ChiefsPlanet - 101 random roasts by misc Roastmasters

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- - 101 random roasts by misc Roastmasters - Thread #2 (https://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=274123)

Ahh, nothing like losing the moral high ground to Hootie. It takes skill.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sorter (Post 9777569)

Fair enough.

Not really. Now I really am being a big meanie.

71. Bob Dole

To be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely sure that Bob actually exists. Sure, I've seen pictures of him, and I've heard people tell stories about seeing him in person...but I've seen pictures and heard stories about The Loch Ness Monster and Chupacabra as well. Frankly, the pictures and stories of him aren't that dissimilar to those of Bigfoot, so I remain skeptical.

When Bob was still a young schoolboy...shortly after the Treaty of Versailles was signed to end the Great War...he set out to make some friends. The popular kids played football, but Bobby was far too frail for such hurly-burly. He blamed his feebleness on polio, but the truth is...he was just a little bitch. That option being off the table, he did the next closest thing. He became a male cheerleader. Even in the dust-bowl days, it was pretty pathetic. I mean, he wasn't even one of the strong male cheerleaders who got to touch the girls' asses. He was more the "Rah Rah Rah, Sis Boom Bah" type. Unfortunately for little Bobby D, his cracking voice sounded even worse through a megaphone. Disappointed, but not discouraged, he turned in his sweater and joined the band and found his true calling.

He still had no discernible talent, but the victrolas used in those days weren't exactly high fidelity, so his shortcomings were less noticeable. Eventually, he got a full-time gig in Show Biz...as a member of the Rock-afire Explosion. It wasn't exactly Fibber McGee and Molly, but it beat working in the mines for two bits an hour, so he stuck it out for decades before ultimately being replaced by an automatonic Bear named Billy Bob.

Older, but wiser, he decided to start his own band. He went to his old high school's Battle of the Bands competition where he recruited new members by playing up his ability to buy beer for the band (a huge selling point for young teens) and get senior discounts at the Black Eyed Pea (less of a factor in their decision). Bob Dole was back.

Unfortunately for Bob and the rest of the band, this was back when MTV still played videos, and this radio star was the first casualty. It wasn't all bad, though. He did have a slight brush with fame when his song "Get Out of My Yard, Get Off of My Lawn" was overheard by a young Billy Ocean who later popularized a slightly re-branded version. Bob still receives royalty checks...and Social Security checks.

Pros: Voted for FDR four times. Invented the Hot Toddy

Cons: Still uses an old Sears catalog as spank material because he swears he saw a nipple showing through one of the lacier bras. (Bob...I know what you think you saw, but trust me on this one. The "red spot" you saw is simply an imperfection in the paper...not a nipple. I know this to be true because it's a black and white catalog). Eats dinner at 2 PM before leaving dimes as a tip.

Outlook for 2014: Falls. Can't get up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Saul Good (Post 9777589)

71. Bob Dole

To be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely sure that Bob actually exists. Sure, I've seen pictures of him, and I've heard people tell stories about seeing him in person...but I've seen pictures and heard stories about The Loch Ness Monster and Chupacabra as well. Frankly, the pictures and stories of him aren't that dissimilar to those of Bigfoot, so I remain skeptical.

When Bob was still a young schoolboy...shortly after the Treaty of Versailles was signed to end the Great War...he set out to make some friends. The popular kids played football, but Bobby was far too frail for such hurly-burly. He blamed his feebleness on polio, but the truth is...he was just a little bitch. That option being off the table, he did the next closest thing. He became a male cheerleader. Even in the dust-bowl days, it was pretty pathetic. I mean, he wasn't even one of the strong male cheerleaders who got to touch the girls' asses. He was more the "Rah Rah Rah, Sis Boom Bah" type. Unfortunately for little Bobby D, his cracking voice sounded even worse through a megaphone. Disappointed, but not discouraged, he turned in his sweater and joined the band and found his true calling.

He still had no discernible talent, but the victrolas used in those days weren't exactly high fidelity, so his shortcomings were less noticeable. Eventually, he got a full-time gig in Show Biz...as a member of the Rock-afire Explosion. It wasn't exactly Fibber McGee and Molly, but it beat working in the mines for two bits an hour, so he stuck it out for decades before ultimately being replaced by an automatonic Bear named Billy Bob.

Older, but wiser, he decided to start his own band. He went to his old high school's Battle of the Bands competition where he recruited new members by playing up his ability to buy beer for band (a huge selling point for young teens) and get senior discounts at the Black Eyed Pea (less of a factor in their decision). Bob Dole was back.

Unfortunately for Bob and the rest of the band, this was back when MTV still played videos, and this radio star was the first casualty. It wasn't all bad, though. He did have a slight brush with fame when his song "Get Out of My Yard, Get Off of My Lawn" was overheard by a young Billy Ocean who later popularized a slightly re-branded version. Bob still receives royalty checks...and Social Security checks.

Pros: Voted for FDR four times. Invented the Hot Toddy

Cons: Still uses an old Sears catalog as spank material because he swears he saw a nipple showing through one of the lacier bras. (Bob...I know what you think you saw, but trust me on this one. The "red spot" you saw is simply an imperfection in the paper...not a nipple. I know this to be true because it's a black and white catalog). Eats dinner at 2 PM before leaving dimes as a tip.

Outlook for 2014: Falls. Can't get up.

