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Kind of a mod
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Donkey Land
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Here ya go. A mod should be able to easily copy and paste this into the OP. I wasn't sure what to do with Direckshun's roast of SNR, so I threw it in in the sequence it appeared.
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33. Guru
Spoiler!
Born Joshua Ezra Weinstein in 1971 to parents who were both accountants, he's always had an interest and passion for saving money. Car, house, you name it. He even realized that under his former username, "KCChiefsguru," he was losing a entire thousandths of a cent per year on the added energy costs that it took his computer to input "KCChiefs" every time he signed in to Chiefs Planet. So he shortened it to just "Guru." There's more, too! Once when he was in college, he saved some pocket change by just borrowing another dude's gym shorts so he didn't have to do a separate load of laundry to prevent a stench in his dorm room.
This turned in a new obsession for Guru: using other people's old gym shorts. At first he just did it to feel special in unique, but as he began collecting, he enjoyed the array of styles and amount of wear that each pair could present. Hobby turned fetish.
He now combines his passions: money and used gym shorts. With the help of his (business) partner Bugeater, Guru operates a small internet business selling used gym shorts to people. It's a dream come true for him-- he not only gets to make money, but he also gets to sample before the merchandise goes to the customers.
He's a nice guy. Just don't ever ask to borrow money unless you're fine with a higher-than-average interest rate.
One puzzling thing, however, is why he always seems to keep his distance from Rausch. It's like he's distrustful or fearful for some reason. I have no clue what that could be about.
32. PGM
Spoiler!
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF PGM
05:30- I woke up. Went to the bathroom. Urine was an odd shade of purple. Need to make a mental note to call the urologist after I update the OP of the roast thread on Chiefs Planet
06:30- Breakfast! Ate the rest of the leftover bologna and cheese sandwiches from dinner last night. Had some time to dust the clear plastic cases containing my pro wrestling action figure collection before work. Didn't update the OP.
07:15- Left for work. Camaro looked positively radiant this morning in the garage.
07:45- Arrived at work. Heard a co-worker in the hall talk about Kansas basketball. Addressed the situation by reminding co-worker that he is a "beaker." Walked back to my desk with a triumphant look on my face. That showed him!
08:05- Logged onto Chiefs Planet. Checked out the new posts from last night about food smokers. Laughed at a fart joke posted by bevischief. Didn't update the OP.
08:30- Got a PM from the list maker of some new names to send to SNR. Sent them along, but didn't write them accurately, leaving SNR to frustratingly have to look up each name on the member list to get the correct numbers after the name as well as making sure that some names with spaces didn't have underscores. Continued to browse Chiefs Planet on company time, blissfully unaware of the huge waste of time it is for SNR to have to look all those names up just so he can write a goddamn roast about them. Didn't update the OP.
08:42- Had an overwhelming feeling that I'm more important than I actually am to this Top 101 Poster thread. I'm totally clueless and don't really realize that I'm actually ****ing worthless to this project. If I actually thought about it, I would reflect and discover that my one role in the production of these roasts is to serve as a middleman that makes getting the new names from the list maker more inefficient than it really should be. It could be incredibly easy to just hook SNR up with the ****ing listmaker, badda bing badda boom, let the good times roll. Nope, I've got a ****ing job to do. It's very important! And I'm only talking about the job that I actually take seriously... my one ****ing job that has VALUE to the thread and to this project... just ONE ****ing job... is to take a roast that SNR or another roaster puts out and paste it into the OP of the thread. That's it. That's ****ing it. I'm on the goddamn ball whenever writes a roast. I'm there to advertise the new roasts and leave comments to get people talking about them. Wouldn't it be ****ing easy at that point, where after I've read the roast, to just edit the OP and copy and paste it right ****ing there just MOMENTS after the roast is published? I wouldn't have to bitch like Phobia on one of his "Modding's harder than you think!" periods. "I have to look back pages and pages to find all these roasts?! I have a life, you know!" Guess what? SO DOES ****ING SNR! GOD, SHUDDER TO THINK HOW LONG IT TAKES HIM TO NOT ONLY COME UP WITH SOME OF THIS SHIT BUT ALSO TYPE IT OUT IN A WAY THAT IS NOT ONLY COHERENT BUT ALSO LOGICALLY FUNNY! He's a lucky son of a bitch. He doesn't have to update the OP like I do. I'm a ****ing Chiefs Planet hero is what I am. I'm doing this solely for the entertainment of hundreds of loyal Chiefs fans who just want a distraction to all the pain and misery that Kansas City sports has caused them over the years. When I feel like it, I will give them a clean and updated OP! The sun must shine out my ****ing ass! I'm not going to approach this insanely simple task efficiently and promptly, I'm going to make a big fat ****ing deal out of updating a simple ****ing OP of a goddamn thread to make people think I'm important! I'm PGM! I started this thread and made it impossible for SNR to just edit the ****ing OP himself! I even ****ed him over just by joining this ****ing place as PGM and ripping off the 3-letter username that he had championed for YEARS before I ****ing knew what Chiefs Planet even was! YOU LUCKY BASTARDS DON'T KNOW HOW GOOD I HAVE IT OR THE BURDEN THAT I BEAR BRINGING YOU THIS KIND OF QUALITY ****ING ENTERTAINMENT! ... Went back to work, didn't update the OP.
