I'll openly concede that I'm needlessly dogmatic here, but I'll never understand the "lets get married at the courthouse" folks.

It's important. ACT like it.

I've never known a couple to do the half-assed marriage thing where "Oh we're gonna just get the certificate signed and have a party later" where the marriage lasted. Now I don't know 50 people like that, but I think I know 5 or 6 and all of those folks got divorced within 5 years. And yes, I know that it's not universal, but I absolutely think the 'success rate' on those marriages is significantly lower.

Meanwhile myself and most of my friends got married fairly young; all by age 25. And all of us did the full marriage ceremony and what not. And all of us are still married, most of us over a decade later (I'm at 20 next summer).

I just think a lot of folks are strangely glib about what SHOULD be the most important decision you'll ever make in your life.

Then again, I'll spend months researching breeders before I'll so much as buy a dog. So there's probably an acceptable middle ground to be found.

But man, if it's that important, treat it as such.

[WilliamTheIrish]

Virus, I want to thank you for posting this thread. We've had some similar threads previously on this site. But this one struck a particular chord with me.

Perhaps it's me becoming a sentimental old guy, but I'm inspired to read what some of the folks here have overcome, to become better than the folks who brought them into the world.

And it's been rather cathartic to read these stories. Real humanity.