Look, I get the value in what statistics does in terms of decision-making and correlation research. Breaking down reality into manageable data chunks (especially if they're quantitative data) is a neat trick.
But ****, cdcox. You ever hear the expression, "Keep work at work?" Because you take this shit pretty far, man. When you're ****ing your wife, do you record your actions in a log for later analysis? Do you put together charts and tables and graphs to find out which position will yield the highest probability of getting her to orgasm properly? When she complains about how you're getting fat from too much beer, do you grunt, "Correlation doesn't imply causation, honey!"
See, I don't even know if you're a health nut or a fatass. But if we were to trade places, I'd find myself running probability scenarios to figure out if you are, even though it can only ever give me a probability figure.
I had an advisor in grad school who was just as invested as you are in research. The running joke among the grad students was that the last words out of his mouth would be a library call number. I'm worried about the same for you, cdcox.
So let me give you a few figures to keep in mind, and maybe they'll put you on the right track.
-I've calculated a 78% probability that when you run weekly playoff scenarios to come up with each team's chances of the playoffs, not once will these percentages ever consistently come up with the correct lineup of probable teams.
-Based on the activity level and age for a Chiefs Planet member of your demographic and post count, there's an 83% likelihood that you're balding and currently have or used to wear a goatee. Incidentally, for everybody else reading this roast, there's also a 91% chance that CP bald and goatee jokes will never not be funny.
-This means you should also probably see a proctologist immediately. Just... trust me. Numbers don't lie.
-Lastly, I did a computer projective analysis of the future of Sandbox Simulations. The results weren't good, so I asked it for your best chance of the program NOT being a buggy piece of shit that people get sick of after 2 months. The best it could do was 4%, accounting for the standard .05 margin of error.
Heh, I search this thread roughly once a week to see if I've been roasted. So that is why I am just now getting around to acknowledging this roast. First let me say: well done!
Frankly, going on my guy instinct I figured we were in legend territory by now and that the chances of me cracking the top 20 were remote. However, had I created a model that considered 1)post count, 2) longevity, 3) general likability, 4) distinguishing characteristics (my all-things-quantifiable shtick) and 5) the same characteristics of posters roasted so far, I would have projected myself as still having a 53.7% chance of making the top 20. This serves to illustrate the superiority of quantitative methods over gut instinct.
I'm shocked and honored to come in at 19. That puts me in the top 0.16% of all CP posters.
Now to play a little defense. I don't quantify every aspect of my live. Only 19.4% of it. I keep a permanent repository of my playoff projections so any one can evaluate them on their own. Unlike those jerks at Football Outsiders who erase their predictions after every week. My hair density is in the top 32% for my age. Slight receding hairline with absolutely no male pattern baldness. On the other hand, I am in the bottom 20% among males over 20 for facial hair follicle density even though the growth rate of what whiskers I do have is within one standard deviation of the mean. So I've never had a goatee and shave every work day.
Finally a word about Sandbox Simulations. Believe it or not, it is near and dear to my heart on a daily basis. Unfortunately, my current job responsibilities are making it impossible to spend the time on it needed even to run the two beta leagues, let alone to do any new development. Over the next few/several months, my work situation should clarify to the point where I can either spend more time on Sandbox --or-- Rain Man and I will have to figure out an alternative business development strategy.
I don't know how or why AustinChief owns [every NFL team name] Planet. I don't know if he's just some schlub with a coding manual and a bit of cash or Mark Cuban. And I don't know how he's able to update servers and do all this computer shit, yet he thinks posting 5-10 pictures of Long John Silvers menu items per post is a massive drain on bandwidth. ****, I don't even know if I used the term "bandwidth" correctly, and I know that posting pictures like that doesn't really make a difference at all.
That doesn't matter. We're here to celebrate the most generous person who invests the most time and money to keep the CP experience going for all those little boys and girls who think antifreeze jokes are funny.
Thank you, AustinChief. With Thanksgiving fast approaching, it's time that we all took our hats off and said a word of thanks to you for all of this:
A server that is in constant need of repair and updating
A buggy chatroom feature from the early 1990s
A lineup of shitty power-mad mods
Protection from malicious threats to our internet safety like Thig Lyfe
The freedom to bypass the word filter, because I see no two ****s given by anybody every time somebody types around it
The freedom to be as racist as you want as long as you do it in the DC forum
Entertaining chats with BEP (no, really, it's hilarious when people get upset at her)
So thank you, AustinChief. After PGM, of course, you're the most important person involved with the continued survival and rich prosperity enjoyed by Chiefs Planet.
Now if you could just get off your ass and try to do something about Texans Planet, that would be lovely. For ****'s sake, it's like trying to keep a nice neat lawn next to a house of ****ing Hmongs.
The plural of Hmong is Hmong.
RealSNR
11-23-2014 08:13 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by cdcox
(Post 11138200)
Heh, I search this thread roughly once a week to see if I've been roasted. So that is why I am just now getting around to acknowledging this roast. First let me say: well done!
Frankly, going on my guy instinct I figured we were in legend territory by now and that the chances of me cracking the top 20 were remote. However, had I created a model that considered 1)post count, 2) longevity, 3) general likability, 4) distinguishing characteristics (my all-things-quantifiable shtick) and 5) the same characteristics of posters roasted so far, I would have projected myself as still having a 53.7% chance of making the top 20. This serves to illustrate the superiority of quantitative methods over gut instinct.
I'm shocked and honored to come in at 19. That puts me in the top 0.16% of all CP posters.
Now to play a little defense. I don't quantify every aspect of my live. Only 19.4% of it. I keep a permanent repository of my playoff projections so any one can evaluate them on their own. Unlike those jerks at Football Outsiders who erase their predictions after every week. My hair density is in the top 32% for my age. Slight receding hairline with absolutely no male pattern baldness. On the other hand, I am in the bottom 20% among males over 20 for facial hair follicle density even though the growth rate of what whiskers I do have is within one standard deviation of the mean. So I've never had a goatee and shave every work day.
Finally a word about Sandbox Simulations. Believe it or not, it is near and dear to my heart on a daily basis. Unfortunately, my current job responsibilities are making it impossible to spend the time on it needed even to run the two beta leagues, let alone to do any new development. Over the next few/several months, my work situation should clarify to the point where I can either spend more time on Sandbox --or-- Rain Man and I will have to figure out an alternative business development strategy.