16:40- Almost time to clock out, so I checked up on Chiefs Planet once more before I hit the road. Somebody called Clay a virgin, and it was so funny that I blew hot coffee out my nose. Monitor's kind of dirty, but I'll just hope the janitor cleans the computer monitors. Didn't update the OP.
17:25- While stuck in traffic, I thought of different themes that everybody could change their names to that would be hilarious. We already did wrestlemania. That was probably the coolest moment of my life. The meatball thing is kind of funny, but it's not as popular. Hmm... blue collar comedy tour? Crazycoffey always kind of reminded me of Jeff Foxworthy. I think this has potential to add burst! Thought about updating OP when I got home
19:00- After dinner, watched quality television programming on CBS, America's most watched network!
21:45- Went to bed. My last thought before drifting asleep was that I forgot to update the OP. Oh well. Had a pleasant dream that Knowmo wasn't a ****tarded bitch and a terrible human being who rapes dogs. In my dream he actually did what he said he would do and stayed away from Chiefs Planet the entire year, sweetening even more the single good thing I have brought to Chiefs Planet in almost 10 years of posting.
31. MOhillbilly
Spoiler!
This is a tricky one. I can't make fun of his career, since htismaqe already did that with Hog Farmer. You can also only make so many sheep sex jokes over the course of 101 roasts. And he doesn't swing by here as often as he should anymore, unfortunately.
That's why I'm calling in the big guns for this one.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a special guest for the roast of MOhillbilly. We all know him, and he's a cherished and dear friend of MOhillbilly's. Please welcome... REDRUM!
MOhillbilly's mother is like this thread. The same lonely dudes visit her every night, have a good time, and then forget about her when they go to work the next morning.
She's also a lot like rico. She surrounds herself with strange men from the internet, bitches when they don't please her, and takes a pill every morning to help her with her job.
Come to think of it, I think MOMhillbilly has a lot in common with Mr_Tomahawk. She gets 7-year old Malaysian children to make her happy, has a thing for tall southerners, and people think she looks like John C. Reilly.
MOhillbilly's mom should really get a Chiefs Planet account. She'd fit right in here, because she also needs to lose weight, loves spanking, and wants everybody to try her open-faced tuna sandwich.
30. Sorter
Spoiler!
FOAR EVERYWUN FRUM SORTER
OK hai. My name is Soooorter and um it's been a while since I made a new post. So I decided that because of recent events that I could say hi, k?. And um so yeah so let's just start off by getting a couple things straight.
I don't do furries... mm mmh! No, I know that Direckshun thinks that I do furries, but I don't, actually. That's just Direckshun being bad at roasting people. And I actually don't like My Little Pony either, ahh hehehe, which is funny to me. Ummmm yeah. And then another one would be ummm. I provided you with a couple posts. Ummmm ahh such as like, like the one where I'm like mmm and it says, "Mon ami!" which is weird because I don't actually speak French. And like and and then like you peoples were all like, "YOU IS TROLLIN!" and I was like "I AM NOT TROLLING!! I AM SORTER YOU SEE! Mm!"
And then there was the one where I held up a sign and it said "Sorter plus Loki equals LOOOVE," and that's true, it's a very true statement, I love him. He's mischievous and either gay or British, but I can't really tell. And umm and then uhh bup bup buhbuh, OH there was another one that um, that I actually didn't possst... but umm... it's out there... cuz uh some of you guys found the MOB, and I'm all like crafty. And uhm and it's one where I like where I'm like "ihh" and it says several different things such as like I love Mike Glennon, and stuff and umm it actually never said that, it said I love Geno Smith, which is one of my old draft takes, uhh oh, but by the way, I'm not really that much of a Geno guy anymore, I moved on to bigger and better things, such as umm, things that I mentioned in another post that made me not stop by CP as much anymore, hah!
