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Special Teams ACE!!!
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Where the hell is SNR
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Here are the last few roasts. Is there a mod who can plug these into the OP?
19. cdcox
Spoiler!
Look, I get the value in what statistics does in terms of decision-making and correlation research. Breaking down reality into manageable data chunks (especially if they're quantitative data) is a neat trick.
But ****, cdcox. You ever hear the expression, "Keep work at work?" Because you take this shit pretty far, man. When you're ****ing your wife, do you record your actions in a log for later analysis? Do you put together charts and tables and graphs to find out which position will yield the highest probability of getting her to orgasm properly? When she complains about how you're getting fat from too much beer, do you grunt, "Correlation doesn't imply causation, honey!"
See, I don't even know if you're a health nut or a fatass. But if we were to trade places, I'd find myself running probability scenarios to figure out if you are, even though it can only ever give me a probability figure.
I had an advisor in grad school who was just as invested as you are in research. The running joke among the grad students was that the last words out of his mouth would be a library call number. I'm worried about the same for you, cdcox.
So let me give you a few figures to keep in mind, and maybe they'll put you on the right track.
-I've calculated a 78% probability that when you run weekly playoff scenarios to come up with each team's chances of the playoffs, not once will these percentages ever consistently come up with the correct lineup of probable teams.
-Based on the activity level and age for a Chiefs Planet member of your demographic and post count, there's an 83% likelihood that you're balding and currently have or used to wear a goatee. Incidentally, for everybody else reading this roast, there's also a 91% chance that CP bald and goatee jokes will never not be funny.
-This means you should also probably see a proctologist immediately. Just... trust me. Numbers don't lie.
-Lastly, I did a computer projective analysis of the future of Sandbox Simulations. The results weren't good, so I asked it for your best chance of the program NOT being a buggy piece of shit that people get sick of after 2 months. The best it could do was 4%, accounting for the standard .05 margin of error.
18. Saccopoo
Spoiler!
*KNOCK KNOCK*
Hello there! My name is Saccopoo, and I'm here to talk to you about the Good News of football programs in the Utah System of Higher Education.
Wait, wait, don't shut the door! I haven't given you a free copy of the Book of Mockdraft!
Well, yes, the Book of Mockdraft is very similar to Drafturbatity. We follow the same players, we both watch the combine, and it is the ultimate mortal goal of both of us to find as many great professional players as possible. But there are significant differences among us. You see, the Book of Mockdraft teaches us about the higher realm of existence intended for all draftable football players from Utah colleges and universities. They are all perfect emanations of God at their respective positions. And if you follow their college careers closely and believe in their boundless pro potential, you will also be bestowed eternal football greatness, only in the form of wisdom.
No, that's not all. We can't just let strangers into our sacred tabernacle. Before you can get to that point, you must reform yourself and your habits so that you are pure of spirit. This next part can get kind of confusing, because you'll be tempted to compare it to Drafturbatity and Truefanism. It is its own separate thing. You can learn more by checking out this free pamplet provided by the Church of Football Programs in the Utah System of Higher Education:
Quote:
--We believe in worthless things like all-conference honors and subjective national accolades in player evaluations. These items on a player's resume are just as if not more important than regular season statistics and combine numbers
--Speaking of which, when looking at combine numbers, we believe in obsessing over them if they support the profile of a Utah player
--We may find the same things to be sacred that Drafturbators do, but we believe that ever since that Phobia guy left Chiefs Planet, the forum has suffered from its splintering into sects and subforums and cliques. We are a return to the original Chiefs Planet from the time when friendly football conversation was the only thing people ever talked about. That means in order to lead a pure life, you do not participate in NFTs or threads from any subforum besides Draft Planet.
--Fatties are the key to eternal football enlightenment, and their prophet is Russell Okung, the greatest LT to ever live. He became a martyr in our religion when the Chiefs passed on him for Eric Berry because Satan tricked them into drafting Branden Albert two years prior, one of his horrid unholy demons.
--You are also required to buy into a batshit crazy football opinion cause annually and make that a tenant of your football message that you spread into the world. Me, personally? I'm claiming that Dontari Poe ****ing sucks, and all my Chiefs draft projections have them taking a NT with their 1st round pick. You're only required to believe this mind****ery for one year, though, so when the Chiefs end up passing on Geno Smith, you're allowed to never speak his name again and pretend that you were never delightfully fisted up to the elbow with Geno Mania.
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There are some other important things to discuss, but those can wait. For now, you should really read the Book of Mockdraft. In order to believe that the best football in the country is played in the state of Utah, you must KNOW about why the best draft picks every year come from Utah!
So if you're interested, please join us in the Draft Forum next week for our mock draft updates! Each mock selection includes a picture of the player! Some of the pictures are even the super homoerotic ones where the player is stripped down to his Underarmor while he does an ultra hard-core super tough flaming gay pouty face! Also, we have free cookies and juice!
