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I returned to work today after 4.5 months off due to treatment and isolation. I have never felt such an overwhelming sense of dread and emptiness in my entire life.
The only time I've felt something similar is moving schools in third grade, going from a small, private school where multiple grades were in one classroom, to a traditional public school setting where I didn't know a single person in my class.
I think I've come to realize that I like the idea of what my job can be, but I have no taste for the minutiae of what is actually is. I feel even worse because they supported me while I was sick, and now that I'm back I feel like it's the last place in the world I want to be. I felt like that before I took leave, but I assumed that it was the stress of chemo and the uncertainty around COVID. Now I'm realizing that those were contributing factors, not causative.
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