Umm... Ahh, Black Bob! The Chiefs run a 3-4 defense, and that's their only defense, with three down linemen and other subsets where certain guys come in and out, drop back, or stay on the line and blitz, umm and like the 3-3-5??? That's a not a real defense! WE DON'T RUN IT! I can't believe Black Bob believes that! Who actually thinks about coverage concepts like that?! Not ME!
Umm... and, so, yeah, and um, let's see here. And then, um, um I was in a thread and uh this guy was like, "Sorter, I think ocelots are cool, like in Archer." And I was like, "I love that show!" Because I do! Have you ever seen that show? It's like AMAZING, and like um, and so then um I uh I just wanted to say to that guy who likes ocelots I love you, and I want to hold your hand. And also um, uh, Hootie, I guess, I don't even know who you are, exactly. Uhbububuuhh, my ocelot thread is still there if you want to check it out.
But umm, let's see here ahh, soo, I had a lot of replies from like my posts. Or, not a lot a guess, that's a little... much I guess. And um, uh, mmm, I dunno. What else is there to say. Milkman... yeah Milkman the guy who sat for like six hours straight addressing my thoughts on the offensive line in Andy Reid's offense? Uh, thank you, I suppose. Um, but uh yeah, this, I don't think I should answer, it would ruin the mystique, you guys? Umm, and then um, bububuh, I dunno, really, huh. I haven't posted all that much lately, because it's a really big pain the butt to search for all those gifs and put them in my own database. And I'm like urr hurr, and um and now I'm just like good with not posting the same argument over and over so I'm good. And um yeah and so I love you guys, a lot. I really like, rawrawrawr status, like seriously like rawr like ocelots rawr and um I think that's about it. Byeee.
29. Direckshun
Spoiler!
Welcome to the LNBS Lounge, where tonight Direckshun is the guest of honor.
These threads usually go one of two ways depending on the topic. If it's a football thread, Direckshun will lay out a detailed and well-considered blueprint or opinion that begins with something reasonable like, "The Chiefs need to get better secondary help" and will devolve into crazy bullshit such as, "Kurt Coleman is going to be the key to a successful playoff run at the playoffs." If it's a non-football topic, he'll project his real life cosplay interests into the discussion parameters. For example, he'll pretend to be a bartender who listens to your problems. Or he'll be the engineer of a magical train that will take you back to any moment in your life that you'd most like to re-live.
Tonight we're not doing either of those things. We're going to skip his stupid folksy-nouveau way of conversing, where you call a random stranger "my brother" or say "swing and a miss" when people say something that doesn't line up.
Tonight we're going to rape Direckshun. He seems like a nice person, but he frustrates us all in so many special and varied ways. I'd like us to share those Direckshun moments with each other, whatever they may be.
Since I'm supposed to be roasting him, I'll go first. Feel free to share as much or as little as you want.
1. Direckshun talks like a ****ing weirdo
Usually shows up as a symptom when involved in a political conversation with a surly opponent. He talks to the guy like he's a character from a Homestar Runner cartoon who is physically in the same room as the person he's talking to. "Pete. Pete. Listen to me. Stop saying words." He's also awful at insults, even just as playful jabs. I think he once said, "SNR eats whale dung." That's weird.
2. Direckshun never fights back
Direckshun is great for this forum in many ways because he generates content and conversation, especially in football matters. He's like a bad-tasting oral laxative when CP is having trouble passing football topics onto the front page. But he's got his share of dumb ideas, and he has plenty of people like Clay who will mercilessly tear into him even when it's not warranted. Milkman calls him a dumbass. How does Direckshun respond? "Hoho, you're probably right. I CAN get carried away with my mocks, can't I? I'll take your advise and shut the **** up next time!" He won't defend his idea politely or even leave a nice little "Blow me."
3. From the tone of his posts, you can tell that he's a stupid hipster
I've never read a Direckshun post where I couldn't smell the PBR stench in the wifi that transmitted it to my computer screen. Every time he writes something, it's got that shitty subtley ironic tone. The dolphin wearing a helmet thread? I actually like that thread. I love comedic false outrage threads. But when Direckshun does it, he somehow makes it... trendy. I could see him and his shitty beard (come on, you just KNOW he ****ing has one) trying to start some Rob Schneider catch phrase around the office or wherever the **** he works. "Because we're the Chiefs." It's even worse now because he's got all of YOU ****ing saying it. Now whenever he posts some awful shitty prediction, as long as it's glass-half-empty, he can say "Because we're the Chiefs" to justify it, and everybody will go along with it.
