14. the Talking Can
I have mentioned before how awesome the Talking Can is. And because I'm the one finishing out the rankings, I've decided I earned the right to put my personal touch on this list. So that's why he's on this list, and that's why he's ranked this high. Honestly, I'd totally put him in the top 5. He's one of my favorites, and if you don't like him, you're a huge dumbass.
And prepare yourselves for one of those non-roasts you all hate. Yep. This is quite simply a tribute to one of my favorite posters. I could make jokes and try to imitate him by posting genocidal stuff against Patriots fans, but why do that when I can just let the man's work speak for itself?
the Talking Can embodies everything that's awesome about Chiefs Planet. The seething, unbridled rage that takes the form of some really bizarre stuff is a posting style I've tried to replicate and use on my own, but I can't do what he does. The difference might be his hilarious presentation, where he has this preference to just ignore capitalizing stuff, or the poorly photoshopped Cassel avatar that he wore for years. The combination of that with some of the greatest lines of vitriol I've ever seen spewed at one's own football team/fans is like a really complex souffle recipe that is one-of-a-kind.
So here's my tribute to the Talking Can. Five classic Talking Can moments. Honestly, you can probably find some better Can posts yourselves with just a little bit of searching, but #1 and #2 are for sure some of his best work. They are probably near the top of things I've ever laughed at in the history of Chiefs Planet.
5. Can's response to the Haley firing and the future of KC's QB position
Outlook not so great.
http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showp...8&postcount=52
4. The beginning of the end for Pioli
Pioli apparently said "****" on TV. What really happened, Can?
http://chiefsplanet.com/BB/showpost....7&postcount=26
3. Is Brandon Siler a better tackler than Derrick Johnson?
We all remember some of the great Black Bob discussions, particularly during that 2012 season. And Talking Can was right there with all of us. I'm posting the thread, but I have my favorite posts listed in the spoiler.
http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=263167
2. The David DeCastro Debate
The 2012 draft was one of the more intriguing draft years I've experienced on CP. It was perhaps the most imperfect draft slot the Chiefs have ever had, where they were needing a QB so desperately in the best QB draft class in years, but possessed one of the worst draft slots for picking a QB (way too high to be thinking about the middle prospects that possessed a lot of potential) as well as having the Piolibola prevent them from even taking a shot at one. And there was TEH BEST GUARD EVAR! sitting right there. Talking Can expressed the sentiment we were all feeling at the time in the most perfect way:
http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showp...&postcount=123
1. Because it deserves to be posted again...
You can read my roast of notorious to see that I've already brought this up. But you know what? It's the funniest thing I've ever read on CP. I'm reposting it as #1 because it's just that damn good.
Everything he wrote in the thread was great. Haley was gone, Pioli indicated no change of direction from Cassel, and I believe even stuck up for him? Was that the genesis of the "I don't think I need to tell anyone that Matt's our starter" quote? Regardless, though, the ****ing pitchforks were coming out. The OP of the thread itself was brilliant:
http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=253622
This generated an amusing response intended as a chuckle from one of the bystanders about using a time machine to wipe out those 15 generations. Then we got to the real gold nugget:
http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showp...6&postcount=23
I laughed for days. This isn't just your standard, "I'm mailing anthrax" or "I hope he chokes on his own vomit" kind of anger. We're talking about shitty Star Trek movie villainry that aborts an entire species from existence.
"I'm going back to Africa and snuffing out Pioli
at the source."
"At the source."
Posts like this one are why continuing to hate and rip on Pioli until the day I die will always bring me great joy in my heart. The man truly was an abortion, and ****ing poets like the Talking Can were the lost voices that many of us struggled to find during those trying times. Like Maya ****ing Angelou.
In the words of the great Sorter, I have this to say to you, Talking Can:
Post more.