18. Saccopoo
*KNOCK KNOCK*
Hello there! My name is Saccopoo, and I'm here to talk to you about the Good News of football programs in the Utah System of Higher Education.
Wait, wait, don't shut the door! I haven't given you a free copy of the Book of Mockdraft!
Well, yes, the Book of Mockdraft is very similar to Drafturbatity. We follow the same players, we both watch the combine, and it is the ultimate mortal goal of both of us to find as many great professional players as possible. But there are significant differences among us. You see, the Book of Mockdraft teaches us about the higher realm of existence intended for all draftable football players from Utah colleges and universities. They are all perfect emanations of God at their respective positions. And if you follow their college careers closely and believe in their boundless pro potential, you will also be bestowed eternal football greatness, only in the form of wisdom.
No, that's not all. We can't just let strangers into our sacred tabernacle. Before you can get to that point, you must reform yourself and your habits so that you are pure of spirit. This next part can get kind of confusing, because you'll be tempted to compare it to Drafturbatity and Truefanism. It is its own separate thing. You can learn more by checking out this free pamplet provided by the Church of Football Programs in the Utah System of Higher Education:
Quote:
--We believe in worthless things like all-conference honors and subjective national accolades in player evaluations. These items on a player's resume are just as if not more important than regular season statistics and combine numbers
--Speaking of which, when looking at combine numbers, we believe in obsessing over them if they support the profile of a Utah player
--We may find the same things to be sacred that Drafturbators do, but we believe that ever since that Phobia guy left Chiefs Planet, the forum has suffered from its splintering into sects and subforums and cliques. We are a return to the original Chiefs Planet from the time when friendly football conversation was the only thing people ever talked about. That means in order to lead a pure life, you do not participate in NFTs or threads from any subforum besides Draft Planet.
--Fatties are the key to eternal football enlightenment, and their prophet is Russell Okung, the greatest LT to ever live. He became a martyr in our religion when the Chiefs passed on him for Eric Berry because Satan tricked them into drafting Branden Albert two years prior, one of his horrid unholy demons.
--You are also required to buy into a batshit crazy football opinion cause annually and make that a tenant of your football message that you spread into the world. Me, personally? I'm claiming that Dontari Poe ****ing sucks, and all my Chiefs draft projections have them taking a NT with their 1st round pick. You're only required to believe this mind****ery for one year, though, so when the Chiefs end up passing on Geno Smith, you're allowed to never speak his name again and pretend that you were never delightfully fisted up to the elbow with Geno Mania.
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There are some other important things to discuss, but those can wait. For now, you should really read the Book of Mockdraft. In order to believe that the best football in the country is played in the state of Utah, you must KNOW about why the best draft picks every year come from Utah!
So if you're interested, please join us in the Draft Forum next week for our mock draft updates! Each mock selection includes a picture of the player! Some of the pictures are even the super homoerotic ones where the player is stripped down to his Underarmor while he does an ultra hard-core super tough flaming gay pouty face! Also, we have free cookies and juice!
Have a nice day!