That's all I got for now. When I think of more, I'll post them and update this OP, because that's something easy and quick that I can do for any person who might enjoy this thread.
(28?). SNR
Spoiler!
I need you to listen up, my friend. And I need you to listen up good.
Take a moment to put down your World's Greatest Music Teacher coffee mug. For once in your life, stop teaching some wayward, impressionable youth that singing falsetto isn't gay, and pay attention to me.
You are a pawn.
This whole time, you thought you were the one in control. You thought that because you happened to be driving the entirety of the creative momentum in this thread, that you mattered in the grand scheme of things. That your efforts somehow elevated your standing among Those In Power.
You were wrong, mother****er. You were ****ing wrong.
It turns out, in a M. Night Shamylanian twist, that you were being used like a two dollar whore this whole time. PGM personally sought to it that every crevice of your creative id was penetrated for our pure pleasure. We were never laughing with you, asshole. We were laughing at you.
Doesn't that just encapsulate your life, now that you think about it? All this time, pouring immense amounts of hard work for no discernible gain, and doing it because you thought we would all enjoy it? Could you be that big of a fool?
Possibly. I wouldn't put it past a guy with a Terrance Copper fetish. Hell, I'm sure PGM was pulling those strings too, somehow. Because he's just that good. And you're just that much of a tool.
You're starting to realize it, aren't you. Do you feel used?
Do you feel like PGM has attached invisible strings to your elbows and fingertips, manipulating you like a marionette? Well you're not wrong, but you're still far from the truth. You are, in fact, a pawn of PGM's ingenius manipulation, but because it's PGM, he is actually controlling you in the gayest way possible: his arm is buried up your ass to the elbow, and he is making you say his dirty words while he drinks a glass of water. Everybody applauds, and you get to go back in the toybox thinking you're a real boy.
I sincerely hope this isn't ****ing with your head too bad. Try sticking a thumbtack in your neck to assure yourself that you can still feel. Just don't use anything larger or greater, because this country's healthcare system is ****ing ****ed up.
Who the hell tries to turn a NECESSARY system of care that you NEED to SURVIVE into a free market boondoggle? All we end up doing is PAYING for services WE HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO REQUIRE FOR OUR CONTINUED EXISTENCE.
For instance, let's just say something is having a ****ing baby. Congratulations asshole, now you have to pay $900 before the baby is born, and then likely have another $1000 pay for the hospital stay afterwards. Why? Because you got pregnant. Forget that it's actually a NECESSARY SERVICE FOR THE CONTINUED EXISTENCE OF THE HUMAN RACE. IT COSTS THOUSANDS, SO PAY THE **** UP.
This is why we should just do single payer. Single payer would give poor people better treatment, and save everybody else money -- except of course for the fortunate wealthy, who will STILL continue to have a higher quality of life but are going to be thuper therial that they can't bid on an antique umbrella holder at that auction next week.
Goddamn it. Just god ****ing damn it. I ****ing told rico this would ****ing happen.
**** it. Just ****ing **** it.
28. Bearcat
Spoiler!
You know who's a really cool guy?
Slayer Diabolo. You remember that guy? I sure ****ing remember that guy.
For those who need a reminder, I was trying to track down the original picture that floated around years and years ago of his creepy virgin grin, pointed nose, and forming widow's peak at the tender age of 15. All I got through Google was this photoshop from a previous thread, which will have to do.
I always felt bad that we gave him so much shit just for being a teenager, as if none of us were ever moody douchebaggy Holden Caulfields at any point in our teenage years. Slayer certainly was a rebel without a cause... only without the cool car and the ladies. We seemed to have this obsession with making his forum life miserable, which is disappointing because I think we were only doing it to make up for all the douchebaggery we brought into the world when we were his age.
But I think a positive to take away from all of this is that Slayer nevertheless kept his cool through all the ribbings. He wanted to be a doctor or something like that? I have no doubt if that's what he really wanted to do after his high school career finished, he probably made it happen. Smart guy. Well, smarter than about 60% of the people who post here, anyway.
Anybody know if he has any family? A brother or something like that? He seemed like a loved individual and probably had a great older brother to get him as far as he did in life while he was presiding over his proud post as a Chiefs Planet star.
To Slayer Diabolo!
27. BigRedChief
Spoiler!
BigRedChief seems nice. Actually from Planeteer reports he IS nice.
That's why it always seemed bizarre as shit that THIS guy was the ****ing secret agent.