LMAO
SAUTO
11-23-2014 08:52 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by TimBone
(Post 11138018)
Yep. Anyone who laughs WILL be IP banned.
I personally thought it was despicable.
Agreed.
I can't believe there was no mention of a bag full of dicks though
Hootie
11-23-2014 09:11 AM
welp
SNR has sold me
I'm officially the 3rd best roaster on CP ... clearly behind Saul Good and SNR
NewChief
11-23-2014 09:28 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by cdcox
(Post 11138200)
Heh, I search this thread roughly once a week to see if I've been roasted. ..\.
:LOL: Nice.
RealSNR
11-23-2014 01:21 PM
I don't know why cdcox didn't just look in the OP instead of searching the thread to see if he had been roasted. Any ideas why he would go through all that trouble?
TribalElder
11-23-2014 02:29 PM
The OP is as useful as mud butt on a Sunday morning :shrug:
GloryDayz
11-23-2014 02:33 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by TribalElder
(Post 11138939)
The OP is as useful as mud butt on a Sunday morning :shrug:
DON'T ever take your car into this hack! Dumbass won't even ****ing Jew his customers.
He clearly doesn't know the first thing about business, and if he doesn't know the first thing about business, he can't know about his own business, and if he can't know about his own business, how the hell do you expect him to figure out why your check engine light is on?
He probably doesn't even touch the ****ing cars, because he's too busy being a douchebag silent mercenary type who operates by his own code of ethics and no one else's. Every other story this guy tells about his life involves punching dudes, threatening to punch dudes, and what happened to him when he didn't punch dudes. It's ****ing annoying is what it is. I should have put up a gif of Scrappy Doo. That would have been way more apt.
Come to Jason's Auto Repair! Where sweatshop labor conditions equal customer satisfaction!
Baby Lee
11-23-2014 11:55 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by GloryDayz
(Post 11138947)
What days of the week is mud butt useful?
Days when you need a swift exit from Hootie's clutches.
cdcox
11-24-2014 12:04 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by SNR
(Post 11138764)
I don't know why cdcox didn't just look in the OP instead of searching the thread to see if he had been roasted. Any ideas why he would go through all that trouble?
DON'T ever take your car into this hack! Dumbass won't even ****ing Jew his customers.
He clearly doesn't know the first thing about business, and if he doesn't know the first thing about business, he can't know about his own business, and if he can't know about his own business, how the hell do you expect him to figure out why your check engine light is on?
He probably doesn't even touch the ****ing cars, because he's too busy being a douchebag silent mercenary type who operates by his own code of ethics and no one else's. Every other story this guy tells about his life story involves punching dudes, threatening to punch dudes, and what happened to him when he didn't punch dudes. It's ****ing annoying is what it is. I should have put up a gif of Scrappy Doo. That would have been way more apt.
Come to Jason's Auto Repair! Where sweatshop labor conditions equal customer satisfaction!
LMAO LMAO LMAO
Guy has entirely too many "I'm not trying to brag but I'll beat your ass" posts.
Halfcan
11-24-2014 10:25 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThaVirus
(Post 11140841)
LMAO LMAO LMAO
Guy has entirely too many "I'm not trying to brag but I'll beat your ass" posts.
LMAO
How did this Dbag get ranked so high? :spock: This list has jumped the shark. Kind of a lame roast but perfect for this lame ass reerun. :doh!:
loochy
11-24-2014 10:34 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Halfcan
(Post 11141103)
LMAO
How did this Dbag get ranked so high? :spock: This list has jumped the shark. Kind of a lame roast but perfect for this lame ass reerun. :doh!:
Because he seems like a mean dude, but he's still loveable for some reason.
MOHillbilly-ish maybe
ThaVirus
11-24-2014 10:41 AM
The Top 101 CP Posters of 2014 Part 2 Presented by SNR
He doesn't even seem like a bad dude. I've seen him offer car advice and hangouts to several people on the board.
I'm just saying that bragging about how he grew up on the wrong side of the tracks and "people looking my way when a tough guy starts making a scene at my local watering hole" stories are played out.
RealSNR
11-24-2014 05:36 PM
I... don't really feel like writing a roast tonight. In light of the news of Eric Berry's diagnosis.
We're still finishing this thing, though. Only 15 names left.
Mav
11-24-2014 05:49 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by SNR
(Post 11142139)
I... don't really feel like writing a roast tonight. In light of the news of Eric Berry's diagnosis.
We're still finishing this thing, though. Only 15 names left.
I'm not going to go for the obvious "insider" joke. The Bad Guy has been too good to this place. Besides, that joke has been attempted before, and I don't have an Orioles forum that I can run to for protection if things get too out of hand. So I guess we'll just live on with The Bad Guy having us all fooled.
That being said, there's no reason why we can't make educated guesses as to the identity of the source, is there? It shouldn't be too hard. We need a guy who has basically been with the team for as long as this forum has been around. And I really doubt that Concessions Stand Employee #24 is privy to that kind of team access. So we can probably eliminate a few hundred names there.
The source in recent years has been the most active in feeding information during regime changes (Carl -> Pioli; Pioli -> Reid/Dorsey). He also has apparent information about draft boards, since we were fed the "updates" on the Chiefs #1 overall pick. So again, I'm thinking this is a person around a lot of heavy decisions.
I have no clue from this list who most of these people are, and the ones I can recognize don't fit the longevity description of the source.
Except for two people.
Clark Hunt. Given that The Bad Guy is just some asshole, I fail to see how he has ever made any kind of meaningful connection to the Hunt family where he could rattle off an e-mail asking for inside information, and they would totally let him in on sensitive secrets.
And there's one other guy.
Bob Moore. Rufus Dawes.
That's our guy. That's the insider who let us know this stuff before everybody else did.
Don't believe me? Think my reasoning ****ing sucks? Well suck on this little nugget:
I've got a guy I've known for years who is close to The Bad Guy family and friends network who doesn't want to be identified, and he can confirm that Rufus Dawes is The Bad Guy's source.
Dave Lane
11-26-2014 03:45 PM
I ****ing knew it! Rufus Dawes at last revealed.