Have a nice day!
17. AustinChief
Spoiler!
I don't know how or why AustinChief owns [every NFL team name] Planet. I don't know if he's just some schlub with a coding manual and a bit of cash or Mark Cuban. And I don't know how he's able to update servers and do all this computer shit, yet he thinks posting 5-10 pictures of Long John Silvers menu items per post is a massive drain on bandwidth. ****, I don't even know if I used the term "bandwidth" correctly, and I know that posting pictures like that doesn't really make a difference at all.
That doesn't matter. We're here to celebrate the most generous person who invests the most time and money to keep the CP experience going for all those little boys and girls who think antifreeze jokes are funny.
Thank you, AustinChief. With Thanksgiving fast approaching, it's time that we all took our hats off and said a word of thanks to you for all of this:
- A server that is in constant need of repair and updating
- A buggy chatroom feature from the early 1990s
- A lineup of shitty power-mad mods
- Protection from malicious threats to our internet safety like Thig Lyfe
- The freedom to bypass the word filter, because I see no two ****s given by anybody every time somebody types around it
- The freedom to be as racist as you want as long as you do it in the DC forum
- Entertaining chats with BEP (no, really, it's hilarious when people get upset at her)
So thank you, AustinChief. After PGM, of course, you're the most important person involved with the continued survival and rich prosperity enjoyed by Chiefs Planet.
Now if you could just get off your ass and try to do something about Texans Planet, that would be lovely. For ****'s sake, it's like trying to keep a nice neat lawn next to a house of ****ing Hmongs.
16. JASONSAUTO
Spoiler!
DON'T ever take your car into this hack! Dumbass won't even ****ing Jew his customers.
He clearly doesn't know the first thing about business, and if he doesn't know the first thing about business, he can't know about his own business, and if he can't know about his own business, how the hell do you expect him to figure out why your check engine light is on?
He probably doesn't even touch the ****ing cars, because he's too busy being a douchebag silent mercenary type who operates by his own code of ethics and no one else's. Every other story this guy tells about his life involves punching dudes, threatening to punch dudes, and what happened to him when he didn't punch dudes. It's ****ing annoying is what it is. I should have put up a gif of Scrappy Doo. That would have been way more apt.
Come to Jason's Auto Repair! Where sweatshop labor conditions equal customer satisfaction!
15. The Bad Guy
Spoiler!
I'm not going to go for the obvious "insider" joke. The Bad Guy has been too good to this place. Besides, that joke has been attempted before, and I don't have an Orioles forum that I can run to for protection if things get too out of hand. So I guess we'll just live on with The Bad Guy having us all fooled.
That being said, there's no reason why we can't make educated guesses as to the identity of the source, is there? It shouldn't be too hard. We need a guy who has basically been with the team for as long as this forum has been around. And I really doubt that Concessions Stand Employee #24 is privy to that kind of team access. So we can probably eliminate a few hundred names there.
The source in recent years has been the most active in feeding information during regime changes (Carl -> Pioli; Pioli -> Reid/Dorsey). He also has apparent information about draft boards, since we were fed the "updates" on the Chiefs #1 overall pick. So again, I'm thinking this is a person around a lot of heavy decisions.
I have no clue from this list who most of these people are, and the ones I can recognize don't fit the longevity description of the source.
Except for two people.
Clark Hunt. Given that The Bad Guy is just some asshole, I fail to see how he has ever made any kind of meaningful connection to the Hunt family where he could rattle off an e-mail asking for inside information, and they would totally let him in on sensitive secrets.
And there's one other guy.
Bob Moore. Rufus Dawes.
That's our guy. That's the insider who let us know this stuff before everybody else did.
Don't believe me? Think my reasoning ****ing sucks? Well suck on this little nugget:
I've got a guy I've known for years who is close to The Bad Guy family and friends network who doesn't want to be identified, and he can confirm that Rufus Dawes is The Bad Guy's source.
14. the Talking Can
Spoiler!
I have mentioned before how awesome the Talking Can is. And because I'm the one finishing out the rankings, I've decided I earned the right to put my personal touch on this list. So that's why he's on this list, and that's why he's ranked this high. Honestly, I'd totally put him in the top 5. He's one of my favorites, and if you don't like him, you're a huge dumbass.
And prepare yourselves for one of those non-roasts you all hate. Yep. This is quite simply a tribute to one of my favorite posters. I could make jokes and try to imitate him by posting genocidal stuff against Patriots fans, but why do that when I can just let the man's work speak for itself?
the Talking Can embodies everything that's awesome about Chiefs Planet. The seething, unbridled rage that takes the form of some really bizarre stuff is a posting style I've tried to replicate and use on my own, but I can't do what he does. The difference might be his hilarious presentation, where he has this preference to just ignore capitalizing stuff, or the poorly photoshopped Cassel avatar that he wore for years. The combination of that with some of the greatest lines of vitriol I've ever seen spewed at one's own football team/fans is like a really complex souffle recipe that is one-of-a-kind.