Stranger things have happened, sure. Baby Lee is a lawyer who watches TV all day. I'm an organist. Discuss Thrower is a super-intelligent hobo with no job. But we're supposed to believe that BigRedChief is actually the asshole who gets to say, "If I told you what my job was, I'd have to kill you"?!
The dude who probably says shit like "hunky-dory" and hangs out with people like gblowfish has a top secret government job? The dude with the ****ing cooler fetish is an actual ****ing James Bond? The guy who grows his popularity on the internet by running "The Academy" has enough power and influence among world leaders to make Dane cream his pants in fear?!
Hey, the Royals are winning playoff games these days. Anything is fair game, I suppose. Maybe he's more Johnny English than he is James Bond. That's gotta be it.
26. Phobia
Spoiler!
One night on the KC Star Farm the animals grew restless and tired of the rigid posting rules and frequent bannings, so they got together to find a new place to graze and waste entire hours of the work day. First to the meeting were the two cart-horses, frazod and tommykat, who came in together, walking very slowly and setting down their vast hairy hoofs with great care lest there should be some small animal concealed in the straw. Tommykat was a stout motherly mare approaching old age, who had never quite got her figure back after her fourth foal, or her incident with the washing machine. Frazod was an enormous beast, nearly eighteen hands high, and as fat as any two ordinary horses put together. A white stripe down his nose gave him a somewhat stupid appearance, and in fact he was not of first-rate intelligence, but he was universally respected for his steadiness of character and tremendous drunken temper. After the horses came JOhn, the white goat, and Milkman, the donkey. Milkman was the oldest animal on the farm, and the worst tempered. He seldom talked, and when he did, it was usually to make some cynical remark — for instance, when most people were encouraged by the Vermeil hire, he'd preach Carl Peterson platitudes about defense and experienced clutch QBs. Alone among the animals on the farm he never laughed. If asked why, he would say that he saw nothing to laugh at.
The new farm was to be called Chiefs Planet, and it was decided the job of moderating and organizing the others fell naturally upon the pigs, who were generally recognised as being the cleverest of the animals. Pre-eminent among the pigs was a young boar named Phobia, who was a large, rather fierce-looking Berkshire boar, not much of a talker, but with a reputation for getting his own way. All the other male pigs on the farm were porkers. The best known among them was a small fat pig named KCJohnny, with very round cheeks, twinkling eyes, nimble movements, and a shrill voice. He was a brilliant talker, and when he was arguing some difficult point he had a way of skipping from side to side and whisking his tail. The others said of KCJohnny that he could turn black into white.
The pigs got together and drew up a set of five commandments that would govern the basis for being an animal of Chiefs Planet Farm. They were:
1. Whoever is from the KC Star Farm and other Chiefs farms is an enemy
2. Whatever is fat, bald and/or has a goatee is a friend
3. All threads belong in one giant farm
4. No animal shall post racist shit
5. All animals are equal
The farm soon prospered and attracted other animals. Each animal posted and entertained as it could to its own ability. Political conversations were had, and because the pigs were Chiefs Planet animals, nobody was banned for that reason. It seemed to be the perfect solution for all animals.
As prosperity grew, some old friends from KC Star Farm would occasionally show up, and according to the commandments, they were treated with hostility. Denise the rat, attracted to the droppings of some of the larger animals, decided to make a home in a corner of the barn. She was soon joined by Tom Cash, the reeruned turkey. As the dogs and cats grew irate with Denise, she took refuge in the straw of the pigs, believing that they would protect her. Htismaqe and KCWolfman always ceased the attacks, refusing to remove her from the farm, which would violate the commandments and the very reason for Chiefs Planet Farm's existence.
However, one day the animals woke up to find that Phobia, the leader of the pigs and protector of the animals, had changed something:
All threads belong in one giant farm, except for political topics.
The explanation was that it was in the interest of all parties to separate topics that people didn't want to see and as a result, the posters that people didn't want to engage. By doing this, Phobia was PRESERVING Chiefs Planet, not ruining it. The animals stopped giving a shit and then went on with their business.
Some animals grew wary of Phobia and the pigs. They knew that bannings sometimes had to happen as protection against spammers and cockroaches like Go Chiefs, but nevertheless shuddered to think about the ban being used on one of them.
Phobia's obsession with popularity and power influenced the animals of Chiefs Planet. A boar with a boring life who builds decks for a living couldn't be that cool, but then they saw his post count and self-deprecating sense of humor and changed their minds. Many animals had met Phobia’s sow, and thought it was cool that they could make jokes about having sex with her to feel better about themselves. They came to see Phobia as the most powerful of the pigs, which was blown off by others like Luzap and Bob Dole, but the sexual tension was clearly present in the daily pig meetings at the mud pile.