Horrible.

Bob Dole is a saint.

"Voted for FDR Four Times" LMAO

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phobia (Post 9777582)

Not really. Now I really am being a big meanie.

I'm sure he'll survive.

If not, then I suppose the world is saved from him procreating.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Saul Good (Post 9777589)

71. Bob Dole

To be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely sure that Bob actually exists. Sure, I've seen pictures of him, and I've heard people tell stories about seeing him in person...but I've seen pictures and heard stories about The Loch Ness Monster and Chupacabra as well. Frankly, the pictures and stories of him aren't that dissimilar to those of Bigfoot, so I remain skeptical.

When Bob was still a young schoolboy...shortly after the Treaty of Versailles was signed to end the Great War...he set out to make some friends. The popular kids played football, but Bobby was far too frail for such hurly-burly. He blamed his feebleness on polio, but the truth is...he was just a little bitch. That option being off the table, he did the next closest thing. He became a male cheerleader. Even in the dust-bowl days, it was pretty pathetic. I mean, he wasn't even one of the strong male cheerleaders who got to touch the girls' asses. He was more the "Rah Rah Rah, Sis Boom Bah" type. Unfortunately for little Bobby D, his cracking voice sounded even worse through a megaphone. Disappointed, but not discouraged, he turned in his sweater and joined the band and found his true calling.

He still had no discernible talent, but the victrolas used in those days weren't exactly high fidelity, so his shortcomings were less noticeable. Eventually, he got a full-time gig in Show Biz...as a member of the Rock-afire Explosion. It wasn't exactly Fibber McGee and Molly, but it beat working in the mines for two bits an hour, so he stuck it out for decades before ultimately being replaced by an automatonic Bear named Billy Bob.

Older, but wiser, he decided to start his own band. He went to his old high school's Battle of the Bands competition where he recruited new members by playing up his ability to buy beer for band (a huge selling point for young teens) and get senior discounts at the Black Eyed Pea (less of a factor in their decision). Bob Dole was back.

Unfortunately for Bob and the rest of the band, this was back when MTV still played videos, and this radio star was the first casualty. It wasn't all bad, though. He did have a slight brush with fame when his song "Get Out of My Yard, Get Off of My Lawn" was overheard by a young Billy Ocean who later popularized a slightly re-branded version. Bob still receives royalty checks...and Social Security checks.

Pros: Voted for FDR four times. Invented the Hot Toddy

Cons: Still uses an old Sears catalog as spank material because he swears he saw a nipple showing through one of the lacier bras. (Bob...I know what you think you saw, but trust me on this one. The "red spot" you saw is simply an imperfection in the paper...not a nipple. I know this to be true because it's a black and white catalog). Eats dinner at 2 PM before leaving dimes as a tip.

Outlook for 2014: Falls. Can't get up.

And you thought my patteeu roast was lame? :spock:

Bob Dole is entertaining. He'll get a kick out of him when somebody reads that to him.

Saul you have a talent for this that is unmatched on this board. Kudos, sir.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sorter (Post 9777600)

I'm sure he'll survive.

If not, then I suppose the world is saved from him procreating.

Assuming he hasn't already.

Quote:

Originally Posted by loochy (Post 9777537)

GOOD LORD THAT WAS LONG
thats what she said

but no, even though it was all hootie focused, it was too long

Can't help it loochay. I am the anti-Donger.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phobia (Post 9777538)

tl;dr

Yeah-yeah;yeah-yeah-yeah

Quote:

Originally Posted by J Diddy (Post 9777539)

could I get you to spoiler tag that so I don't have to scroll 3 pages please.

I don't know how.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Donger (Post 9777543)

Why did you bold the semicolons?

Haha, you caught that? That's funny that you noticed that. Great, now I'm beginning to like you. I didn't want the "H's" all running together.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cosmo20002 (Post 9777551)

OMG

I'm going to have to schedule a time on my Outlook calendar to get through this. Cancel my meetings today--Rico posted something!

Definitely...what I posted is VITAL information.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rico (Post 9777621)

Haha, you caught that? That's funny that you noticed that. Great, now I'm beginning to like you. I didn't want the "H's" all running together.

It's the only thing I noticed, to be honest.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Donger (Post 9777627)

It's the only thing I noticed, to be honest.

Haha, oh. **** YOU, DONGER!!!! I HATE YOU!!!!

jk.

It's getting pretty weak in here gentlemen... you know when Iowanian jumps in to try and help the ship from sinking things are getting tough.

Rico (who is this? the new "fax"?)
I read about 10% of each of your hootie roasts including the one that had like a 10 page buildup. You are absolutely terrible at these and should never do one again, your first slam was "hurr u gay sidecar-ed by a 20 year old Seinfeld joke". Just stop it please, your horde of fax-like ball lickers is warping your brain, much like Bieber fans have him believing he is a once in a generation musical talent, he's not (sorry) and neither are you when it comes to comedy.

Luv, Knowmo, and Bob Dole should have been easy homeruns for any long-time member, alas they did not meet expectations.

Is there an official list with the posters and numbers, or is everyone just picking at random? This is starting to piss me off, if I see a name I "like" I may have to jump in.

I liked the Bob Dole roast.

Did any other n00bs get the "pm Bob Dole, he'll be happy to answer your question" treatment whenever you asked a question? If so, how'd it go? I always wondered about the joke behind that.