Okay, I won't keep you all in suspense. Clay's roast was going to be a complete Star Trek episode script starring Captain W. (name withheld), in which he gets visited by Q and put on trial for being a giant asshole.
I got to the end of the opening scene and was like, "**** this." It took waay too much time just writing as much as I did, and I had so ****ing far to go.
I figure I owe everybody at least the work I had completed, so here it is. The Clay roast that isn't going to happen because ain't nobody got time for that.
Quote:
Captain’s log: Stardate 43982.2:
We are en route to meet a delegate from a species known as the S’Na-Rians, who prefer to learn about outsiders to their world by making contact with only one delegate at a time. I am the 101st representative of Starfleet to be bestowed that honor of representing the human species to them for their study.
[In his ready room, Captain W. (name withheld) looks in the mirror, clothed in his dress uniform, seeming to be dismayed by his slight weight gain. The door signal rings.]
W. (name withheld): Come! Ah, Counselor Simplyred, I wanted your opinion on these dress cuffs.
SIMPLYRED: Oh. I didn’t know you were looking to accessorize. You should have contacted me earlier.
W. (name withheld): Earlier? Counselor, I’ve already done the hard work of narrowing it down to two choices. I just can’t decide which one would be better for this sort of occasion.
SIMPLYRED: Those are the top two choices?
W. (name withheld): …Yes?
SIMPLYRED: [sighs out of frustration] Captain, I would prefer not to be held responsible for any offenses taken by the S’Na-Rians.
W. (name withheld): Is my sense of taste and refinement really that repulsive? This is but a tiny decorative choice I am making, and I want it to look good. Here. These dress cuffs. What do you think of them instead of the ones I’m wearing?
SIMPLYRED: [pauses to consider wording] They seem nice, Captain.
W. (name withheld): [gives Simplyred a glare] And here I thought empaths were aware of other people’s feelings…
LT. UHOOTRA: Bridge to Captain W. (name withheld)
W. (name withheld): Yes?
UHOOTRA: Admiral Flopnuts is on subspace. He wishes to speak with you.
W. (name withheld): Gladly. [glares at Simplyred again] Put it through in my ready room. Counselor, if you’ll excuse me. [exit Simplyred]
FLOPNUTS: Captain! Good to see you again.
W. (name withheld): It’s great to see you again as well, Admiral. What can I do for you?
FLOPNUTS: Captain, I have a question for you. Do you feel ready for this assignment?
W. (name withheld): Well, I believe so. Since being notified of this meeting, I have devoted my entire attention and effort towards ensuring successful contact with the S’Na-Rians.
FLOPNUTS: That’s not what I mean. Are you personally prepared for this assignment?
W. (name withheld): [pause] …I’m not sure what you’re asking. I already told you that…
FLOPNUTS: W. (name withheld), listen. You know what I’m talking about.
W. (name withheld): …Admiral?
FLOPNUTS: Alright, then I’ll be blunt about it. If your history in Starfleet is any indication of how well this mission will go, you’re not exactly the most suitable candidate for the job. We’ve known each other a long time, Clay, and I thought you deserved to know that I was very vocal to Starfleet against your selection for meeting the S’Na-Rians.
W. (name withheld): Admiral, if this is about me being a good representative for the Federation, I’ve been in command for several years now. Admiral Kloster knew what he was getting into when he welcomed me back. From that point on, my record has been exemplary, and all I’ve done is get promoted. Every high-ranking officer’s record has things in it that are causes for concern. And if I may be so blunt, you should know that as well as anyone.
FLOPNUTS: I don’t doubt your diplomatic abilities, Captain. All I’m saying is that for this assignment… please, I want you to watch yourself. Don’t get in too deep. Your mission is a simple “Hello” and a handshake. You don’t know what these aliens are capable of. I certainly didn't.
W. (name withheld): Admiral, is there something you know about the S’Na-Rians that you’re not telling me?
FLOPNUTS: Just… watch yourself, Clay. You’re a damn fine captain and an even better friend. I don’t want anything to happen to you. Starfleet out. [screen goes black]
W. (name withheld): [looks concerned] [music fade out]
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