SAUTO
11-26-2014 07:43 PM
I'm not anywhere worthy of being this high or even at all. Good job.
And I'm not trying to brag, but I'll beat someone's ass.ROFL
I have mentioned before how awesome the Talking Can is. And because I'm the one finishing out the rankings, I've decided I earned the right to put my personal touch on this list. So that's why he's on this list, and that's why he's ranked this high. Honestly, I'd totally put him in the top 5. He's one of my favorites, and if you don't like him, you're a huge dumbass.
And prepare yourselves for one of those non-roasts you all hate. Yep. This is quite simply a tribute to one of my favorite posters. I could make jokes and try to imitate him by posting genocidal stuff against Patriots fans, but why do that when I can just let the man's work speak for itself?
the Talking Can embodies everything that's awesome about Chiefs Planet. The seething, unbridled rage that takes the form of some really bizarre stuff is a posting style I've tried to replicate and use on my own, but I can't do what he does. The difference might be his hilarious presentation, where he has this preference to just ignore capitalizing stuff, or the poorly photoshopped Cassel avatar that he wore for years. The combination of that with some of the greatest lines of vitriol I've ever seen spewed at one's own football team/fans is like a really complex souffle recipe that is one-of-a-kind.
So here's my tribute to the Talking Can. Five classic Talking Can moments. Honestly, you can probably find some better Can posts yourselves with just a little bit of searching, but #1 and #2 are for sure some of his best work. They are probably near the top of things I've ever laughed at in the history of Chiefs Planet.
5. Can's response to the Haley firing and the future of KC's QB position
3. Is Brandon Siler a better tackler than Derrick Johnson?
We all remember some of the great Black Bob discussions, particularly during that 2012 season. And Talking Can was right there with all of us. I'm posting the thread, but I have my favorite posts listed in the spoiler.
The 2012 draft was one of the more intriguing draft years I've experienced on CP. It was perhaps the most imperfect draft slot the Chiefs have ever had, where they were needing a QB so desperately in the best QB draft class in years, but possessed one of the worst draft slots for picking a QB (way too high to be thinking about the middle prospects that possessed a lot of potential) as well as having the Piolibola prevent them from even taking a shot at one. And there was TEH BEST GUARD EVAR! sitting right there. Talking Can expressed the sentiment we were all feeling at the time in the most perfect way:
You can read my roast of notorious to see that I've already brought this up. But you know what? It's the funniest thing I've ever read on CP. I'm reposting it as #1 because it's just that damn good.
Everything he wrote in the thread was great. Haley was gone, Pioli indicated no change of direction from Cassel, and I believe even stuck up for him? Was that the genesis of the "I don't think I need to tell anyone that Matt's our starter" quote? Regardless, though, the ****ing pitchforks were coming out. The OP of the thread itself was brilliant:
This generated an amusing response intended as a chuckle from one of the bystanders about using a time machine to wipe out those 15 generations. Then we got to the real gold nugget:
I laughed for days. This isn't just your standard, "I'm mailing anthrax" or "I hope he chokes on his own vomit" kind of anger. We're talking about shitty Star Trek movie villainry that aborts an entire species from existence.
"I'm going back to Africa and snuffing out Pioli at the source."
LMAO LMAO LMAO "At the source."
Posts like this one are why continuing to hate and rip on Pioli until the day I die will always bring me great joy in my heart. The man truly was an abortion, and ****ing poets like the Talking Can were the lost voices that many of us struggled to find during those trying times. Like Maya ****ing Angelou.
In the words of the great Sorter, I have this to say to you, Talking Can:
Post more.
Hammock Parties
11-28-2014 07:31 PM
The Talking Can is my sweet baboo.
BossChief
11-28-2014 07:36 PM
Nice job, SNR.
Very well done.
Hammock Parties
11-28-2014 07:38 PM
SNR should be hanging out with his family and he's writing this shit.
Swell guy.
RealSNR
11-28-2014 07:41 PM
In a way, I almost miss Pioli and Cassel.
ALMOST.
It totally brought out the best in most people on here. There's no emotion that can unite a people quite like anger can. For that brief time, we were all united against the Great Satan that was Pioli. We slew all of his supporters and demons so courageously, whether they were persons in the media, idiots from around the internet, or Black Bob. It didn't matter how big they were. They had to be taken down. And we did so. With honor.
We formed a brotherhood that season
Hammock Parties
11-28-2014 07:42 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by SNR
(Post 11150930)
In a way, I almost miss Pioli and Cassel.
ALMOST.
It totally brought out the best in most people on here. There's no emotion that can unite a people quite like anger can. For that brief time, we were all united against the Great Satan that was Pioli. We slew all of his supporters and demons so courageously, whether they were persons in the media, idiots from around the internet, or Black Bob. It didn't matter how big they were. They had to be taken down. And we did so. With honor.
We formed a brotherhood that season
we really shook the pillars of heaven, didn't we wang?
Sweet Daddy Hate
11-28-2014 07:43 PM
Awesome takes.
RealSNR
11-28-2014 07:45 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Count Alex's Wins
(Post 11150927)
SNR should be hanging out with his family and he's writing this shit.
Swell guy.
That was yesterday. My family's not big on Thanksgiving. Nobody can cook in my immediately family except for my mom, and she really hates cooking.
I remember a fantastic Mother SNR quote from when I was in elementary school. The in-laws were over and were nitpicking about what she chose to serve or how she was making the gravy. She walked into the other room where my dad and I were hanging out, and she whispered to him, "If that asshole Abraham Lincoln were alive today, I'd kick him right in the balls."
My dad replied, "Well, to be honest, honey, I don't think you could get your leg up that high."
Sweet Daddy Hate
11-28-2014 07:47 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by SNR
(Post 11150939)
That was yesterday. My family's not big on Thanksgiving. Nobody can cook in my immediately family except for my mom, and she really hates cooking.
I remember a fantastic Mother SNR quote from when I was in elementary school. The in-laws were over and were nitpicking about what she chose to serve or how she was making the gravy. She walked into the other room where my dad and I were hanging out, and she whispered to him, "If that asshole Abraham Lincoln were alive today, I'd kick him right in the balls."
My dad replied, "Well, to be honest, honey, I don't think you could get your leg up that high."
