I just walked in on a coworker...
 

whacking off to Internet porn AT MY DESK!

I walk into the office at 10:15 p.m., only 5 hours after we close. I'm picking up some more stuff for my day tomorrow and clocking out... I walk back to my desk, the door's closed and I think, "Hmm... the door's closed. That's weird." I open it up and there's my coworker, who frantically turns the monitor off (I didn't see what kind of porn it was) and begins zipping his fly. I didn't actually notice him zipping up till I said, "Hey, what are you still doing here?" That's when I saw him buttoning/zipping the pants...

Then he proceeds to say, "Nothing, what are you doing here?" I answer, "Just clocking out." By this time, I'm back in the hallway, so he knows I'm not standing there just looking at him. Then he asks again... I answer again. He asks again... like fucking Rainman (not you, Rainman... Dustin Hoffman's Rainman, which isn't actually Dustin Hoffman, but you know what I mean...). Then he skiddadles out of the office without saying anything (which I don't blame him for).

Now, I had been noticing over the last few months porn sites on my computer's history... I wasn't worried about being caught or anything, I'm the tech guy and I know it wasn't me. That's what I have a home computer for. I hope this little scare will convince him that he probably shouldn't do that at work anymore... but, damn... now I gotta get a new keyboard and I just got this one. Sick fucker.

I'd make him pay. Really. I wouldn't blackmail him or anything, but he should be responsible for damages. I'd get about $10k to walk in on some dude masturbating - so if any of you pervs are looking for that kind of thing feel free to email me.

You might want to get a new chair and monitor, too....

I work next to the dude every damn day. Like right next to... two feet away from...

This was at your newspaper office?

Suonds rude of you not to let him finish. You should feel like an asshole. Sen the guy a card of apology or something.

I'm not saying... I have three jobs so I'll just leave it at "one of my offices." Or even more vague, "one of my desks," since at my three jobs I have a total of four desks.

You may want to sanitize your keyboard and mouse now.

Wait, he doesn't have his own computer? Or was he afraid of getting caught? What a fucking douche nozzle.

And it sounds like he was just cocking out.

Doesn't have his own computer...

I see. Well I have a little story to share.

At my first newspaper job I had the place all alone to myself one night (I had a night class and being the editor, a key to the office :D). I decided to let off a little steam before class.

:shake:

%(/

Haha! The difference was I was sure no one was going to walk in on me.

Gee, who woulda thought you'd want to turn a masturbation thread into something about yourself.






Seen this coming a mile away.

What? It's completely relevant to the topic. Stop being a harpy.

We all know.
It's ALWAYS about you isn't it ?

HEY! Take is somewhere else... we have a bigger problem here. There's splooge on my desk! CAN'T YOU SEE THE BIGGER PICTURE?

No. I haven't even been here for the last two hours.

They have Star Wars porn sites?

:p

He didn't even clean up? Gross.

Dude, they have porn sites for EVERYTHING.

ROFL
UH, I probably could if your screen wasn't smeered.

Sounds like you will need to burn everything.

No big whoop...

You should enthusiastically drop euphamisms and puns all day for the next couple of weeks. Then let him off the hook with a Hallmark Card that says something like,

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
and so are your balls apparently...

:Lin: Unbelievable...

I assume he didn't even finish... I certainly didn't stick around to find out. I was assuming the worst.

I'd give him a break.

If he can zip and button his pants with a hard johnson he's probably seen enough embarrassment for one lifetime.

how did you gain access to this site so quickly...no wait, you have shared enough for one day

What the hell?

I'd imagine he sat down and pointed his browser to Chiefsplanet.

I came home... that's where I am now.

ewwww

FMB

Seen anything good lately? Seems like there's mostly crap in the theatre this time of year. I heard Constantine was a pile of trash.

What does your username mean?

I'll make another thread... don't wanna turn this one into a movie thread. Fire Me Boy! was the Human Bullet's son/sidekick from the animated The Tick series.

Yeah its too classic of a fucked up story to derail it.

I can't believe Fire Me Boy is painting himself as the victim in this when he is clearly the bag guy in the situation.

Yeah, I'm a dickhead. I gave the guy blue balls because I wouldn't let him finish over my keyboard.

Yeah no dorm room style jiggle of the doorknob ;)

Bingo. :)

I'm gonna hit you with the stick, too. %(/

I could tell you I don't deserve that but its just not true.