So here's my tribute to the Talking Can. Five classic Talking Can moments. Honestly, you can probably find some better Can posts yourselves with just a little bit of searching, but #1 and #2 are for sure some of his best work. They are probably near the top of things I've ever laughed at in the history of Chiefs Planet.
5. Can's response to the Haley firing and the future of KC's QB position
Outlook not so great.
http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showp...8&postcount=52
4. The beginning of the end for Pioli
Pioli apparently said "****" on TV. What really happened, Can?
http://chiefsplanet.com/BB/showpost....7&postcount=26
3. Is Brandon Siler a better tackler than Derrick Johnson?
We all remember some of the great Black Bob discussions, particularly during that 2012 season. And Talking Can was right there with all of us. I'm posting the thread, but I have my favorite posts listed in the spoiler.
http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=263167
2. The David DeCastro Debate
The 2012 draft was one of the more intriguing draft years I've experienced on CP. It was perhaps the most imperfect draft slot the Chiefs have ever had, where they were needing a QB so desperately in the best QB draft class in years, but possessed one of the worst draft slots for picking a QB (way too high to be thinking about the middle prospects that possessed a lot of potential) as well as having the Piolibola prevent them from even taking a shot at one. And there was TEH BEST GUARD EVAR! sitting right there. Talking Can expressed the sentiment we were all feeling at the time in the most perfect way:
http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showp...&postcount=123
1. Because it deserves to be posted again...
You can read my roast of notorious to see that I've already brought this up. But you know what? It's the funniest thing I've ever read on CP. I'm reposting it as #1 because it's just that damn good.
Everything he wrote in the thread was great. Haley was gone, Pioli indicated no change of direction from Cassel, and I believe even stuck up for him? Was that the genesis of the "I don't think I need to tell anyone that Matt's our starter" quote? Regardless, though, the ****ing pitchforks were coming out. The OP of the thread itself was brilliant:
http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=253622
This generated an amusing response intended as a chuckle from one of the bystanders about using a time machine to wipe out those 15 generations. Then we got to the real gold nugget:
http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showp...6&postcount=23
I laughed for days. This isn't just your standard, "I'm mailing anthrax" or "I hope he chokes on his own vomit" kind of anger. We're talking about shitty Star Trek movie villainry that aborts an entire species from existence.
"I'm going back to Africa and snuffing out Pioli at the source."
 "At the source."
Posts like this one are why continuing to hate and rip on Pioli until the day I die will always bring me great joy in my heart. The man truly was an abortion, and ****ing poets like the Talking Can were the lost voices that many of us struggled to find during those trying times. Like Maya ****ing Angelou.
In the words of the great Sorter, I have this to say to you, Talking Can:
Post more.
13. DeezNutz
Spoiler!
DeezNutz is a Chiefs, Royals, and Mizzou fan. That's a ****ton of misery and pain to deal with. Compared to other CP posters who like the same teams, he's actually fairly well-adjusted. He's not a psychotic ****tard like petegz28 or frazod, and he seems to be able to find appropriate outlets to vent his frustration of going so long without knowing what it's like to be a fan of any team who sustains success. His short, sarcastic posts, while making him appear bitter and self-loathing, do a good job of allowing him to be able to look at the truth squarely in the face without becoming too depressed. However, it's unknown if this is a good way of attaining satisfaction through the worst of times or if it's actually unhealthily building up layers of repression that will cause him to snap like a twig later in life. Time will only tell.
He's also the most obscure and possibly least respected of the old Horsemen of the Apo-Cassel-ypse. It's quite possible that he only joined because they other three needed a fourth person to hand out pamphlets about the dangers of drafting Aaron Curry, like when the original three Ghostbusters added the black guy to the team almost randomly in the middle of the movie. In a stunning twist, the black guy doesn't die, and DeezNutz is still finding creative ways to sarcastically bitch about Mizzou's basketball coach and Ned Yost. If I had to compare him to other posters, I'd say he's Rain Man's evil brother from south of the border.
I have great respect for all of my drafturbator friends, but because Deez is biggest sarcastic bitch of the bunch, I'm reminded that it's people like him whose selfishness has brought down the quality of the CP Mock Draft. His coattail-riding ass is part of the reason why Sfeihc acts like he owns the goddamn place and why chiefscafan is now a fully-fledged member. It's bad enough that we had to suck Saccopoo's dick to get him to join, only to have him continually tell us to politely **** off. So thanks for screwing your friends over, Deez. Because the Colts playoff loss drove people into mad fits of insanity for months, you want us to hang out with Mav for several weeks in March/April. Hope your time off was ****ing worth it.
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