ROFL
Hammock Parties
11-28-2014 07:54 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by SNR
(Post 11150939)
That was yesterday. My family's not big on Thanksgiving.
I think you misunderstood me.
**** your family. Post whore here on every holiday.
Bowser
11-28-2014 08:30 PM
Let me just say it - Talking Can deserves high rankings here every bit as much as (name your Hootie here). Talking Can is a dick for not posting more.
SAUTO
11-28-2014 08:31 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bowser
(Post 11151008)
Let me just say it - Talking Can deserves high rankings here every bit as much as (name your Hootie here). Talking Can is a dick for not posting more.
wow, i am floored....thanks, very kind words...this place is crazy
nice to know someone was amused (it always felt like entertainment to me), i think the pioli era was my golden age, each person gets one great enemy
the Talking Can
11-28-2014 11:45 PM
and i don't think i've enjoyed anything as much as finding new ways to call justpassinby 'cassle's cock holster'....
BossChief
11-29-2014 08:43 AM
I agree with TTC being this high. Dude seems to form his own strong opinions and is right far more often than he isn't. He always keeps an element of crude humor in his posts that I enjoy, as well.
Bowser
11-29-2014 10:41 AM
Plus, his Cassel-in-a-toilet avatar should have secured him a top 25 spot all on its own.
DeezNutz is a Chiefs, Royals, and Mizzou fan. That's a ****ton of misery and pain to deal with. Compared to other CP posters who like the same teams, he's actually fairly well-adjusted. He's not a psychotic ****tard like petegz28 or frazod, and he seems to be able to find appropriate outlets to vent his frustration of going so long without knowing what it's like to be a fan of any team who sustains success. His short, sarcastic posts, while making him appear bitter and self-loathing, do a good job of allowing him to be able to look at the truth squarely in the face without becoming too depressed. However, it's unknown if this is a good way of attaining satisfaction through the worst of times or if it's actually unhealthily building up layers of repression that will cause him to snap like a twig later in life. Time will only tell.
He's also the most obscure and possibly least respected of the old Horsemen of the Apo-Cassel-ypse. It's quite possible that he only joined because they other three needed a fourth person to hand out pamphlets about the dangers of drafting Aaron Curry, like when the original three Ghostbusters added the black guy to the team almost randomly in the middle of the movie. In a stunning twist, the black guy doesn't die, and DeezNutz is still finding creative ways to sarcastically bitch about Mizzou's basketball coach and Ned Yost. If I had to compare him to other posters, I'd say he's Rain Man's evil brother from south of the border.
I have great respect for all of my drafturbator friends, but because Deez is biggest sarcastic bitch of the bunch, I'm reminded that it's people like him whose selfishness has brought down the quality of the CP Mock Draft. His coattail-riding ass is part of the reason why Sfeihc acts like he owns the goddamn place and why chiefscafan is now a fully-fledged member. It's bad enough that we had to suck Saccopoo's dick to get him to join, only to have him continually tell us to politely **** off. So thanks for screwing your friends over, Deez. Because the Colts playoff loss drove people into mad fits of insanity for months, you want us to hang out with Mav for several weeks in March/April. Hope your time off was ****ing worth it.
Hammock Parties
11-29-2014 05:08 PM
YES!!! MY HORSEMAN PHOTOSHOP! I DIDN'T EVEN READ THE ROAST AND I LOVE IT.
Hammock Parties
11-29-2014 05:10 PM
LMAO
That roast was so nice and then turned into a molten vat of hatred.
DeezNutz is a Chiefs, Royals, and Mizzou fan. That's a ****ton of misery and pain to deal with. Compared to other CP posters who like the same teams, he's actually fairly well-adjusted. He's not a psychotic ****tard like petegz28 or frazod, and he seems to be able to find appropriate outlets to vent his frustration of going so long without knowing what it's like to be a fan of any team who sustains success. His short, sarcastic posts, while making him appear bitter and self-loathing, do a good job of allowing him to be able to look at the truth squarely in the face without becoming too depressed. However, it's unknown if this is a good way of attaining satisfaction through the worst of times or if it's actually unhealthily building up layers of repression that will cause him to snap like a twig later in life. Time will only tell.
He's also the most obscure and possibly least respected of the old Horsemen of the Apo-Cassel-ypse. It's quite possible that he only joined because they other three needed a fourth person to hand out pamphlets about the dangers of drafting Aaron Curry, like when the original three Ghostbusters added the black guy to the team almost randomly in the middle of the movie. In a stunning twist, the black guy doesn't die, and DeezNutz is still finding creative ways to sarcastically bitch about Mizzou's basketball coach and Ned Yost. If I had to compare him to other posters, I'd say he's Rain Man's evil brother from south of the border.
I have great respect for all of my drafturbator friends, but because Deez is biggest sarcastic bitch of the bunch, I'm reminded that it's people like him whose selfishness has brought down the quality of the CP Mock Draft. His coattail-riding ass is part of the reason why Sfeihc acts like he owns the goddamn place and why chiefscafan is now a fully-fledged member. It's bad enough that we had to suck Saccopoo's dick to get him to join, only to have him continually tell us to politely **** off. So thanks for screwing your friends over, Deez. Because the Colts playoff loss drove people into mad fits of insanity for months, you want us to hang out with Mav for several weeks in March/April. Hope your time off was ****ing worth it.
Bahaha!
SAUTO
11-29-2014 05:16 PM
****ing awesome
Sweet Daddy Hate
11-29-2014 05:16 PM
Oh my! LMAO
Baby Lee
11-29-2014 05:45 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by SNR
(Post 11152226)
like when the original three Ghostbusters added the black guy to the team almost randomly in the middle of the movie. In a stunning twist, the black guy doesn't die
Poor Ernie actually had a huge role in the original script. But it was written for Eddie Murphy who passed. So they cut the whole plot line
When I originally got the script, the character of Winston was amazing and I thought it would be career-changing. The character came in right at the very beginning of the movie and had an elaborate background: he was an Air Force major something, a demolitions guy. It was great. . . .
The night before filming begins, however, I get this new script and it was shocking. The character was gone. Instead of coming in at the very beginning of the movie, like page 8, the character came in on page 68 after the Ghostbusters were established. His elaborate background was all gone, replaced by me walking in and saying, “If there’s a steady paycheck in it, I’ll believe anything you say.” So that was pretty devastating.