Several years later, another farm was developed not far from Chiefs Planet. Farmer Nick was in charge of those animals, mostly sheep, and it proved to turn a very nice profit. Every month Farmer Nick would collect $89 worth of wool from the sheep and in return upgraded their food to a fancier brand called “Premium Content.” In truth, Premium Content was nothing more than garbage and leftover scraps, but the wool payment some how made it taste better. The animals at Chiefs Planet knew the truth about Farmer Nick and his Premium Content, so of course they viewed themselves as superior to his Warpaint Farm. The pigs joined in on the berating of Warpaint Farm, for they really did see it along with the other animals as nothing more than a lie.
One day Phobia announced that he had reached an agreement with Farmer Nick to moderate the daily activity at Warpaint Farm, since they had no pigs and no means of creating interest and activity in the farm apart from the original sheep that lived there. People questioned his decision, but he reminded them of the very first commandment. He showed it to them, which appeared to have been altered to: Whoever is from the KC Star Farm and other Chiefs farms is an enemy, except for pigs.
The days without Phobia resulted in a loss of burst at Chiefs Planet Farm. More animals kept joining, but the older animals who were a part of the original revolution were content to keep to themselves and stay out of the activity. New pigs were born and trained for protecting Chiefs Planet.
It wasn’t until Phobia returned years later, claiming to be more enlightened than ever before and having the animals believe that Chiefs Planet is the greatest farm of them all. The animals all thought to themselves, “Yeah, no ****ing shit you moron,” but nevertheless accepted him back anyway as one of their own. Since Phobia’s departure, he looked at the commandments and saw that the pigs in charge had added 73 new ones, which included ridiculous things like, “Animals can swear, but only if they spell the word correctly.”
Phobia aggressively took control. The young boars like Mr. Flopnuts and Bearcat became his new henchmen, and the old crew of porkers like htismaqe and KCWolfman were gone. Frazod had worked for YEARS on Chiefs Planet farm, happily allowing his prejudice towards Mexicans to shine through in his daily musings, when the pigs couldn't decide how to interpret the fourth commandment. Citing a range of issues with the farm’s collective personality, Phobia immediately set to work banning loyal animals like frazod and anybody who saw what a tyrant he had become. Their arguments against Phobia were met with silence from the other pigs when they saw that all of the commandments had been removed and replaced with just one:
All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others
25. ChiefsCountry
Spoiler!
This name is now the first one of the top 25. We're nearing the end of this thing, so if a borderline name hasn't been called yet, now is the time. After making two moderator selections in the last three picks, with one of them being a legend and central figure in the history of Chiefs Planet, the Listmaker has a lot of pressure on him going into the first selections of the Top 25.
This guy has some great numbers. He's got a join date of January 2004, so he's been a member for 10 years, and forum experience is something that this listmaker really values when making his picks. Nearly 29,000 posts, good for a 7.31 ppd average, and most of those posts were in football threads in tough and dicey discussions. He's a 7-time participant in the CP Mock Draft and draft master for two of those years. I was at those two drafts personally, and I saw some REALLY good OP updates that were prompt and accurate. That's a skill that not enough observers talk about, but I can assure you that listmakers everywhere are taking note of their background and success in that area. You've got a poster in PGM, an otherwise consistent lock for the top 20 getting picked much earlier, and it's probably due to his deficiencies in OP updating that had him dropping on a lot of boards.
That's a pretty damn good resume, but this guy isn't without a lot of question marks especially when he's being considered for the top 25. For one, his post lengths leave a lot to be desired. Compared to some posters like Sorter, OnTheWarpath58, and Direckshun who went before him, the length in his football posts is too brief too often with not enough detail. Good usage of stats to make his arguments, but hardly any follow-up analysis is ever provided. A solid career post rate and post count is always nice, but you also have to go back and watch the threads to see how successful you can be if you get in a back-and-forth with the guy. You see a volley of 1 or 2 points, then he disappears to let others make his arguments for him.
There also just isn't much flash to him. He's all about business, which can be good, because he sticks to the facts and not the factions, but there's never any humor. In the minds of a lot of fans of this top 101 countdown, that indicates a lack of burst, and could potentially lead to long periods of absence, where he gets tied down with his job or family and doesn't have time for Chiefs Planet. That's just fine if we're talking ranks 50, 60, or 70, but 25th? Taking a giant leap there.
That being said, if history is any indication, this is a classic listmaker pick. You can do worse than a solid and loyal long-time contributor who can help drive football talk and even dabble in the NBA, MLB, and NHL on the side. Even if it's a bit crazy to see him this high, it's definitely better late than never, I suppose.