My wife says I should be careful which "stick" I use... she's a bitch.

I think I'm going to have to bump this thread after the weekend is over. Get the regular full-time job guys in on it...

You want me to kick her ass?

I'll do it im crazy.

They'll be back around tonight I suspect. I think Phobia's doing something with Pink right about now.

Naw... I'll beat her with my stick later.

I'm not working overnight tonight, so I'm off. I'll check back tomorrow. Later guys... wish me NON-masturbatory dreams.

Ok, just tell me when that happens so I can swoop in and steal any cmeras or camera equipment you may have.

Sure... :shake:

Yeah thats good. Using that computer at work tonight would be pretty rough.

Were you dressed as a pizza delivery guy or a cable repairman?

You can imagine where it goes from here...He fixes the cable?

;) Just kiddin bud

sure you are, darlin'...

sure you are...

You two should get a room... :shake:

:p

And you wondered why your keyboard was sticky.

This is one of the funniest threads I've seen in a while. Although, goat cheese is a fuking nerd, I must say he was FUNNY on this thread. And I guess my inner nerd is coming out, but I'm totally with goat on HK (hunter killer). HK is one the best characters (movie or video game) to come out in a while IMO.

And all this time his wife thought he was bored when he said he just jacked off at work all the time...

ROFL

i have walked into situations like this but it was at peoples houses/apt. In those cases i just was like it's their computers let them wack away, but if it is the companys time, it is not time for wackatime

Well, I have no doubt that he was NOT on the clock, so it wasn't really "work time." I don't even really care that he was doing it at work after hours... my problem is that he was doing it at MY F-ING DESK!

Was it your F-ING desk or your JERKING desk ?
:hmmm:

I'm begging to think Zach is right. Maybe you are the bad guy here.

Maybe he wanted you to join him in a circle jerk.

That is just so wrong :shake:

At least the guy could bottle it for you so you could recycle it at the sperm bank. They pay big bucks for that stuff. He's let hundreds of dollars slip right thru his fingers! (one of the oldest jokes ever, btw)...

This reminds me of a similar event that happened at my work.

A maintenance worker found some paper towels, a chair and a playboy tucked away in a room where boxs of files are stored. He told a couple of people to keep an eye to see if anyone goes in the room. Soon word got out about the jerk off bandit. And people began speculateing who it could be.

The thing about this room is it can only be accessed through another room and that is only opened by a coded lock. Only the supervisors knew the number to get in there, and maintenance. Anyway a couple workers noted a night supervisor going in that room, returning about 20 minutes later.

He later was fired. His life was a mess and he was loseing it so to speak at work.
Very erractic behavior. The guy was turning into a basket case. He was never caught in the act. But the whole thing caused lots of laughs for a few weeks.

I think you have to give a lot of credit to a worker who stays late, off the clock, to finish up a job.

Damn, that's just wrong. I have never had that happen to me, but I had a girl I was dating catch my roommate pumping the pooch. I was gone elk hunting and told my girfriend to go over to the house and check up on my dogs. She walked in the house and old "Scooter" was laying there on the couch naked making moaning noises, watching porn and working the ole strokestick.

She chimes in with "what are you doing?" I guess the poor bastard grabbed a blanket and covered himself up and changed the channel in about 2 seconds. You should have heard that cell message from my girlfriend when I got in cell range after leaving the mountains. ROFL

LOL

That's just wrong... OK, to clear anything up: it wasn't my F-ing desk, nor was it my jerking desk. Just a desk, for neither f-ing nor jerking.

%(/

No proxy server? Livin' dangerously if not. Hey if your employer is concerned about such things then its YOUR job that is at risk because you can't prove who is accessing these sites and there is a trail of them on your computer.

I sure as hell wouldn't take a bullet for some guy I happen to work with. But you may work at a small business and not have to worry about it. It is realy up to you to decide what kind of problems you may face from this.

Damn, glad that I have never been caught!!

Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "I gave at the office."

:shake:
How do you expect a guy to do his job if you don't even provide him a proper desk to work at.

Man, it'd suck having to work with someone like you.

To quote Paris Hilton, 'that's hot!'

Too bad I didn't catch you...

He does have his own desk, just no computer (his job doesn't even remotely require one. Besides, we've already established that I'm the bad guy here. :harumph:

If I were to do that, I don't think I would get caught!

It would make a better video then hers did!!