Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Flopnuts
 Holy shit. |
Dude...****ing catheters.
It wasn't until nursing school that I fully realized how much the human penis varies in appearance. The worst penis I've ever seen belonged to a dude in his 90's. He was bedridden, couldn't speak, couldn't turn over, couldn't feed himself, and his penis resembled an uncooked bratwurst in which the tip had busted open and the meaty shit inside the bratwurst was all seeping out about an inch and a half down the bratwurst shaft and became all scabby looking due to being exposed to the air. The reason this guy's penis looked this way was because a freaking catheter was inserted into his penis so freaking often. Not to mention, I think the dude had a tendency to pull and tug on it, which caused a shitload of penile irritation. And one day at during nursing school, I had to insert a catheter into this guy's penis. Holy shit, did this look like a painful task (for him).
And to top things off. I knew this ****ing guy. And I hated his freaking guts. I hadn't seen him in 25 years, but my God I knew it was him, for I recognized that stupid face of his and remembered his name like the back of my freaking hand that I still wanted to smack his stupid face with. He was the grandfather of this kid who lived down the street from me in the neighborhood I grew up in until I was 7 years old. This guy used to pick on me when I was 5-7 years old. And I'm not talking playful teasing... this guy was freaking mean to me. And I didn't understand why I was being made fun of for I am the oldest child and never had to deal with an older sibling teasing me...I wasn't on the receiving end of that shit, so I didn't know how to react to being made fun of...and even if I did, this guy still pushed it to the level of being a dickbag.
I'd venture to my friend's house and if he'd be there, he'd be like, "hey look who it is, it's stupid!" I'd be like, "my name isn't stupid, my name is rico!!!" And he'd be like, "then why you wearing that stupid hat, stupid!!!" I'd be like, "this hat isn't stupid! My mom said this hat makes me look cute! It's not stupid!!!" The hat he referred to was this adjustable yellow John Deere hat with that foamy padding in the front. Old school farmer's hat. I loved that freaking thing...and I didn't know how to wear it correctly. I always adjusted it to where it was wayyy too big for my head...covering my ears and all. But hell, I was a 5 year old boy, for Pete's sake. I didn't need some 65 year old bag of ball gravy repeatedly calling me stupid and making fun of the hat I was wearing.
And he didn't stop there. Sometimes he would walk up to me and knock my hat off my head. Sometimes he would take it and throw it. Sometimes he would take it off my head and not let me have it back...and wouldn't give it back for like 20 minutes... and I'd be jumping up and down trying to take it back from him...all while he is telling me that I look stupid, jumping around like a little dumbass.
He pulled other shit too. This asshole, on a routine basis would tell me that he either killed my pet cats/dogs or was planning on killing my pet cats/dogs...which would devastate me. Then he would call me stupid for giving a shit about my pets.
At age 5-7, I was bullied by a guy in his freaking 60's. What a low-life douchebag this man was.
I would always come home crying after encountering him. If my mom was home, she'd be all non-chaulant and be like, "oh just ignore him. He's just teasing you." My dad was/is pretty crazy, especially when it comes to his kids...just a fearless dude...wrestling coach. Anyways, at that time, he wasn't home much for he was working two full time jobs...one in the day and one in the evening...so I didn't see him much until I was 8. When I got a chance to tell him though, he would stroll right on over to their house and probably strike fear into the dude's old balls...
But the ****er still kept bullying me. We ended up moving out of that neighborhood and into the country and on a horse/hay farm. A large part of what sparked this idea was some of the douche-canoes like him who resided in our old neighborhood.
So 25 years pass and I never saw this guy again until I was in nursing school and had to insert a catheter into his rough, busted bratwurst-looking penis. I'll remember putting a catheter in him as clear as day...and always will. His penis looked awful and I knew that no matter how "out of it" he was, putting a catheter in his dried up ground-beefy penis would hurt like a sonofabitch. The empathetic side of me probably would have felt bad for him, but due to the circumstances, the empathetic side of me momentarily ceased to exist while I was preparing and in the process of inserting his catheter. I followed the clinical steps to a tee and throughout entirety of the catheter insertion process, this old bag of shit yelped and wailed. He sounded like a raspy wolf that had just been hit by a truck and was twitching and quivering while laying at the side of the road, attempting to howl at the moon. Just pathetic.
Should I feel ashamed to admit this? While this old, immobile shitbag was in a penile-pain induced stupor, howling at the moon, I coaxed him through it by saying, "it's ok, you're doing great. Just a bit more and we're done. Hang in there, buddy!" However, what I was thinking went more like, "yeah, keep howling at the moon, ****face. Who is stupid now, you busted bratwurst-penised, bullying 5 year olds, pathetic piece of shit!?!? Squeal like a pig while you are at it and stay the **** down you stupid bitch!!!"
With that said, the worst looking penis I've ever seen happened to be the recipient of the only catheter I ever actually enjoyed inserting.
**** that douchebag.