With the 76th selection in the 2014 Top 101 CP Posters list, the Listmaker selects Chiefs Country, Drafturbator, somewhere in the Ozarks(?)
24. Buck
Spoiler!
Seriously, just come out of the closet, already, Buck. We know you're one of us.
You just like the music and the atmosphere at Chiefs Planet, eh? Dudes buy you drinks at Chiefs games and give you compliments on your weight loss? The Media Center is just better here than it is on any Charger forums? Well guess what buddy, we're getting really ****ing tired of you ducking us like this.
You're one of us. You don't believe your team will ever win a Super Bowl. You don't get angry or sad when your team loses, you just get numb? That's Chiefs fan behavior, dude, and we invented that shit long before Norv Turner grew his first cancerous zit on his neck. We know you want to feel better about the agonizing Charger losses when you post those threads of yours, but it's all an excuse to allow your inner petegz28 to express itself.
Ever thought why this gay bar makes you feel so welcome? Ever analyze that you hang out with your Chiefs Planet "friends" at Arrowhead games instead of other visiting Charger fans?
We've been patient with you. We've let you rack up a bunch of records in our now non-existant games forum. We let you play CP Survivor. We even hooked you up with Clay's fine ass for a modest fee. But it's time to be honest with us and yourself.
So consider this a ****ing intervention. Come out now as a Chiefs fan or drink an AIDS martini.
And for ****'s sake, just eat a goddamn candy bar. It's not going to kill you, and you might cheer the **** up for once instead of worrying about bullshit pseudo-medicine.
23. Demonpenz
Spoiler!
I am the man everybody says 'i may not agree with him but i would by him a beer anytime'
It may seem like im not so smart becuase i troll a lot but there are a ton of grate historical figures who seemed not very smart but actually were genious such as hairy Trueman, Jamaal Charles, and gary glitter
Id like to thank all of chiefsplanet for this wonderful ranking including SNR for the roast Phobia for making this all possible and rico and timbone for getting excited when interest was down because there lives suck. Also id like to thank my loyal fans and readers. Without you I wouldnt be writing for anybody but id probably still be employed because the internet loves that lady who rights review of the Olve Garden. Also thank you to pestilence and congratulations on you're upcoming retirement. I hope you enjoy spending time doing the important things in life like spending time with family, going golfing, and ****ing yourself.
God bless america. Long live the mcrib.
Demonpenz is a sportswriter and execution editor for the Atchison Times.
22. Cochise
Spoiler!
The proud and honorable Apache leader Cochise was a great warrior who stood for justice and integrity in spite of the atrocities committed against his family and people by the Mexican and American governments. Therefore, it's only fitting that his memory get cheapened by a boring average middle-aged white Republican dude on the internet. Next thing you know, frazod will come back and ask his username to be changed to Dietrich ****ing Bonhoeffer.
Cochise (Hard Rock Cafe shirt, not feather) is a unique add to this Best Posters of 2014 list because he came back to CP this very year after taking several years off to rest his wounded and tired vagina, probably over the usual reasons-- "Too negative... too much name-calling... Hamas made an obscure literary reference in a QB thread... yadda yadda." He's ranked this high because he's pretty much Alex Smith-- doesn't post anything too flashy, doesn't lead any conversations, and is diligent about not making any mistakes or ruffling any feathers so that when people talk about his merits as a poster, the first thing they say is, "I really like Cochise the person, and he does some great things as a poster, but..."
And those are all the jokes I've got. Sorry. Unspectacular posters get unspectacular roasts. Get Cochise to throw downfield more often and take fewer sacks, and we'll see where we're at with him in 2015.
Until then, Cochise just missed another wide open chance at a creative insult that most top posters make 10 times out of 10. All because he was checking down to an Obama thread in the DC forum.
21. DaFace
Spoiler!
It's pretty obvious to all but the most loyal of citizens that Chiefs Planet has had an AWFUL history when it comes to its moderators. I mean, good ****ing lord, you remember that ZACH was a goddamn mod at one point? And it wasn't just for a joke, either. He was a mod for like a good 2 years. You also have Luzap and JazZzZzlovr who only stopped by once a year to check the mousetraps and say "Merry ****ing Christmas, assholes." And Logical (God rest his soul) was brilliant, but he was far more about the bread and circuses and less about getting the job done. Do we really recall when he took his turn throwing Marlboro into the dumpster? No. Do we remember when he abused Clay by ****ing with him like Bugs Bunny did to Daffy Duck? Yes. Yes we do.
