35. Fire Me Boy!
Whatcha guys making tonight?
My wife's been working really hard lately and work has been stressing her out. I decided to do something nice tonight and make her favorite dish-- Fire Me Boy! flambé over an AIDS salad.
You'll need:
1 fresh douchebag, bone in
8 oz. all-natural hipster semen
1 can of Laz menstruation
2 scoops of gay
salt
pepper
Now, the tricky part is you gotta have a high-quality douchebag to pull this meal off correctly. If you want to be lazy by going to Walmart and picking up frozen LA Chieffan or even CoMoChief, be my guest, but don't blame me when your douchebag gets over-reeruned. The problem with frozen douchebags is that the stocking process dries out the fat and bald goatee cells, leaving no natural juices or flavors to circulate throughout the douchebag during the roasting process. Your douchebag should be fresh, white-skinned, and somewhere around its mid 30s-40s. The best Fire Me Boy! will think it's clever and witty like Rain Man, but in reality it has neither the intelligence nor the money. A good way to find out if it meets that standard is if it owns a cat and can't afford a BMW, so it instead drives a Miata. This one here looks just perfect.
Real Fire Me Boy! is smug and sanctimonious. You want it to be a grammar Nazi in a totally non-funny way. That's why we're going to let it marinate in its own douchiness. Coat it in the hipster semen and store it in a food thread for 2-3 months during the offseason. Now, I had to look up if Fire Me Boy! is a reference to anything, and it turns out it's a line from The Tick. That explains why hipster semen seems to give it that nice glossy douche finish.
Take it out of the food thread just in time for football season. When the Chiefs appear to be ripe for losing, go ahead and open the can of Laz menstruation by insulting Alex Smith and Eric Fisher. Add the blood to the douchebag and bake in the Media Center forum. When it starts talking to you about Akira Kurosawa films, take it out and set it aside in the Lounge for an hour. If you're patient enough, the douchebag should have mixed well with the hipster and Laz sauce at the bottom of the pan. Some really fine stupid cat stories are in that mixture, so save it!
I like to make a reduction out of it. It brings out all the unlikable traits of the douche that way. I can just picture the Fire Me Boy! pointing out all the missed commas in this very post! Mmmm. Then toss in the two scoops of gay to the reduction, and voila! Your AIDS salad is done! Just top it with the slices of douchebag.
Serves the 4-6 dumbasses who will comment, "I like Fire Me Boy! He's a good dude!" in this thread.