RealSNR
11-29-2014 05:48 PM
Here are the last few roasts. Is there a mod who can plug these into the OP?
Look, I get the value in what statistics does in terms of decision-making and correlation research. Breaking down reality into manageable data chunks (especially if they're quantitative data) is a neat trick.
But ****, cdcox. You ever hear the expression, "Keep work at work?" Because you take this shit pretty far, man. When you're ****ing your wife, do you record your actions in a log for later analysis? Do you put together charts and tables and graphs to find out which position will yield the highest probability of getting her to orgasm properly? When she complains about how you're getting fat from too much beer, do you grunt, "Correlation doesn't imply causation, honey!"
See, I don't even know if you're a health nut or a fatass. But if we were to trade places, I'd find myself running probability scenarios to figure out if you are, even though it can only ever give me a probability figure.
I had an advisor in grad school who was just as invested as you are in research. The running joke among the grad students was that the last words out of his mouth would be a library call number. I'm worried about the same for you, cdcox.
So let me give you a few figures to keep in mind, and maybe they'll put you on the right track.
-I've calculated a 78% probability that when you run weekly playoff scenarios to come up with each team's chances of the playoffs, not once will these percentages ever consistently come up with the correct lineup of probable teams.
-Based on the activity level and age for a Chiefs Planet member of your demographic and post count, there's an 83% likelihood that you're balding and currently have or used to wear a goatee. Incidentally, for everybody else reading this roast, there's also a 91% chance that CP bald and goatee jokes will never not be funny.
-This means you should also probably see a proctologist immediately. Just... trust me. Numbers don't lie.
-Lastly, I did a computer projective analysis of the future of Sandbox Simulations. The results weren't good, so I asked it for your best chance of the program NOT being a buggy piece of shit that people get sick of after 2 months. The best it could do was 4%, accounting for the standard .05 margin of error.
Hello there! My name is Saccopoo, and I'm here to talk to you about the Good News of football programs in the Utah System of Higher Education.
Wait, wait, don't shut the door! I haven't given you a free copy of the Book of Mockdraft!
Well, yes, the Book of Mockdraft is very similar to Drafturbatity. We follow the same players, we both watch the combine, and it is the ultimate mortal goal of both of us to find as many great professional players as possible. But there are significant differences among us. You see, the Book of Mockdraft teaches us about the higher realm of existence intended for all draftable football players from Utah colleges and universities. They are all perfect emanations of God at their respective positions. And if you follow their college careers closely and believe in their boundless pro potential, you will also be bestowed eternal football greatness, only in the form of wisdom.
No, that's not all. We can't just let strangers into our sacred tabernacle. Before you can get to that point, you must reform yourself and your habits so that you are pure of spirit. This next part can get kind of confusing, because you'll be tempted to compare it to Drafturbatity and Truefanism. It is its own separate thing. You can learn more by checking out this free pamplet provided by the Church of Football Programs in the Utah System of Higher Education:
Quote:
--We believe in worthless things like all-conference honors and subjective national accolades in player evaluations. These items on a player's resume are just as if not more important than regular season statistics and combine numbers
--Speaking of which, when looking at combine numbers, we believe in obsessing over them if they support the profile of a Utah player
--We may find the same things to be sacred that Drafturbators do, but we believe that ever since that Phobia guy left Chiefs Planet, the forum has suffered from its splintering into sects and subforums and cliques. We are a return to the original Chiefs Planet from the time when friendly football conversation was the only thing people ever talked about. That means in order to lead a pure life, you do not participate in NFTs or threads from any subforum besides Draft Planet.
--Fatties are the key to eternal football enlightenment, and their prophet is Russell Okung, the greatest LT to ever live. He became a martyr in our religion when the Chiefs passed on him for Eric Berry because Satan tricked them into drafting Branden Albert two years prior, one of his horrid unholy demons.
--You are also required to buy into a batshit crazy football opinion cause annually and make that a tenant of your football message that you spread into the world. Me, personally? I'm claiming that Dontari Poe ****ing sucks, and all my Chiefs draft projections have them taking a NT with their 1st round pick. You're only required to believe this mind****ery for one year, though, so when the Chiefs end up passing on Geno Smith, you're allowed to never speak his name again and pretend that you were never delightfully fisted up to the elbow with Geno Mania.
There are some other important things to discuss, but those can wait. For now, you should really read the Book of Mockdraft. In order to believe that the best football in the country is played in the state of Utah, you must KNOW about why the best draft picks every year come from Utah!
So if you're interested, please join us in the Draft Forum next week for our mock draft updates! Each mock selection includes a picture of the player! Some of the pictures are even the super homoerotic ones where the player is stripped down to his Underarmor while he does an ultra hard-core super tough flaming gay pouty face! Also, we have free cookies and juice!
I don't know how or why AustinChief owns [every NFL team name] Planet. I don't know if he's just some schlub with a coding manual and a bit of cash or Mark Cuban. And I don't know how he's able to update servers and do all this computer shit, yet he thinks posting 5-10 pictures of Long John Silvers menu items per post is a massive drain on bandwidth. ****, I don't even know if I used the term "bandwidth" correctly, and I know that posting pictures like that doesn't really make a difference at all.
That doesn't matter. We're here to celebrate the most generous person who invests the most time and money to keep the CP experience going for all those little boys and girls who think antifreeze jokes are funny.
Thank you, AustinChief. With Thanksgiving fast approaching, it's time that we all took our hats off and said a word of thanks to you for all of this:
A server that is in constant need of repair and updating
A buggy chatroom feature from the early 1990s
A lineup of shitty power-mad mods
Protection from malicious threats to our internet safety like Thig Lyfe
The freedom to bypass the word filter, because I see no two ****s given by anybody every time somebody types around it
The freedom to be as racist as you want as long as you do it in the DC forum
Entertaining chats with BEP (no, really, it's hilarious when people get upset at her)
So thank you, AustinChief. After PGM, of course, you're the most important person involved with the continued survival and rich prosperity enjoyed by Chiefs Planet.
Now if you could just get off your ass and try to do something about Texans Planet, that would be lovely. For ****'s sake, it's like trying to keep a nice neat lawn next to a house of ****ing Hmongs.