So whenever Napoleon Phobia rapes the wheatfields with his blighted penis, it's the same garbage we always hear. "DaFace was the best." "DaFace was prompt with action." "DaFace never abused his power." "DaFace got me a new phone and paid my mortgage!"
Seriously?
For ****'s sake people, DaFace was practically a n00b when he got administrative duties. Parking Rain Man's Beemer, fetching him coffee, and waiting for the moment when Rain Man told him he could stop eating his cat's fresh turds straight out of the litter box are hardly fitting qualifications for this job. Vlad the Impaler also started off as a sex slave for depraved maniacs, and look how he ****ing turned out!
Do I have to ****ing remind you people that he's the goddamn monster who took your tags away? Do you think Logical would have done that? No, he wouldn't. Logical would have kept the tags. Do you think Mr. Flopnuts would have banned tags? Of course he ****ing wouldn't. We all know he loved to use tags! Do you think htismaqe would have taken your tags away? Depends on the time of the month, I suppose, but still!
Yeah, the whole draft day tradition to "bring back tags" was DaFace's idea. Are you really that ****ing stupid? Just because he's doing work doesn't mean he's a great mod for crying out loud. He just couldn't put up with the bitching, so he "mercifully" hands back the needles and shoelaces to the heroin addicts but only temporarily. Looks really ****ing great, doesn't it? Yeah, he's certainly got you all fooled. DaFace is a goddamn hero on draft day! He's stole our candy, but at least we're getting back the tiny niblet Tootsie Rolls!
DaFace can suck MaDick.
20. tk13
Spoiler!
tk13 is the 2nd worst thing to ever happen to this forum. The first is Deberg.
I'm not sure why I signed off when PGM put him on the list in the first place. Think about whom I could be roasting right now instead of tk13.
Daru. I could be roasting Daru. That would be hella fun.
mylonsd? You bet. Don't think I've run out of middle-aged old and boring midwesterner jokes yet. There are plenty more of those. Trust me.
Taco John. Good **** people, I could be roasting Taco John right now. Do you know how much material that guy has? Endless amounts. He's responsible for so many of CP's colloquialisms and literary memes; he's the Bill Shakespeare of Chiefs Planet! Christ, the man invented the "I'm leaving forever thread!" Imagine how hard it would be to **** up a Taco John roast! It's impossible. tk13 could probably write a decent Taco John roast. That's how easy it would be.
I can't remember a damn funny thing tk13 has ever posted. Hell, I can barely remember anything he's posted at all. Once upon a time I mentioned that I like Gordon Lightfoot, and so he would occasionally post The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald in response to something I said. No, I don't know why. Maybe he thought it was funny, or maybe he was flirting with me. I don't care, really. That's the only thing I remember him posting.
Here's another Taco John word of the day for you all: burst. As in tk13 has none. He didn't lose it, though, and that's because he never had any to begin with. No legendary feuds. No awesome photoshops, material, manifestos, or a ****ing MS Paint drawing. No football or sports takes he's forever known for. Nobody can name anything he likes or dislikes. He's not a true fan, and he's not a drafturbator. He's always just chilling out in the background posting the most gripping shit you ever ****ing read like, "It's only Week 4. The Chiefs aren't out of the playoff hunt yet." He doesn't even post in the DC forum. He doesn't even have a personality. He's just barely halfway pleasant all the time. Never angry, happy, excited, scared, horny, insane, drunk, or stoned. His username is boring as ****-- just two letters and a two-digit number. Yeah, I know what you're saying, "Look who's talking, guy with three letters." Do you know how many times people have tried to figure out what SNR stands for? Have you EVER wondered what the deal was with tk13's name? And if you did, how long did it take you to shrug your shoulders and forget that you cared?
The man hasn't ever had an avatar. Not once in 13 years. That's how ****ing unremarkable his 35,000+ posts have been on CP.
I know I already used boring smaque on Cochise, but I would have saved my semen if I knew that tk13 was going to be on board.
I'll tell you what. Let's add some burst right now. You know that international society that will pay you a gajillion dollars if you prove one of these seven math proofs? We'll do that here. You guys go find some ACTUAL dirt that I could be roasting tk13 on right now besides the fact that there is none, and I'll write a roast about anybody on this forum. You pick. Your worst enemy, your best friend, or the weirdest ****er you can think of. It will be a special project that you commissioned by solving the unsolveable-- finding a legitimate long-lasting contribution that tk13 has made to ANY living breathing asshole in this cesspool of a forum.
Go.
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