DON'T ever take your car into this hack! Dumbass won't even ****ing Jew his customers.
He clearly doesn't know the first thing about business, and if he doesn't know the first thing about business, he can't know about his own business, and if he can't know about his own business, how the hell do you expect him to figure out why your check engine light is on?
He probably doesn't even touch the ****ing cars, because he's too busy being a douchebag silent mercenary type who operates by his own code of ethics and no one else's. Every other story this guy tells about his life involves punching dudes, threatening to punch dudes, and what happened to him when he didn't punch dudes. It's ****ing annoying is what it is. I should have put up a gif of Scrappy Doo. That would have been way more apt.
Come to Jason's Auto Repair! Where sweatshop labor conditions equal customer satisfaction!
I'm not going to go for the obvious "insider" joke. The Bad Guy has been too good to this place. Besides, that joke has been attempted before, and I don't have an Orioles forum that I can run to for protection if things get too out of hand. So I guess we'll just live on with The Bad Guy having us all fooled.
That being said, there's no reason why we can't make educated guesses as to the identity of the source, is there? It shouldn't be too hard. We need a guy who has basically been with the team for as long as this forum has been around. And I really doubt that Concessions Stand Employee #24 is privy to that kind of team access. So we can probably eliminate a few hundred names there.
The source in recent years has been the most active in feeding information during regime changes (Carl -> Pioli; Pioli -> Reid/Dorsey). He also has apparent information about draft boards, since we were fed the "updates" on the Chiefs #1 overall pick. So again, I'm thinking this is a person around a lot of heavy decisions.
I have no clue from this list who most of these people are, and the ones I can recognize don't fit the longevity description of the source.
Except for two people.
Clark Hunt. Given that The Bad Guy is just some asshole, I fail to see how he has ever made any kind of meaningful connection to the Hunt family where he could rattle off an e-mail asking for inside information, and they would totally let him in on sensitive secrets.
And there's one other guy.
Bob Moore. Rufus Dawes.
That's our guy. That's the insider who let us know this stuff before everybody else did.
Don't believe me? Think my reasoning ****ing sucks? Well suck on this little nugget:
I've got a guy I've known for years who is close to The Bad Guy family and friends network who doesn't want to be identified, and he can confirm that Rufus Dawes is The Bad Guy's source.
I have mentioned before how awesome the Talking Can is. And because I'm the one finishing out the rankings, I've decided I earned the right to put my personal touch on this list. So that's why he's on this list, and that's why he's ranked this high. Honestly, I'd totally put him in the top 5. He's one of my favorites, and if you don't like him, you're a huge dumbass.
And prepare yourselves for one of those non-roasts you all hate. Yep. This is quite simply a tribute to one of my favorite posters. I could make jokes and try to imitate him by posting genocidal stuff against Patriots fans, but why do that when I can just let the man's work speak for itself?
the Talking Can embodies everything that's awesome about Chiefs Planet. The seething, unbridled rage that takes the form of some really bizarre stuff is a posting style I've tried to replicate and use on my own, but I can't do what he does. The difference might be his hilarious presentation, where he has this preference to just ignore capitalizing stuff, or the poorly photoshopped Cassel avatar that he wore for years. The combination of that with some of the greatest lines of vitriol I've ever seen spewed at one's own football team/fans is like a really complex souffle recipe that is one-of-a-kind.
So here's my tribute to the Talking Can. Five classic Talking Can moments. Honestly, you can probably find some better Can posts yourselves with just a little bit of searching, but #1 and #2 are for sure some of his best work. They are probably near the top of things I've ever laughed at in the history of Chiefs Planet.
5. Can's response to the Haley firing and the future of KC's QB position
3. Is Brandon Siler a better tackler than Derrick Johnson?
We all remember some of the great Black Bob discussions, particularly during that 2012 season. And Talking Can was right there with all of us. I'm posting the thread, but I have my favorite posts listed in the spoiler.
The 2012 draft was one of the more intriguing draft years I've experienced on CP. It was perhaps the most imperfect draft slot the Chiefs have ever had, where they were needing a QB so desperately in the best QB draft class in years, but possessed one of the worst draft slots for picking a QB (way too high to be thinking about the middle prospects that possessed a lot of potential) as well as having the Piolibola prevent them from even taking a shot at one. And there was TEH BEST GUARD EVAR! sitting right there. Talking Can expressed the sentiment we were all feeling at the time in the most perfect way:
You can read my roast of notorious to see that I've already brought this up. But you know what? It's the funniest thing I've ever read on CP. I'm reposting it as #1 because it's just that damn good.
Everything he wrote in the thread was great. Haley was gone, Pioli indicated no change of direction from Cassel, and I believe even stuck up for him? Was that the genesis of the "I don't think I need to tell anyone that Matt's our starter" quote? Regardless, though, the ****ing pitchforks were coming out. The OP of the thread itself was brilliant:
This generated an amusing response intended as a chuckle from one of the bystanders about using a time machine to wipe out those 15 generations. Then we got to the real gold nugget:
I laughed for days. This isn't just your standard, "I'm mailing anthrax" or "I hope he chokes on his own vomit" kind of anger. We're talking about shitty Star Trek movie villainry that aborts an entire species from existence.
"I'm going back to Africa and snuffing out Pioli at the source."
LMAO LMAO LMAO "At the source."
Posts like this one are why continuing to hate and rip on Pioli until the day I die will always bring me great joy in my heart. The man truly was an abortion, and ****ing poets like the Talking Can were the lost voices that many of us struggled to find during those trying times. Like Maya ****ing Angelou.
In the words of the great Sorter, I have this to say to you, Talking Can:
DeezNutz is a Chiefs, Royals, and Mizzou fan. That's a ****ton of misery and pain to deal with. Compared to other CP posters who like the same teams, he's actually fairly well-adjusted. He's not a psychotic ****tard like petegz28 or frazod, and he seems to be able to find appropriate outlets to vent his frustration of going so long without knowing what it's like to be a fan of any team who sustains success. His short, sarcastic posts, while making him appear bitter and self-loathing, do a good job of allowing him to be able to look at the truth squarely in the face without becoming too depressed. However, it's unknown if this is a good way of attaining satisfaction through the worst of times or if it's actually unhealthily building up layers of repression that will cause him to snap like a twig later in life. Time will only tell.
He's also the most obscure and possibly least respected of the old Horsemen of the Apo-Cassel-ypse. It's quite possible that he only joined because they other three needed a fourth person to hand out pamphlets about the dangers of drafting Aaron Curry, like when the original three Ghostbusters added the black guy to the team almost randomly in the middle of the movie. In a stunning twist, the black guy doesn't die, and DeezNutz is still finding creative ways to sarcastically bitch about Mizzou's basketball coach and Ned Yost. If I had to compare him to other posters, I'd say he's Rain Man's evil brother from south of the border.
I have great respect for all of my drafturbator friends, but because Deez is biggest sarcastic bitch of the bunch, I'm reminded that it's people like him whose selfishness has brought down the quality of the CP Mock Draft. His coattail-riding ass is part of the reason why Sfeihc acts like he owns the goddamn place and why chiefscafan is now a fully-fledged member. It's bad enough that we had to suck Saccopoo's dick to get him to join, only to have him continually tell us to politely **** off. So thanks for screwing your friends over, Deez. Because the Colts playoff loss drove people into mad fits of insanity for months, you want us to hang out with Mav for several weeks in March/April. Hope your time off was ****ing worth it.
DeezNutz is a Chiefs, Royals, and Mizzou fan. That's a ****ton of misery and pain to deal with. Compared to other CP posters who like the same teams, he's actually fairly well-adjusted. He's not a psychotic ****tard like petegz28 or frazod, and he seems to be able to find appropriate outlets to vent his frustration of going so long without knowing what it's like to be a fan of any team who sustains success. His short, sarcastic posts, while making him appear bitter and self-loathing, do a good job of allowing him to be able to look at the truth squarely in the face without becoming too depressed. However, it's unknown if this is a good way of attaining satisfaction through the worst of times or if it's actually unhealthily building up layers of repression that will cause him to snap like a twig later in life. Time will only tell.
He's also the most obscure and possibly least respected of the old Horsemen of the Apo-Cassel-ypse. It's quite possible that he only joined because they other three needed a fourth person to hand out pamphlets about the dangers of drafting Aaron Curry, like when the original three Ghostbusters added the black guy to the team almost randomly in the middle of the movie. In a stunning twist, the black guy doesn't die, and DeezNutz is still finding creative ways to sarcastically bitch about Mizzou's basketball coach and Ned Yost. If I had to compare him to other posters, I'd say he's Rain Man's evil brother from south of the border.
I have great respect for all of my drafturbator friends, but because Deez is biggest sarcastic bitch of the bunch, I'm reminded that it's people like him whose selfishness has brought down the quality of the CP Mock Draft. His coattail-riding ass is part of the reason why Sfeihc acts like he owns the goddamn place and why chiefscafan is now a fully-fledged member. It's bad enough that we had to suck Saccopoo's dick to get him to join, only to have him continually tell us to politely **** off. So thanks for screwing your friends over, Deez. Because the Colts playoff loss drove people into mad fits of insanity for months, you want us to hang out with Mav for several weeks in March/April. Hope your time off was ****ing worth it.
Yay... :thumb::thumb:
Dave Lane
11-29-2014 08:18 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by SNR
(Post 11150930)
In a way, I almost miss Pioli and Cassel.
ALMOST.
It totally brought out the best in most people on here. There's no emotion that can unite a people quite like anger can. For that brief time, we were all united against the Great Satan that was Pioli. We slew all of his supporters and demons so courageously, whether they were persons in the media, idiots from around the internet, or Black Bob. It didn't matter how big they were. They had to be taken down. And we did so. With honor.
We formed a brotherhood that season
Men, it's been a long war, it's been a tough war. You've fought bravely, proudly for Chiefsplanet. You're a special group. You've found in one another a bond that exists only in combat, among brothers. You've shared foxholes, held each other in dire moments. You've seen death and suffered together. I'm proud to have served with each and every one of you. You all deserve long and happy lives in peace.
DeezNutz
11-29-2014 09:06 PM
Thanks for the roast, Louis, and I apologize for not being able to make your party in the draft subforum. However, I will take your advice and stop shining my own bells on my bridle. After all, I respect people who are able to get advanced degrees in such things, and your knowledge in this area would certainly help.
And listen, don't let your colleagues' whispers and winks continue to get you paranoid into believing that your department is the academic equivalent of farm subsidies. They're wrong. What you're doing really matters. I know this because I recently spoke with one of your current graduate students:
You're like the bass that he kept telling me about; you make people want to start moving.
Anyway, thanks again. Truly, it's an honor to fall outside the top 10--pete sent me 36 PMs bitching about the call--and I'll work harder in the coming year.
Rain Man
11-29-2014 09:08 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave Lane
(Post 11152592)
Men, it's been a long war, it's been a tough war. You've fought bravely, proudly for Chiefsplanet. You're a special group. You've found in one another a bond that exists only in combat, among brothers. You've shared foxholes, held each other in dire moments. You've seen death and suffered together. I'm proud to have served with each and every one of you. You all deserve long and happy lives in peace.
Those antiPiolist guys get all the credit, and no one remembers us veterans of the Greg Robinson guerilla wars.
Dave Lane
11-29-2014 09:29 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rain Man
(Post 11152677)
Those antiPiolist guys get all the credit, and no one remembers us veterans of the Greg Robinson guerilla wars.
Or the Herm Edwards Day beach landings.
Hammock Parties
11-29-2014 09:44 PM
Or the Carled War. It lasted for years, with seemingly no end in sight.
cdcox
11-29-2014 09:53 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave Lane
(Post 11152736)
Or the Herm Edwards Day beach landings.
I was like the Paul Revere of that war.
Mr_Tomahawk
11-29-2014 09:55 PM
How are u getting the OP updated so quickly...?
PGM made it sound like it could only be updated on full moons....
ThaVirus
11-29-2014 10:02 PM
Seriously. SNR is doing WAY too much work in this thread and PGM is riding his coat tails to fame.
Now he must be punished.
I move for a ban of PGM from this thread. Is there a mod here that will heed my call!?!
Mr_Tomahawk
11-29-2014 10:03 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThaVirus
(Post 11152832)
Seriously. SNR is doing WAY too much work in this thread and PGM is riding his coat tails to fame.
Now he must be punished.
I move for a ban of PGM from this thread. Is there a mod here that will heed my call!?!
lol lol lol
Good one...
Baby Lee
11-29-2014 10:21 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rain Man
(Post 11152677)
Those antiPiolist guys get all the credit, and no one remembers us veterans of the Greg Robinson guerilla wars.
Who was that ****er who was pimping Glorious Leader Dik Jun-[Verm]Il and the soon to beaming blessings of his beatitude years after the old man went off to make more wine?
I sweat it was 2010 and he'd still start every post with 'if Vermiel were here. . . '
Rain Man
11-29-2014 10:36 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rain Man
(Post 11152677)
Those antiPiolist guys get all the credit, and no one remembers us veterans of the Greg Robinson guerilla wars.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave Lane
(Post 11152736)
Or the Herm Edwards Day beach landings.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Count Alex's Wins
(Post 11152785)
Or the Carled War. It lasted for years, with seemingly no end in sight.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cdcox
(Post 11152804)
I was like the Paul Revere of that war.
We're the forgotten soldiers. People think about gum wrappers and tapped phones, and they forget the horrors of the Spinner and scoring too fast and John Tait being told to sit the Fort McHenry down and shut the Fort McHenry up.
We're the forgotten soldiers. People think about gum wrappers and tapped phones, and they forget the horrors of the Spinner and scoring too fast and John Tait being told to sit the Fort McHenry down and shut the Fort McHenry up.
I blame that massive drug ring being run out of the locker room.
milkman
11-29-2014 11:32 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rain Man
(Post 11152917)
We're the forgotten soldiers. People think about gum wrappers and tapped phones, and they forget the horrors of the Spinner and scoring too fast and John Tait being told to sit the Fort McHenry down and shut the Fort McHenry up.
Are you kidding me?
No one fought any of these batttles before me.
RealSNR
11-30-2014 01:41 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Baby Lee
(Post 11152862)
Who was that ****er who was pimping Glorious Leader Dik Jun-[Verm]Il and the soon to beaming blessings of his beatitude years after the old man went off to make more wine?
I sweat it was 2010 and he'd still start every post with 'if Vermiel were here. . . '
KCChiefsfan88 liked Vermeil waaay too much.
I mean, I don't look at him as a bad coach, but he was old, and the team wasn't going anywhere. He retired at the right time, and I applaud him for it.
RealSNR
11-30-2014 01:43 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by DeezNutz
(Post 11152671)
Thanks for the roast, Louis, and I apologize for not being able to make your party in the draft subforum. However, I will take your advice and stop shining my own bells on my bridle. After all, I respect people who are able to get advanced degrees in such things, and your knowledge in this area would certainly help.
And listen, don't let your colleagues' whispers and winks continue to get you paranoid into believing that your department is the academic equivalent of farm subsidies. They're wrong. What you're doing really matters. I know this because I recently spoke with one of your current graduate students:
You're like the bass that he kept telling me about; you make people want to start moving.
Anyway, thanks again. Truly, it's an honor to fall outside the top 10--pete sent me 36 PMs bitching about the call--and I'll work harder in the coming year.
:hmmm:
Flopnuts, you've got competition for when my roast comes up...
Dave Lane
11-30-2014 08:04 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by milkman
(Post 11153028)
Are you kidding me?
No one fought any of these batttles before me.
We found in each other a bond and we became a band of brothers.
Mr. Flopnuts
11-30-2014 09:18 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by DeezNutz
(Post 11152671)
Thanks for the roast, Louis, and I apologize for not being able to make your party in the draft subforum. However, I will take your advice and stop shining my own bells on my bridle. After all, I respect people who are able to get advanced degrees in such things, and your knowledge in this area would certainly help.
And listen, don't let your colleagues' whispers and winks continue to get you paranoid into believing that your department is the academic equivalent of farm subsidies. They're wrong. What you're doing really matters. I know this because I recently spoke with one of your current graduate students:
You're like the bass that he kept telling me about; you make people want to start moving.
Anyway, thanks again. Truly, it's an honor to fall outside the top 10--pete sent me 36 PMs bitching about the call--and I'll work harder in the coming year.
ROFL I need more DeezNutz in my life. I don't care how gay that sounds.
Mr. Flopnuts
11-30-2014 09:18 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by SNR
(Post 11153099)
:hmmm:
Flopnuts, you've got competition for when my roast comes up...
Dude. He should do it. For sure.
Sweet Daddy Hate
11-30-2014 09:42 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Flopnuts
(Post 11153263)
Dude. He should do it. For sure.
The Boogie Buck makes it work. Deez should be tapped.
Dane knows child music talent like no other. He can spot a success upon first glance; it doesn't take him long to undress the childish facade they put up so he can see the enormous potential throbbing within them. He's a real audiophile, too-- his taste and knowledge of music makes him well-known around the neighborhood. I have no idea if he still owns all of his records, tapes, 8-tracks, and CDs, or if he's gone completely digital, but I understand it's quite a secret collection. It's probably enough to fill up a rather large utility van.
He told me once that he lives just a few houses away from Marina Sirtis. That is really ****ing cool as crap, and I'll totally admit that I'm jealous. However, while Dane's cool and all, I feel really bad for Marina. Every time he needs to go over to her house to borrow a cup of sugar, she must get overwhelmed from sensing the enormous douchebag energy approaching her doorstep. Then again, I guess that scenario would never happen. Dane is a very independent and self-determined individual, and he takes care of himself pretty well. If you suggested to him that he might be able to save that creme broulee if he just sought out some help from Marina, he would probably ignore it and try to fix the dessert himself.
I just had to put him on the list when he returned recently from his 78th leave of absence from Chiefs Planet. Not only is he one of the most successful posters, but he's also probably one of like, three people on here who have already won the game of life. And his big forum personality matches that quality about him, more than you can say for the guy who invented Dropbox, who rarely ever posts here, and BigRedChief, who probably loves relaxing at home to quality programming on CBS after a long day of kicking people in the balls at the United Nations.
Just be sure to get your snuggle time in while you can. Frosty the Snow Dane will eventually melt down again, but don't worry kids. He'll be back again some day.
